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Celebrity Chef Paul Hendrick.....Chris Parnell Sandra Bullock.....Julia Roberts [ open on studio kitchen set, with title card: "Cooking With Celebrity Chef Paul Hendrick" ] [ dissolve title, as Celebrity Chef Paul Hendrick runs onto set performing various poses: double victory salute, falling star, etc. ] Celebrity Chef: [ excited ] Hi! And welcome to "Cooking With The Celebrity Chef"! I'm your chef, Paul Hendrick - thank you! [ studio audience erupts into applause ] Hey, who wants autographed 8x10 glossies! [ cut to audience shot, everyone reaching their arms out desperately ] Celebrity Chef: Okay, okay.. calm down! For me? Please! [ reaches under stove to retrieve stack of glossies ] Alright, one at a time, here they come! [ tosses individual glossies into the audience like frisbees; audience members topple over one another trying to capture a coveted glossy ] Ah, what the hell! I love seeing you bastards fight over these! [ flings the remaining stack of glossies into the audience, inciting a near riot amongst audience members ] Celebrity Chef: Okay! Hey! Alright! Alright, we've got a big show for you tonight, a very important celebrity coming into the kitchen.. so let's get this portion of the program out of the way right now. If you brought a camera and want to take my picture, now's your chance. On 3, alright? 1.. 2.. 3! [ Chef Paul grabs his spatula and touches it to his chin in a provocative pose, as flash bulbs click and flash at a rapid pace. Every couple of seconds, Chef Paul cocks his head in the opposite direction, producing more extreme flashes from the audience. ] Celebrity Chef: Alright, alright, alright! Enough of that! Hey, I don't want to see any of you people camping out in my front yard tonight, alright? I heard the rental of racoon costumes is up 30% in the tri-state area. Knock it off, alright? Celebrity Chef: Our celebrity tonight is a very important woman, she's been in a lot of charming movies - "Speed", "While You Were Sleeping", and the oh-so-sexy "Miss Congeniality". Please welcome.. Sandra Bullock! [ Sandra Bullock enters kitchen set to thunderous applause ] Sandra Bullock: Thanks for inviting me on the show, Chef Paul. Celebrity Chef: I like the way you say "Chef". So, tell us, Sandra, do you do a lot of cooking - in or out of the kitchen? Sandra Bullock: What do you mean, out of the kitchen? Celebrity Chef: We're just making ad-libbed conversation! Sandra Bullock: Oh.. well.. I usually confine my cooking to the kitchen. Celebrity Chef: [ shakes head ] That's a pity. [ places pots and pans upon the stove ] Well, Sandra, today we'll be preparing an elegant roast duckling au jus. Sandra Bullock: Au jus? I love au jus! Celebrity Chef: [ chuckles softly ] Mmm.. me, too. You know, I always say au jus doubles up nicely as a lotion in the bedroom. Sandra Bullock: Why would you want to use au jus as a lotion in the bedroom? Celebrity Chef: Well, it does taste good on anything.. if you catch my drift. Sandra Bullock: Yeah.. I do.. why don't you drift it over in that direction? [ light, awkward laughter from the studio audience ] Celebrity Chef: No, go ahead. Laugh it up, feel free! Sandra, that was a great ad-lib! Give her a hand, everyone! [ studio audience starts clapping enthusiastically ] Celebrity Chef: Alright. [ grabs ice cube from bucket and crushes it in ice crusher ] Now that we've broken the ice.. [ drops crushed cube down Sandra's back ] Sandra Bullock: [ jumps in frozen horror, screaming ] Celebrity Chef: Hey, we're just here to have fun, Sandra - chill out! [ studio audience erupts into laughter ] Celebrity Chef: [ pointing at the audience with a smile ] Hah? Ha ha! [ to Sandra ] We've got a good crowd today; they weren't anywhere near as enthusiastic last week when Gabe Kaplan joined me in the kitchen. Sandra Bullock: Oh, I didn't realize Gabe Kaplan was still a celebrity. Celebrity Chef: He's not, but he is an icon; and he can always use a check. [ holds up ducking ] Now, as you can see, this is a whole baby duckling, market fresh. In fact, I hit it with my car this morning while I was driving past the lake. It's not too big, but the taste is going to be phenomenal. [ stirs pot ] Alright, now, our au jus is heating up nicely, and we're going to use it to make a roux. All we need is a touch of flour. [ sprinkles flour into saucepan ] Now, we'll whisk it lightly, but we don't want to burn it - if it burns, we have to throw it out and start over. Sandra Bullock: So the roux compliments the duckling? Celebrity Chef: Trust me, Sandra, the overall taste will excite you like a sailor on shore leave. Now, let's take a taste and see if it's ready.. [ sticks finger in roux and takes a lick ] Hoo-whoo-oo! I-yi-yi, that's unbelievable! Sandra Bullock: Is it ready? Celebrity Chef: Sandra, it is fabulous! Oh, myyyy... [ sticks finger in, then licks his finger slowly and seductively ] Ohhhhhh, yessss.. [ begins to moan orgasmically ] Oh, Sandra, try it.. [ sticks finger in roux and extends near Sandra's mouth ] Try it, you have to try it.. Sandra Bullock: No, that's alright, I'll take your word that it's good. Celebrity Chef: Ohhhh, my loins are on fire! Sandra Bullock: You might be standing too close to the stove.. [ studio audience snickers ] I wasn't making a joke! Something's seriously wrong with this guy. Celebrity Chef: Oh, there's nothing wrong with me that another taste a roux can't fix. [ tastes more roux, as his eyes just about pop out of their sockets ] Oh, yesss.. oh, yesss.. [ grabs duckling from pot ] Come here, baby, I need you now more than ever.. [ lowers himself and duckling behind stove, still visible to camera ] Sandra Bullock: Hey, what is wrong with you! It's just food, for Chrissakes! Celebrity Chef: [ catching his breath ] Sandra, I beg of you - taste the roux! Sandra Bullock: [ rolls eyes ] Oh, alright! [ picks up ladel and samples the roux for herself ] [ Sandra throws down the ladel and lunges at Chef Paul to french kiss him like a wild animal; Chef Paul desperately tries to free himself from her clutches ] Celebrity Chef: WHAT the HELL is your problem?!! Sandra Bullock: What do you mean? Celebrity Chef: This is ridiculous!! You don't think I get tired of this?! Of having women take advantage of my celebrity status?! I was blessed with a gift for preparing fabulous foods, and when I try to share that gift with the public-at-large, what do they do?! They start smothering me with kisses, or camping out in my yard in racoon costumes, or tossing panties into my bisque! Well, it's just sick! Do you hear me? Sick! I had Charlotte Rae here one week, and the old girl got so excited about some teriyaki riblets I was preparing that she flashed herself right in front of me! There's no need for that! You people act like you've never enjoyed a good meal before! Sandra Bullock: I'm sorry. Your recipes are so exhilerating, I don't know what came over me. I wanted to share the excitement with you.. Celebrity Chef: My food can be an earth-moving experience - but it's not supposed to erupt into some sort of Roman orgy of lust! It's best enjoyed alone. Sandra Bullock: Alright, I'll control myself this time, I promise. Celebrity Chef: [ nods head ] Alright, then. [ quick pause ] Let's move on to the kilbasa, shall we? [ holds up large kilbasa ] It's got a great taste all its own, but a dab of honey-hickory barbecue sauce goes a long way. Just brush it down lightly, and let the juices absorb. [ strokes brush up and down kilbasa ] Sandra Bullock: That looks delicious. Can we make something out of clams and bean sprouts? Celebrity Chef: [ still brushing kilbasa ] Absolutely! [ to camera ] We'll back after this message from our sponsor. Here, why don't you work the brush, Sandra. Sandra Bullock: Sure thing. I can't wait to give this thing a taste.. [ flash Title Card over screen, fade to black ] Rate or review this sketch. |
