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DJ Kringle.....Chris Parnell Dean.....Dean Edwards Amy.....Amy Poehler Club Owner.....Horatio Sanz Billy.....Tracy Morgan [Scene: Nightclub with DJ stage raised slightly above dance floor. In front of stage Dean and Amy are standing together watching the Club Owner getting ready to address the audience.] Club Owner: Alright, everybody welcome to the Comet nightclub. Thank you for showing up. It means a lot to me and my cousin who is also my business partner. Hey Billy, come on up here. [enter Billy carrying a beer and looking somewhat inebriated.] Billy: Hello everyone. [aside to Club Owner but still talking loudly] I can't believe I let you talk me into this, Anthony. If this doesn't work so help me. [drinks some beer] Club Owner: Heh heh. Forgive him, he's a little nervous. Investing your life savings in a club will do that to you. Believe me though, his money is safe because tonight is gonna put us on the map. For your listening pleasure I went out and got the hottest DJ in England. And here he is, from Manchester to Manhattan, give it up for DJ Kringle. [Enter DJ Kringle dressed in red and white. He is 'laying a finger aside of his nose' and pointing out into the audience with the other.] Club Owner: [ jokingly ] Alright, well I'm gonna go in the back and count my money now! Billy: You better mean MY money! Talking about counting your money. Your money is what's left over after I get my money back. Being broke isn't fun. I haven't had sex in weeks![finishes beer and holds up empty mug.] Barkeep! [Club Owner is embarrased, he shakes his head and exits scene with Billy in tow.] DJ Kringle: [with English accent] Yo yo yo. Let's get this party started. This one's going out to all the gents and their ho ho hoes and it's coming straight at ya from someone who has settled down for a long winter's nap. Here we go courtesy of the king of rock and ro oh oh oh oll. [Blue Christmas begins to play. Amy and Dean begin dancing then stop and look confused.] "I'll have a blue ue ue ue ue Christmas without you." [mad scratching] [Dean walks on stage and taps DJ on the shoulder.] Dean: Hey man, cut the music. What r you doing? DJ Kringle: I'm jolly well getting down with my bad self. So Mr. Scrooge, why don't you just dash away. [making 'go away' motion with hand.] Dash away, dash away y'all! Dean: Yeah, look nobody is gonna dance to that. DJ Kringle: Look, just because rock n roll don't fill your stocking... Dean: That wasn't rock n roll dude. How do you expect us to dance to that. DJ Kringle: [pauses for a moment.] Okay, I'm catching your vibe man. You want something with a bit more clatter, am I right? Dean: Yeah I guess, that would be nice. [DJ winks at Dean then turns head to focus on record sellection. Dean leaves stage and returns to dance floor with Amy.] DJ Kringle: Alright listen up peeps. I've gotten a request to speed things up a bit. So get ready cause I'm gonna tear open the shutters and throw up the sash with this tune baby! ["Rockin around the Christmas Tree" begins playing] "Rockin' around the Christmas tree let the Christmas spirit ring, ing ing ing. Later we'll have some pumpkin pie and we'll do some caroling, ling, ling, ling." [mad scratching] [Dean gets on stage.] Dean: What are you doin' man? DJ Kringle: What's your problem now Grinch? Dean: Well, first of all you can't dance to that. Secondly, I don't know when you English celebrate Christmas, but here in America it's in December...not June. What's with the Christmas tunes? DJ Kringle: Bah humbug. Why you gotta hate eh? This stuff has the people back home dancing like dry leaves before a hurricane man. Dean: Look, can't you play some Moby, or some Outkast or Nelly...oh wait I know Gorillaz. You're from England, certainly you know about the Gorillaz. Play some of that for starters. DJ Kringle: Gorillaz? [thinks for a moment.] Ahh, I get ya, ya crazy Yank! I think I can pull some of that out of my sack. [DJ gets record, Dean returns to dance floor.] Alright everyone, if you're a dancer then u're gonna love this track cause it's totally blitzen y'all! [Theme to Monkees begins playin'] "Hey hey, hey hey, hey hey, we're the Monkees and people say we monkey around but we're too busy singing, inging, inging, inging to put anybody down." [mad scratching] [Dean gets back on stage.] Dean: Dammit, I said Gorillaz, not Monkees! [Enter Club Owner] Club Owner: What is going on here! What kind of crap are you playing Chris? I didn't pay you good money to stink up the joint! I could've have hired my gassy cousin Billy to do that! Billy: [offscreen] I heard that! (fart noise) [every gets disgusted look on their face for a few hilarious seconds. Engage 'Applause' sign if necessary.] Club Owner: [to Dean] I'm sorry sir. Come on Chris, let's get this party started properly! [looking through records.] Oh, yeah, this is the stuff. You play this. It'll bring the house down! Alright. Dean: Finally. [Dean gets back on dance floor.] DJ Kringle: Alright this one was requested by the head honcho who is [giving him the thumbs up] one jolly old elf. It's going out to everybody, wether naughty or nice. I wanna see all you creatures stirring out there now. ["Feliz Navidad" begins playing] "I want to wish you a Merry Christmas I want to wish you a Merry Christmas. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart. Feliz Navid. Feliz Navidad. Feliz Navidad, prospero anno y felicidad." [mad scratching. Repeat chorus until end of sketch.] [Dean and Amy shake their heads and exit scene. Club Owner and DJ Kringle dance wildly. Billy enters staggering and carrying a gun. He abruptly smiles and starts dancing along with Club Owner and DJ.] [Fade Out] Rate or review this sketch. |
