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Supergirl...Natalie Portman Tom...Jimmy Fallon Jeff...Chris Kattan Steve...Will Ferrell (sketch opens up in New York city. People are screaming and running in different directions. There seems to be nothing but chaos; three men suddenly run up on the set) Steve: Oh my God!!! (the Earth shakes) Tom: What's happening??? Steve: Monstro is taking over the world!! Jeff: Who's Monstro?! Steve: He's a giant ferret-monster!!! Tom: We're all gonna die!!! Where is Superman??? Steve: He's dead! Jeff: What? He's dead? How can Superman be dead???! He's super human!! Steve: Monstro rammed a kryptonite stick down his throat! Tom: You mean there's no hope?! We're all dead?! Jeff: No! It can't be!! (he turns to Steve) What about Batman? Steve: He got commited. Jeff: Commited? Why? Steve: Come on! Batman didn't have any REAL powers!! Do you really want to rely on a grown man running around in his undies yelling out "Hey, I'm Batman!", do ya'? Tom: Well, what about Robin? Steve: He got scared and ran out in front of a bus a few minutes ago...it wasn't pretty. Jeff: Spiderman!!! Please tell me Spiderman is alive!! Steve: Dead. Tom: Wonder Woman? Steve: Gone for good. Jeff: Green Lantern? Steve: Deceased. Tom: The Flash? Steve: Ran like a little girl. Jeff: Captain America!!!! Steve: EL muerte. Tom: Superboy!!! He's gotta' be alive!!! Steve: Nope. Accidently flew right up Monstro's nose...poor kid. It's a shame. He was just getting the hang of flying, too. Tom: Well...There has to be SOMEBODY!!! (the Earth shakes real hard again, the three men take cover in a near-by drug store) Steve: We should be safe from debris in here! (they start looking around. Supergirl is in one of the isles with reading glasses on looking at a box of Tampons. One of the men spot her) Steve: Supergirl!!! (he calls to the other two men) Hey you guys, it's Supergirl!! Tom: Really? Where?!!! Steve: She's over there looking at that box of tampons!!! Jeff: We're saved!! Let's go talk to her!! (they all run over to her) Tom: Supergirl!! You're the only living super hero left in the entire world!! Why aren't you out saving the ciy?! Supergirl: Well...it's kind of embarrassing.... Jeff: What's embarrassing?? Supergirl: I'm holding a box of tampons, guys...take a big guess. Jeff: Come on!! You can do your shopping AFTER you save the world! Supergirl: No...I Can't. Tom: Yes!! You can!! Come ON!! Steve: Why are you this drug store, anyway?? Supergirl: I just told you!! ...Do any of you know where they keep the Midol, around here?? These cramps are killing me!! Steve: Oh no!! Monstro is sending pain signals to Supergirl!! Supergirl: No, no no. Believe me...Monstro has nothing to do with this! Jeff: This has gone on long enough!! Supergirl, you HAVE to save us!! Supergirl: I can't save you this week, come on, don't you get it? Jeff: No! It doesn't make sense!! Supergirl: Were you guys not in a health class in high school? Jeff: Yes, but...What does that have to do with anything?! Supergirl: Look. I'm a woman- Jeff: A SUPER woman!! Supergirl: Yea, whatever. Women go through a little thing each month for the rest of their lives...well, until they're like, sixty... Tom: And your point is.... Supergirl: This is going nowhere. Just listen! This is a "bad week for me". You know...wink, wink! Jeff: No! I don't get it!! TELL ME!! Supergirl: "That time of the month" Tom: For what? Supergirl: What the...??!! I really can't help you!! And I mean REALLY!! I'm sorry but there is nothing in the world I can do!! I'm literally...powerless! If you're in SO much trouble then why don't you just call Superman or somebody like that? Tom: He's Dead!! Jeff: They're ALL dead! Supergirl: Well...in that case...I guess you guys are up the creek then, huh? Steve: That's not funny! COME on! Do something! Anything! Supergirl: Are you listening? ...Do you not know what happens to women once a month? Jeff: They all go to the mall? Supergirl: No!! You frickin' retard!! Come on! At least ONE of you knows what I'm talking about!! Are any of you married? Tom: Nope, not me. Jeff: Me neither. Steve: ...I'm a flaming homosexual. Supergirl: It REALLY figures. (She rubs her head) Have any of you heard the expression "on the rag"? Tom: No. Supergirl: "Women's Problem"? Jeff: No. Supergirl: "PERIOD"?!! Steve: Nope. Tom: What are you trying to tell us? Supergirl: MY GOD!!! You guys are impossible!! Steve: Well, you don't have to be a bitch about it! Jeff: Yea, miss bad attitude!! Tom: What in the world is up your butt? Why are you being so mean? (she becomes impatient and grabs a marker from the shelf) Jeff: Hey, that's stealing! Supergirl: Shut up. (she turns around where you can't see her, although you can tell she's writing something on her chest) Steve: What are you doing? Supergirl: I'm about to unclog that toilet you have for a brain. (She turns around. She has written a 'P' and an 'M' in front of the giant 'S' on her chest) Does this help??! Steve: P...M...Supergirl. I don't get it. Jeff: Does this mean that you only work at night, now? Tom: Dude, that sucks. Supergirl: No!! PMS!! You've never even heard of that?! All Three Men: ...No. Supergirl: You guys are completely brain dead!! FINE!! YOU WIN!! I'll save your litle city! Are you happy now?? JEEZE! Tom: You will!! Steve: Thank you, Supergirl!! Jeff: We're saved!! Tom: Yea, thank you!! (She prepaires to fly) Supergirl: Yea, yea, yea. You just better be glad my underwear is red. Steve: What? Supergirl: Just forget it. (she flies off, the three men run outside to watch the battle) Tom: Man, Monstro is going down!! Steve: Hey, Supergirl's gonna say something!! (you hear her from a distance) Supergirl: I command you to stop right now in the name of truth, justice, and the- (loud crunching sound) Steve: OH MY GOD!!!!!! Tom: He bit her right in half!! No, it can't be!! Jeff: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!! Tom: Hey...(puzzled)...I thought superhumans don't bleed!! Steve: DANG! THIS SKETCH SUCKS!! Jeff: It sucks cow manure!! Steve: Go on! Hurry up and fade to black, already! Tom: Yea, it sucks! Steve: (takes a deep breath and yells out loud) ...SON OF A BITCH!!! Fade to black NOW!!!! (Starts to fade to black) Steve: It's about damn time!! Thank you!! (END) Rate or review this sketch. |
