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Officer Steve Boudreaux.....Jeff Richards Bad Driver.....Darrell Hammond Murderer.....Horatio Sanz Housewife.....Natalie Portman Angel.....Tracy Morgan [ open on "COPS" logo ] [ Music Intro: "Bad Boys" ] Announcer: "COPS". In New Orleans! [ dissolve to interior close-up shot of NOPD Officer in crewcut and sunglasses driving through the city ] Officer Steve Boudreaux: I love my job. I've been with the force for twelve years, and joinin' was the best thing I've ever done. I have a wife and three kids at home - no comparison. They can go to Hell, as far as I'm concerned, because I'm a ranking member of the New Orleans Police Department, and I love my job. Some people say I got it easy, but that's not always true. There's a lot of punks 'round here need arrestin', and I'm more than happy to do 'em that favor. It's not an easy job, there's situations. But a lot of times, I'm lucky just to be in the right place at the right time. Trouble has a way of findin' me, not the other way 'round. Almost like they're sent down to me from Heaven. I have to meet quota, but not to worry. That's what I'm here for - to get the bad guys. And I'm gonna get me some today. It's gonna be tough, but I'm trained and ready to do my part in bringin' 'em in. [ dissolve to Officer standing on street corner with radar gun pointed toward oncoming traffic; Officer stands stone-faced, eyes fixated on the readings on his radar gun. Speed limit sign on post near officer reads "20 MPH" ] [ radar gun suddenly beeps; Officer lowers gun and walks slowly toward braking car ] Officer Steve Boudreaux: You want to cut that motor off, Sir? Bad Driver: [ confused ] What did I do, Officer..? Did I- Officer Steve Boudreaux: Shut up, before I hit you. You dirty punk, I clocked you doing 21 in a 20 mile-per-hour zone. Bad Driver: Officer, I saw the sign. I don't have cruise-control, I was trying to keep from pedaling over 20- Officer Steve Boudreaux: Did I tell you to talk? Bad Driver: No.. I guess not- Officer Steve Boudreaux: And I still didn't tell you to talk! Damn! Bad Driver: Well, Officer, I- Officer Steve Boudreaux: [ looking around ] I must be on "Candid Camera", because you keep talkin' when I ain't been askin' you to be talkin'. Bad Driver: No, I think I'm the one on "Candid Camera", because this is- Officer Steve Boudreaux: Sir, I am starting to lose my patience with you! All this talkin' ain't gettin' us nowhere - might as well be on the interstate. Can I see your license and registration, please? [ Driver's mouth starts to open ] You don't have to give the play-by-play, just pull that crap out the glovebox and let me salvage whatever parts of my life you haven't already wasted on chitter-chatter. [ Driver hands over his license and registration information ] Officer Steve Boudreaux: This is a current license, correct? You don't have to answer, just nod. [ Driver nods ] It says you have a Restriction 01 for Contact Lens, but I don't see a Restriction 04 for Eyes Cannot Be Improved. I think you also need to add a Special Restriction 20 for Driver Does Not Understand Math. Otherwise, you wouldn't have been going 1 mile over the posted speed limit. Bad Driver: [ timid ] Can I just pay the fine..? Officer Steve Boudreaux: [ blows whistle ] Penalty! Speaking out of turn! Now, Sir, are you far-sighted or near-sighted? Maybe you're near-sighted, didn't see that sign from back that way. But that don't matter, 'cause we got 'em posted all over the road! You ever see th' sign with the man wearin' th' dark cloak? That stands for Neighborhood Watch. So don't go wanderin' through the streets at night wearin' a dark cloak, or you liable to get yourself beat over the head for trespassin'. That wouldn't be too good, would it? You can shake your head. [ Driver shakes head ] Alright, then. [ suddenly, a gunshot rings out, as Officer and Driver look to their right to determine the source of the noise ] [ a hefty fellow wearing a stocking cap and five-o-clock shadow on his face suddenly runs right in front of Driver's vehicle, as he makes a mad dash to get out of the area ] Voice of Woman O/S: My husband! My husband! [ Housewife enters scene, frantic, arms waving ] Officer Steve Boudreaux: [ looking toward Hefty Fellow, who has since run off ] Ma'am, was that fat fella your husband? Housewife: No!! That's the man who killed my husband!! Officer Steve Boudreaux: [ thinking ] Alright. Well, take a number, I'll be right with you. Housewife: [ annoyed ] But that man just killed my husband!! Officer Steve Boudreaux: [ stern ] Who told ya' to talk? [ turns to Driver ] Now, see, Sir? If you hadn't wasted time talkin', we'd have us a murderer in my back seat now, wouldn't we? [ writes ticket, throws it in Driver's face ] Your court date is two months from now. [ turns to Woman ] Ma'am? Housewife: My husband!! That man shot my husband!! Officer Steve Boudreaux: Now, can you describe the assailant? Housewife: You just saw him!! He's running that way!! Why don't you go after him?!! Officer Steve Boudreaux: Ma'am, he's halfway down the block. How do you expect me to catch up to him now? Housewife: Get in your car and chase after him! Cars are faster than people! Officer Steve Boudreaux: Ma'am, that man is armed, and I'm not about to put my life on the line for some underaged housewife! [ pot-smoking Drug Dealer wanders into the scene ] Angel: Hey! Hey, what's goin' on here, Steve? Officer Steve Boudreaux: Oh, hi, Angel. I just caught a dumbass doin' 21 in a 20. Angel: [ looks into car ] Hey, yeah, you are a dumbass! Too bad you wasn't smoking some grass, man, he'd've let you go! Officer Steve Boudreaux: That's right, Sir. Nothin' wrong with weed; but speed kills. [ Angel absorbs the pun, but is too high for it to fully register ] Housewife: Are you going to go after that man who killed my husband, or not? Officer Steve Boudreaux: Not while he's packin' that pistol. I promised my wife I'd be home for dinner at six, and she's not gonna be sympathetic if I don't show up because I'm in the morgue. Angel: Not that this isn't fun, but I gotta get downtown to cash in my food stamps. See you over at my house tonight to play some pool, Steve? Officer Steve Boudreaux: Wouldn't miss it, Angel. Angel: A'ight, then. Bring you some matches, Dog! [ Angel exits scene ] Bad Driver: Officer, don't you have a quota to fill? Officer Steve Boudreaux: [ eyes bulge ] Oh, my God! I almost forgot! Housewife: Does anyone understand that my husband is dead?! Officer Steve Boudreaux: Take it up with the city, Lady; I've got charges to press. [ exits scene ] [ dissolve back to interior close-up shot of NOPD Officer driving through the city ] Officer Steve Boudreaux: I don't have to be right; I just have to meet quota. People are breaking laws all over this city; it's our job to catch the ones that aren't that much trouble for us. [ stares into camera ] Hey. You got a license to operate that camera? O/S Voice: Uh.. I think it's in the truck. Officer Steve Boudreaux: [ a beat ] You have a right to remain silent.. [ dissolve to "COPS" logo ] [ Music Out: "Bad Boys" ] Announcer: "COPS". In New Orleans! Rate or review this sketch. |
