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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey .....Chris Kattan Neil Diamond.....Will Ferrell Gay Speedskating Hitler.....Chris Kattan V/O: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. Tina Fey: In weekend talks amid wooded splendor, President Bush is urging Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak to keep "pushing for peace and fighting against the terrorist actions" that have rocked the Mideast. Bush also pleaded with Mubarak to set up a meeting for him with King Tutankhamen. Tina Fey: Citing property and tax documents, Massachusetts state Democratic officials have filed a legal challenge to Republican Mitt Romney's gubernatorial candidacy, contending he has not lived in Massachusetts long enough to be eligible. The same state officials have filed a challenge against Ted Kennedy because they claim he's lived in Massachusetts for too long. Jimmy Fallon: Former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry is ruling out speculation that he wants a Councilman seat because of the inadequacy of the current Councilman by not passing enough bills, but is not ruling it out altogether. He says if he does run though, we wants to run with crack. Jimmy Fallon: Shares of Tyco International Ltd. buckled, falling more than 30 percent to their lowest level in six years after a report revealed a widening criminal probe into whether executives used the conglomerate's cash to buy art and homes, or whether their line of Blue's Clues accessories are really, really gay. Tina Fey: President Bush finished signing the Gerald B.H. Freedom Consolidation Act of 2001 Monday. This endorses an expansion of NATO and authorizes military aid to seven nations that hope to join the alliance. And trying to not look foolish, Bush tried to cover up the fact that he was writing with a pen the wrong way. Jimmy Fallon: Mildly depressed older women tend to live longer than those who are not depressed at all, a surprising new US study suggests. This explains the excellent cast selections for "Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood." Tina Fey: Hong Kong pop heart-throb Nicholas Tse was slightly hurt on Friday as he squeezed past teeming paparazzi to appear in court on a charge of letting his former driver falsely take the blame for crashing his Ferrari. The Hong Kong singer also is being brought on charges of having his first name "Nicholas." Just doesn't seem right now, does it?! Jimmy Fallon: California Governor Gray Davis on Friday asked federal regulators to launch a probe into allegations that Perot Systems Corp. helped to manipulate the state's power market by showing energy companies how to exploit loopholes in trading systems it designed. He also wants to make it clear that he is not responsible for energy problems in California. Jimmy Fallon: Singer-actress Jennifer Lopez and her husband of less than nine months, choreographer Cris Judd, have separated. The key moment, Lopez says, is when she realized she was Jennifer Lopez, and that she was married to Cris Judd. Tina Fey: "John, it's not right to try and strangle homosexuals." Tina Fey: John Gotti, who swaggered, schemed and murdered his way to the pinnacle of organized crime in America only to be toppled by secret FBI tapes and a turncoat mobster's testimony, died at a prison hospital Monday at age 61. Funeral preparations are set to take place at West 67th street's, "The Olive Garden." Jimmy Fallon: Kelly Osbourne has announced she will follow in her fathers footsteps and record an album. Kelly confirmed to MTV backstage at the MTV Movie Awards that she will spend all of July and August in New York working on her debut album with producer Rick Wake. In a related story, Michael Bolton announced he will be going to 7-11 for a Slurpie. Tina Fey: There is still probe at whether athletes with intellectual disabilities will be allowed to compete in the 2006 Paralympics, because many did not have proper certification for the past 2002 event. When news broke, a distraught President Bush ran in the wide open arms of Dick Cheney and asked, "Dick, why can't me do this fun thing no more?" Jimmy Fallon: Iraqi President Saddam Hussein is a "world-class liar" who is trying to fool the world into thinking he has no interest in weapons of mass destruction, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld told U.S. troops Monday on this island nation in the Persian Gulf. Rumsfeld then went on to show the troops how to do the Macarena correctly." Tina Fey: Last week, Singer R. Kelly was arrested on charges of child pornography and that he slept with a 14 year old girl. Here now with a terrible re-enactment of this encounter, is our own Chris Kattan: Chris Kattan: [walks out with Cabbage Patch Doll in arms flirting with it] Man, baby, you 'da bomb. I got to get me in those pants, baby. Tina Fey: Oh, that's disgusting. Get out of here. Chris Kattan everyone. Jimmy Fallon: U.S. health officials on Friday responded to pleas from patients and allowed irritable bowel treatment Lotronex, which relieves constipation, is back on the market with restrictions. In a related story, Senator Strom Thurman is heading back to Washington today. Jimmy Fallon: It was reported this week that Africa's Lake Chad, that supports water for 20 million people and has helped drought in the past, is shrinking at 80% each year. Also shrinking at 80% a year? Martin Landau's testicles. Tina Fey: President Bush announced the formation of [pauses, and looks to side stage for entrance] Neil Diamond: [loud applause] Thank you Mork, and you too Mindy [Fallon and Fey look at each other confused]. I just wanna say I've missed the gang here, and I've been bored out of my mind at home. After all, one can only watch so many erotic porn fetish programs. I just wanted to drop by to say hello, hit it Vito… Hello again, hello Just called to say 'hello' I couldn't sleep at all tonight And I know it's late But I couldn't wait Hello, my friend, hello Just called to let you know I think about you every night When I'm here alone And you're there at home Hello I wanna bring my best buddy I've missed the most now, Gay Speedskating Hitler. Gay Speedskating Hitler: [waves a pink rose at the audience] Together: Hello, my friend, hello It's good to need you so It's good to love you like I do Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I'm Jimmy Fallon Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. [fade out to Neil Diamond and Gay Hitler's singing] Rate or review this sketch. |
