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Int. - Doe Living Room – Day There is a knock on the front door and Mrs. Doe appears from the kitchen to open the door. Wiping her hands with the kitchen rag, she opens the door for Mr. Jerkins, the insurance guy. Mrs. Doe: Hello. Mr. Jerkins: Good afternoon, Mrs..? Mrs. Doe: Doe. Mr. Jerkins: Oh, DEER... Ha Ha HAHA!! Mrs. Doe: What can I do for you? Mr. Jerkins: Yes, right. I am Mr. Jerkins from Bull Insurance. Is your husband home? Mrs. Doe: No, he's out and I don't think he's interested... Mr. Jerkins walks into the living room. Puts down his briefcase and plops himself down on the sofa. Mrs. Doe, a little timid, just watches him without reacting. Mr. Jerkins: You don't mind if I sit here and wait, do you? I'm not in any hurry. Mrs. Doe: No, no....Excuse me, I have a casserole in the oven. (Hesitantly) Make yourself at home. Mrs. Doe exits to the kitchen. Mr. Jerkins: Don't mind if I do. Mr. Jerkins removes his shoes, his tie and shirt. He braces them over the back of a chair. He removes his pants. He takes slippers and a baseball cap out of his briefcase and puts them on and then searches for the remote and turns on the TV. Suddenly, he feels a little chilly and gets up to adjust the thermostat. He plops back down on the couch, puts his feet on the cocktail table and watches the tube. Mr. Jerkins: Hey Deer! (he chuckles) Could you bring me a brewskie??? Suddenly, the front door opens and Mr. Doe appears with a few bags of groceries. Stunned at the sight of Mr. Jerkins, he stares. Mr. Jerkins: Brought any chips? (Rubs his stomach) I've got a rumbly in my tumbly. Mr. Doe: Who the hell are you? (Screams for his wife) Doris! What in God's name is going on here? Mrs. Doe appears from the kitchen with a beer and places it in front of Mr.Jerkins. Mrs. Doe: He's the insurance salesman. Mrs. Doe exits to the kitchen. Mr. Doe: Well, I've got half a mind to pop you one, Mister, right in the kisser. Mr. Jerkins: I wouldn't do that if I were you. You see, I've been in this business a very very long time. I've taken a few punches, so for extra protection I've had my jaw reinforced with solid steel. Knocks on his jaw. It'll hurt you more than it'll hurt me. Nyah! (sticks out his tongue.) Mr. Doe: Why you son -of - a.... I've got half a mind to ram my fist right into your beer bloated belly. Mr. Jerkins shakes his head. Mr. Doe: Don't tell me. Not a steel stomach. Mr. Jerkins: (Laughing) No. no.... Cast Iron. Mr. Doe: (posing this as a question) Then, I'll grind my heel into your prepubescent premium seeking groin? Mr. Jerkins: Not a good idea. Mr. Doe: Steel? Mr. Jerkins: No. Mr. Doe: Cast Iron? Mr. Jerkins: No. Mr. Doe: A 2x4 ?? What already??? Mr. Jerkins: Gone. Mr. Doe: Gone? Mr. Jerkins: Castrated. Got 'em kicked so many times, I just had 'em whacked off. Mr. Doe grabs his groin. Mr. Doe: Ouch. Mr. Jerkins: So you see, there is very little you could do without sustaining more bodily harm to yourself than to me. DORIS... when’s dinner ready? I’m starved! Mr. Doe can't stand this any more and grabs Mr. Jerkins by the neck. He makes a fist, then opens his hand to investigate his head. Mr. Jerkins pulls out some papers from his briefcase. Mr. Jerkins: You must want me really bad, don't you? Mr. Doe: Uh huh. Mr. Jerkins: If you did hit me, which you probably will, it will hurt you, could even hospitalize you, keep you from going to work for a week or so. So why don't we settle this like men and let me insure you for the hospitalization, major medical, workmen’s compensation, and sprinkle it with some life insurance.. You never know, I may have had kung fu training. That way, you can kick my ass now, and not worry about the damages later. What do you say? Mrs. Doe appears from the kitchen some dinner. She places it in front of Mr. Jerkins who elbows her and she falls to the floor. Mr. Jerkins: Better get the wife covered, too. And what if you were to yank me around and, say, throw me into this corner. (Mr. Jerkins throws himself into a corner where a lamp resides on a small table. He knocks them over and the lamp breaks). I think it would really be beneficial for me to throw in some homeowners insurance right about now. Don't you think, Mr. Doe? Mr. Jerkins makes some calculations and shows them to a pondering, yet angered Mr. Doe. Mr. Jerkins: Just think - for this very low price you get all this coverage and you the chance to beat the stuffing out of me, too. Mr. Jerkins throws some paper on the table and Mr. Doe signs them all. He grabs Mr. Jerkins by the neck. Mr. Jerkins: Uh, uh uh. Check first. Mr. Doe: Doris!! Get my checkbook! Doris gets him the checkbook. He fills it out and puts it in Mr. Jerkin’s hand. Mr. Jerkins sticks out his jaw. Mr. Doe pops him one and screams. Mr. Doe: My fist is broken! Mr. Jerkins: It's a darn good thing you're covered with Bull. Mr. Jerkins grabs his clothes and briefcase and heads for the door. Mr. Doe though writhing in agony, decides to kick Mr. Jerkins in the butt. He rebounds from the kick and falls backwards onto the television and breaks it. Mr. Jerkins, closing the door behind him, shakes his head and looks at Mr. Doe on the floor. Mr. Jerkins: (pointing to his rear) Butt implants! All the rage back at the office…. Bye, bye now - and have a safe day! Rate or review this sketch. |
