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Honey.....Julia Roberts Gary.....Jeff Richards Mrs. Johnson.....Rachel Dratch [ open in suburban living room, as phone on endtable next to couch starts to ring ] [ Honey enters from left to answer the phone ] Honey: Hello? Oh, hi, Mrs. Johnson! Gary's in the back, let me get him for you- what's that? No, we're not going anywhere. Sure, you can stop by the house! I'll let Gary know. See you soon. [ hangs up phone ] Gary, your mother's on her way over! [ starts to fluff the pillows on the couch ] [ Gary enters from right, wearing glasses and rubbing behind his ears with bath towel ] Gary: And to what do we owe her visit to? Honey: She didn't say. But it's always nice to have her stop by. Gary: It sure is. [ reaches over for Wife, kisses her on the lips ] Honey: [ pulls herself free, looks at Gary with disgust ] You shaved your beard? Gary: Yeah. It was getting too hot to keep it through the summer. Honey: [ scowl deepens, turns to outright anger ] You shaved your beard?! Gary: [ slinks to the side, trembling slightly ] Honey? Honey: Exactly what made you decide that you could just shave off your beard without consulting me first?! Gary: [ stammering ] Well, I-I-I.. figured since.. it was my face.. Honey: Oh, you just figured? Is that right? I'm your wife, Gary! We're supposed to make these kind of important decisions together - like whether or not to purchase a new car, have a baby, or shave your beard. Gary: Well, I didn't have to consult you when I first grew my beard. Did I? I did that on my own! Honey: We weren't even dating when you grew your beard! You already had it when I first met you. But now that we're married, the beard has fallen into our joint custody! Gary: Honey, I'll grow it back in the Fall! Honey: [ throws hands in the air ] You've missed the point entirely! Gary: [ trying not to laugh ] Honey, it's just prickly hair! It's not worth anything! Honey: But it changes everything! You're no longer the man I married! While you're at it, why not have laser-vision correction surgery and lose twenty pounds, then I can tell everyone I divorced you and married someone else! Gary: What? Honey: You don't look anything like you used to! You used to look like Rupert Holmes - now you look like, I don't know, Rupert Holmes without a beard! Gary: You know, it just occurred to me.. about twenty years from now, when I'm in my late 40's, my hair might start to thin, resulting in a receding hairline. I could become bald. I can't do anything about that - it's genetics. Honey: We'll cross that betrayal when we get to it. Right now, stop trying to change the subject of our beard! Gary: I just didn't think shaving my beard would be that big a deal.. Honey: Well, think again, because it is! How would you like it if I just decided to cut my hair short? Just lopped it off right above my shoulder! Gary: I wouldn't object to that. You've had the same hairstyle for seven years; quite frankly, I would welcome a change. Honey: Oh, so I'm not pretty enough for you now, is that it? Gary: No, Honey, that's not what I'm saying at all! I'm saying that I could never love you any less than I do now. If you were in a terrible auto accident, and you had to have both legs amputated, I would still love you as much as I do now, if not more. [ medium shot of Honey looking at Gary reflectively, almost a tear in her eye ] Honey: That's just sick! [ slaps Gary across the face ] Gary: [ more confused ] Honey? Honey: I can't believe you sit around having sexual fantasies about amputees! What do expect to clutch onto while you're ramming me, if I don't have any legs to swing in the air?! Gary: It's just a hypothetical situation. The point is I love you forever, unconditionally. Honey: I don't even know who you are any more, Gary! You're some beardless, underweight, corrective vision, amputee fetishist. Why did I marry you?! Gary: Look, I never dreamed that shaving my beard would cause this much of a commotion in our marriage. I mean, it's summer, the sun is scorching.. I figured having a beard this summer would make my face hot and itchy.. and I have every intention of growing it back in October when the cold weather returns. Just to please you, because I love you. Honey: [ thinking ] Can you grow it back after Labor Day? It starts getting chilly after Labor Day. Gary: Yeah.. maybe so. You realize I'm going to wake up with stubble on my face every morning, don't you? Honey: Mmm.. maybe I could help you shave that stubble off every morning? Gary: Yeah, that could be fun. But you promise you're not going to slash my throat with the razor, right? Honey: No, I'm not. [ they kiss ] My, it is smooth.. maybe I could lather your face with whipped cream, and shave it off with my tongue. Gary: [ excited ] That would be nice! [ doorbell rings ] There's Mom. I'll go let her in. [ Gary opens door to reveal Mrs. Johnson wearing heavy coat ] Gary: Hi, Mom. What brings you by? Mrs. Johnson: I just got back from the doctor's office. Gary: [ alarmed ] Doctor's office? Mom, are you alright?! Mrs. Johnson: I couldn't be better. [ removes coat to reveal genereous chest proportions ] I had my breasts enlarged! Gary: [ stunned ] Oh, that's great, Mom.. they look nice.. real nice.. Honey: [ stunned as well ] Yeah.. they're very.. becoming.. Mrs. Johnson: go ahead, dear, touch them. You'd never know they weren't real. Honey: No, that's okay.. Mrs. Johnson: Go ahead, touch them. Honey: No.. really.. Mrs. Johnson: Touch them! Honey: No..! [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
