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.... Julia Roberts Audience Member #1 .... Amy Poehler Audience Member #2 .... Maya Rudolph Audience Member #3 .... Rachel Dratch [Julia Roberts enters.] Julia Roberts: Wow! Thank you! Thank you so much! It is so great to be here! You have no idea what a thrill it is to be hosting Saturday Night Live finally after almost twenty years in Hollywood! It's been so much fun getting to do comedy this week because I haven't had much chance- [Julia is interrupted by an audience member.] Audience Member #1: Oooh... excuse me?! Julia?! Julia Roberts: Ummm... I didn't know we were taking questions but hey, I'm carefree on SNL. What's your question? Audience Member #1: Is Keifer Sutherland here? Julia Roberts: [pause] No... not that I know of. Why? Audience Member #1: It's just... I LOVE him! He's so sexy! And he's so amazing on 24! Julia Roberts: It's a terrific show but I don't understand why you'd ask me about him. Audience Member #1: But... aren't you the heartless bitch that broke up with Keifer Sutherland and fled for Europe with his best friend like a hoochie? Julia Roberts: [long pause] Uh... that isn't what happened. I don't know what you think you heard but I didn't... what word did you use? "Flee for Europe like a... what?" [Audience Member #2 stands up] Audience Member #2: Uh, yeah. A hoochie. She called you the heartless bitch who fled to Europe with the Keifman's boy like a hoochie. Julia Roberts: [aghast] Look... you've obviously got the wrong idea... [Audience Member #3 stands up] Audience Member #3: Uh yeah, Julia... do we need to print it on an envelope so you can open it, read it, and look like a RETARD?! Julia Roberts: I don't know where this attack is coming from, but... Audience Member #2: Listen, honey... you don't exactly have a great track record among the old Ya-Ya Sisterhood, a'ight? You played Keifer like a ho, you ran around on Matthew Perry, and you broke up with Benjamin Bratt because he wanted to make you an honest woman. You know how many of us would kill for a guy like that? [Applause from the female members of the audience.] Julia Roberts: Yeah... well, when I ran off with Keifer, I ran off with JASON PATRIC! [Stunned silence.] Audience Member #1: [distraught] Oh my GOD! Audience Member #2: Girl... that's nasty. Audience Member #3: Jason Patric?! My god, didn't Pamela Anderson turn him down! Julia Roberts: [upset] Yes! Jason Patric! The Jason Patric who was in "Speed 2: Cruise Control"! Doesn't that mean I've paid my dues?! Doesn't that mean that I've suffered enough?! [pause] JASON PATRIC! You saw him host this show! [another pause] JASON PATRIC! [The three women are cowed.] Audience Member #2: Girl, we're sorry. Audience Member #3: Yeah... we didn't know. [whispers] Jason Patric. Julia Roberts: It's okay... this has happened before. Audience Member #1: I can imagine. [pauses then smiles] You do wish you could get Kiefer back, huh? Julia Roberts: God, every DAY! Are you kidding me?! [shakes her head] Anyway, we've got a great show! Blink 182 is here so stick around, we'll be right back! [Fade out.] Rate or review this sketch. |
