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Officer Gray.....Jeff Richards Officer Mike.....Horatio Sanz Father.....Chris Parnell [ Music intro: "Bad Boys" by Inner Circle ] [ COPS logo appears on screen ] [ As intro music plays, show disabled COPS busting into a house and dragging an old man out of a nursing home and throwing him into the back of a squad car ] Announcer: COPS is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. [ SUPER: San Jose, California ] [ Aerial shot of downtown, then cut to inside a police car ] Officer Gray: We see a lot of label theft in this particular precinct. You see, the Disabled Veterans of America sends labels out to every taxpayer in the county, and some of them fail to send a donation in return. [ car stops next to a fancy mansion on a hill ] Officer Gray: Ten-thirteen, we need backup on 5-192... yeah, it's a sad thing, when people go this bad. I'm a disabled vet myself and this sort of crime is an utter disgrace to society. Here we are. [ two other squad cars pull up; everyone gets out of the cars; the cameraman and cops run towards the door, the camera shaking. The cops bust down the door and shout ] Cops: Police! Come out with your hands up! Let's go! [ the cops knock over an end table, smashing the fancy vase that was on it; they smash windows, overturn tables, and leave dents in the wall with their batons; they continue to scream. The camera follows the cops upstairs as they break down another door ] Officer Gray: Put your hands behind your back now, let's go! Cuff him! [ The cops tackle and handcuff a ten-year old boy ] Officer Mike: He's one of the conspirators... Officer Gray: Where are the labels? Boy: Labels? Officer Mike: Don't give me that crap, where the hell are the labels? Boy: I don't know! [ Officer Gray walks out of the room, and the cameraman follows him as he breaks open a big set of double doors. The father is reading a book in an easy chair; Gray and two other cops fly through the air and tackle him, knocking the chair backwards ] Officer Gray: Stay right where you are! You're under arrest! Father: For what? Officer Gray: Are you aware, sir, that you neglected to pay for address labels that the Disabled Veterans of America mailed you? Father: Why, I thought they were free. Officer Gray: They most certainly aren't, according to San Jose Municipal Code 1343, subsection 452-A31.2. Failure to pay for Disabled Veterans of America labels. We'll have to take you into the station. Father: You've gotta be kidding me! I don't have any left over, I used them all! And it didn't say in the letter that I had to pay for them. Officer Gray: You've deprived the Disabled Veterans of a cash donation that will benefit people who need it. You're coming with me. You're a disgrace ] [ camera follows cops as they drag the dad back into the little boy's room ] Officer Mike: [ holding a plastic bag full of crack powder ] We found this in the kid's lunch box. Officer Gray: [ opens the bag and looks inside ] Oh, so now your son's destroying the evidence! Father: What the?! Officer Gray: Once he found out that we were coming for you, your son shredded the labels and put the remains in this bag. Officer Mike: Can you explain this, sir? [ opens up a cabinet and all sorts of guns, cans of booze, porno magazines, bongs, and bricks of marijuana fall out; Mike reaches into the now-empty cabinet and pulls out two address labels ] Father: Where did those come from? Officer Gray: He told me that he had no labels left, but apparently that's not the case. Officer Mike: Well, then, sir, are you aware that you just committed a felony by lying to a police officer? Father: What?! Officer Gray: Let's go, mister. [ amid kicking and screaming, the cops drag out the father and son, leaving the stash of drugs, arms, and alcohol behind ] [ cut back to Officer Gray in the squad car, driving ] Officer Gray: Well, that's one more label offender off the street. We do this city a service by ridding it of label fraud, and risking my life every day is the enjoyable part of my job. [ end sketch, as COPS goes to commercial ] Rate or review this sketch. |
