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Jeannie ..... Amy Poehler Liquor store clerk ..... Tracy Morgan Wally Cleaver ..... Will Ferrell Betsy ..... Rachel Dratch Beaver Cleaver ..... Darrell Hammond Tony Banta ..... Jimmy Fallon Harry Stone ..... Will Ferrell Christine Sullivan ..... Amy Poehler Dan Fielding ..... Chris Parnell Cliff Clavin ..... Jeff Richards Arnold Horshack ..... Chris Kattan Hitman ..... Chris Parnell Jonathan Bower ..... Seth Meyers Tony Micelli ..... Jimmy Fallon Sophia Petrillo ..... Chris Kattan Dorothy Zbornak ..... Ana Gasteyer Radar O'Reilly ..... Darrell Hammond Bailey Quarters ..... Tina Fey Venus Flytrap ..... Dean Edwards Mary Richards ..... Natalie Portman Rhoda Morganstern ..... Maya Rudolph Lou Grant ..... Horatio Sanz Weatherman Gordie ..... Tracy Morgan Sex slave ..... Tina Fey Announcer (voice)..... Chris Parnell [note: all clips are prerecorded on videotape or film depending on which medium the original show was recorded on] [graphic: E! logo] Announcer: [seriously] Although you've seen your favorite TV shows countless times in syndicated reruns, are you sure you've seen all the episodes? What if you found out that the so-called complete runs aren't that complete at all? I'm not talking about the individual edits in each episodes, I'm talking about one thing only... [sensationistically] Banned episodes! This weekend only, E! Entertainment Television presents the episodes the networks were afraid to air. Yes! All weekend long, we're running all the old episodes of your favorite sitcoms long thought to be missing forever because of network censorship, in the Too Hot For TVLand Marathon! [relatively fast onscreen crawl including show names and episode titles appears onscreen. All titles of clips run in the sketch are included as well as the following: Mr Ed ("Mr. Ed Gets Shot"), Perfect Strangers ("Balki and the Sheep"), Full House ("Danny Kills Gibbler"), Three's Company ("Furley's Heroin Problem"), Laverne & Shirley ("The Foursome"), and various other sex-related/violent/bad taste episodes of lost shows]. Announcer: Yes! All your favorites from the fifties up to the early 90s have had at least one banned episode, and we've got them all! Such as this lost chestnut from "I Dream Of Jeannie" where Jeannie's powers have an illegal utility! [CUT TO: Liquor store. SUPER: I Dream Of Jeannie, "Useful Powers", 1967]. (Jeannie appears suddenly with gun in front of cashier). Jeannie: Hand me all your money! (clerk complies, then afterwards Jeannie disappears instantly). Clerk: What happened? That's just crazy! Announcer: Or this infamous "Leave It To Beaver" where Wally does what every good older brother must do at one point of their lives.... [CUT TO: Bedroom, in black-and-white. SUPER: Leave It To Beaver, "Beaver's Passage", 1961] Wally: Now, squirt, you're getting older, and since Mom and Dad don't really remember anything about relations, it's my responsibility to teach you this. [opens door to reveal Betsy] Now this is a prostitute. Betsy: [perkily like a goody-goody 1950's daughter] Hi! Wally: Her name is Betsy, and she's going to guide you step by step through the "birds and the bees" if you know what I'm talking about. [raises eyebrows] Beaver: Gee Wally, I don't know what you're talking about. Wally: Don't worry about it, Betsy's a pro. [Turns to Betsy and gives her two quarters] Now show him a good time. [leaves room] Announcer: And what happens when cabbies get bored? E! has the answer this weekend! [CUT TO: Interior of taxi cab, SUPER: Taxi, "The Game", 1981] (out of rear window we can see that the cab is backing over screaming pedestrians) Tony Banta: Ay-oh, oh-ay! 100 points! Announcer: And of course this magical episode of "Night Court" [CUT TO: Courtroom interior] (Christine is completely covered in a cloth) Harry: Now, when I remove the cloth... (the cloth is removed to find a topless Christine shot from behind). Christine: Harry, the trick didn't work right... Harry: You were supposed to disappear entirely, not just your top! [pause] Dan! Dan: [drooling] This is a dream come true... Announcer: Yes, it is! And we have some more episodes right here that the TV networks thought middle America wasn't ready for. [CUT TO: Cheers, SUPER: Cheers, "Cliff Goes Postal", 1991] Cliff: (while firing a machine gun, maniacally) Hahahahahaha! [CUT TO: Urban street scene with limo, SUPER: Welcome Back Kotter, "Sweathog Mafia Ties", 1976] (gunshot fells passerby) Hitman: Got him! Horshack: (his trademark grunting laugh) [CUT TO: Bathroom, SUPER: Who's The Boss?, "Jonathan Sees Too Much", 1992] Jonathan: (effeminately, opening door) I'll be just a few minutes, Mom! I have a hot date with a girl that I want to get ready for. (notices Tony naked) Ooohh! Tony: (aghast and quickly covering up) Ay oh! Oh ay! [CUT TO: Kitchen, SUPER: The Golden Girls, "Sicilian Tradition", 1987] (Sophia is on the counter with her shirt open and pressing her breasts against the window, shot from behind again, of course). (Dorothy enters) Dorothy: Ma! You're not doing that again, are you? Sophia: (closes shirt and turns to Dorothy). Oh, come on pussycat, we used to do that all the time in Sicily! Your great grandmother, for example, did that every year until she was 90! And I remember hearing that her mother...(trails off) Announcer: Thought that was disturbing? Offensive even? Well, that's nothing compared to the next few clips. Clips from episodes so tasteless, so sickening, that for a brief three seconds, E! had second thoughts about running them! [CUT TO: Mess tent. SUPER: M*A*S*H, "Radar's Movie", 1977]. Radar: (sitting next to a camera, hand covering eyes but peeking out occasionally, and obviously a little nervous) Al-alright you two, I need you to m-move a little to the left! And Father Mulcahy, you looked like y-you were enjoying it a l-little too much last take. [CUT TO: WKRP station "bullpen". SUPER: WKRP In Cincinnati, "Bailey's Secret Life", 1980] Venus: Bailey, what the hell are you doing? (camera pulls back to reveal Bailey covered in blood and snacking on a human arm) Bailey: (shyly) I-I-I thought you knew I was a cannibal! (tries to hide behind arm) Venus: (in disbelief) I had a hunch someone here was a cannibal, but I always assumed it was Fever! [CUT TO: WJM Newsroom. SUPER: The Mary Tyler Moore Show, "A Little Extra Scratch", 1972] Rhoda: Mare, I tell ya, you're starting to creep me out with this...business of yours. Mary: Oh, Rhoda, Mr. Grant and I just needed a way to make some extra money for the station! Weatherman Gordie: But I thought slavery was illegal! Especially sex slavery! Sex slave: Yeah! Lou Grant: Pipe down you two! We need the money more now, especially after Ted's editorial in favor of invading Canada cost us all those sponsors! Announcer: And Sunday night at 11:30 pm, we will present what was once considered to be the most horrifyingly and gruesome example of the lack of taste in Hollywood: the lost Bob Newhart Show episode. [CUT TO: still photo of Bob's head on a topless female body, with black bars covering his "breasts". SUPER: The Bob Newhart Show, "Bob Flashes His Titties", 1975]. [Dissolve back to E! graphic] Announcer: The "Too Hot For TVLand Marathon", next weekend starting 7 am. Only on E!, the network that digs up common-knowledge dirt on old TV shows, then does re-enactments to increase their seediness. Rate or review this sketch. |
