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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey .....Tracy Morgan V/O: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I'm Jimmy Fallon, Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey, and here are tonight's top stories. Tina Fey: It was announced Monday that journalist Geraldo Rivera will return to network TV next month as an investigative reporter for a nine-week news magazine series produced for FOX. FOX officials said they had to give the job to Geraldo because, to their surprise, he survived living in Afghanistan. Tina Fey: On a side note, FOX President Stanley Shuman now owes NBC $2 million, after losing a bet that Geraldo would be dead before he was supposed to return to the United States. In his defense, Shuman said, "Hey, I thought 6 months was more than enough time to kill him off." 
Jimmy Fallon: Here we see President Bush talking trying desperately to make sense at a White House Press conference, while Colin Powell stares off wondering when this horrible dream will end.
Jimmy Fallon: Actress Jennifer Aniston's lawsuit against two magazine publishers for printing unauthorized photos of her sunbathing topless will proceed next week without a jury, the judge ruled on Monday. In a related story, Camryn Manheim is suing Esquire for showing a picture of her fat ass. Tina Fey: U.S. surgeons began procedures on Monday aimed at eventually separating twin Guatemalan girls who were born joined at the top of their skulls. For moral support, Mary Kate and Ashley are on hand. Jimmy Fallon: U.S. regulators said on Monday they had approved the first skin test for cholesterol to help doctors identify patients with severe coronary artery disease. In a related story, Dick Cheney was diagnosed as dead today. Jimmy Fallon: World Health Organization food safety experts start three days of meetings Tuesday to probe reports that potato chips, French fries and other carbohydrate-rich foods contain a cancer-causing substance. This does raise an interesting question though. Why does Lay's keep sending Gilbert Gottfried free potato chips? Tina Fey: Angela Bassett was quoted this week saying, "I wasn't going to be a prostitute on film. I couldn't do that because it's such a stereotype about black women and sexuality." Oh yea, then that'll explain her conservative ways in "How Stella Got Her Groove Back." Tina Fey: Three novels apparently written by President Saddam Hussein will be taught in Iraqi schools from the start of the next academic year, a weekly newspaper reported Sunday. One of the novels, "Zabibah and the King," tells of a monarch who avenges a woman's honor after she is raped on the day U.S.-led forces launched the Gulf War. Meanwhile, President Bush plans to unveil his book titled "Old Woman," in which he talks about an old woman that bossed her husband around for four years. Tina Fey: Bush plans to discuss other matters from his books, including farting, Nickelodeon, and the things at the end of your shoelace. Jimmy Fallon: A dog park in Albany, New York, that spans almost a half acre, now allows dogs to be unleashed an interact and play with each other. Oh yea, it also allows them a better opportunity to sniff each other's asses. Jimmy Fallon: In Germany, Chancellor Schroeder came out in favor of substantial reforms for the German educational system. In a government declaration before the Bundestag, Schroeder said that established standards and achievement monitoring would have to be instituted. Now, while not proving, this does nothing to disprove my time tested theory: Germans Love David Hasselhoff. Tina Fey: Lisa Kudrow, Tony Danza, Dave Matthews. All the people who will still have a career next year, take one step forward. Not so fast, Tony! Tina Fey: And in a related story, Jeb Bush. Jimmy Fallon: Scientists announced this week that the steady rise on the population would slowly decline the amount of land available per person, and by they year 2050 be shrink to half of what it is today. Also shrinking to half of what it was? Martin Landau's testicles. Jimmy Fallon: OJ Simpson was in town for the Mike Tyson fight a few weeks back. When asked why he was in town, he said, "Because if Mike had bit his ear off out of anger, I'd have to take his bloody shorts and hop on a plane to Chicago." Tina Fey: And now here with some news and hot spots for the summer, is our own, Tracy Morgan. Tracy Morgan: Thanks Tina. You lookin' fine tonight; those nice pants, and those glasses. But maybe after the show, both of 'dem thing will be off. Yea. Word. We'll talk about that later. For now, I'm here to discuss some hot spots for families this summer. I wanna start out in Myrtle Beach. No I been there before, aight. This place is loaded with hot babes. This is definitely a place to get your freak on. You know, just go to the clubs, you can get all bundled up in the strippers panties while your wife and kids enjoy riding some go-carts… Tina Fey: Umm, Tracy, aren't you married, and don't you think that might be inappropriate for the kids? Tracy Morgan: Haha, you're funny Tina. Hold snap. If ya'll don't like it there, just come up here to the city. I'll show you a good time here (winks at the camera). But see, anyone who comes on my tour has to sign a waiver about drugs and stuff cause I didn't know that little Chinese dude was gonna get caught by the cops; after all, it was only a gram. Ah man, if you saw the expression on that almond eye's face- it was HILARIOUS. Next time, I'll show you some places that you could visit if you wanted to get all freaky. Back to you, Tina and Jimmy. Jimmy Fallon: Tracy Morgan, everyone. For Weekend Update, I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. Rate or review this sketch. |
