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President George W. Bush.....Jeff Richards Laura Bush.....Tina Fey Vice-President Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond Colin Powell.....Dean Edwards Condoleeza Rice.....Maya Rudolph [ open on interior, Oval Office, as Laura Bush, Dick Cheney and Condoleeza Rice set up for President Bush's surprise birthday party ] Condoleeza Rice: You're sure he doesn't suspect a thing? Laura Bush: Who, George? He still thinks the Tampa Devil Rays stand a chance. [ office Red Phone buzzes ] Hello? He's on his way upstairs? Okay, thank you. [ hangs up ] Positions, everyone! George is on his way up! [ Dick Cheney drops the lights, as the three of them assume there hiding places behind various pieces of furniture ] [ the doorknob jiggles for a second, as Bush attempts to pull the door open, then finally tries pushing it instead ] [ as Bush enters, Cheney's shaow rises from the dark to flip the lights, as the three of them jump up ] Group: SURPRISE!!!! [ Bush is motionless, not yet "in tune" to what's going on ] Dick Cheney: Mr. President? Hello? President George W. Bush: What's all this about? Did I just win the Publisher's Clearinghouse? Dick Cheney: Ah, you crazy kidder! [ noogies Bush ] President George W. Bush: Ow, stop that! My head's still growing! Come on, now. What is all this? Dick Cheney: Don't you know what today is, Mr. President? It's your birthday. President George W. Bush: [ cocks heads curiously ] Is that right? The last I heard, it was Saturday. Dick Cheney: This year, it's Saturday; next year, it's Sunday? President George W. Bush: Really? How'd you know that, Dick? With prognostications like that, you should have spoken up last September. How much of this did you know in advance? Dick Cheney: Relax, Mr. President. We're here to celebrate! President George W. Bush: [ glancing from end of the room to the other ] We will not celebrate.. until every terrorist group of global reach has been found, stopped and defeated. Dick Cheney: Come on, Mr. President. Take the night off. Have some cake and ice cream. It's your favorite, the kind with the little gummy worms in it. President George W. Bush: No anthrax? Dick Cheney: [ hesitant ] No.. Condoleeza Rice: You seem so surprised, Mr. President. You really didn't know that we were going to throw you a party? President George W. Bush: How was I to know? Dick Cheney: Well, we did leave clues so you wouldn't be too surprised. President George W. Bush: Clues? What kinds of clues? Dick Cheney: Well, like, last night, I left a memo I left on your desk that read, "Tomorrow is zero day." Didn't that mean anything to you? President George W. Bush: I just figured it was some sort of office theme - like Casual Friday. So I wore a zero pin on my lapel. [ points to pin ] Dick Cheney: Where the hell did you get that from? President George W. Bush: Spencer Gifts, down at the mall. They've got damn near everything there! If you really wanted to surprise me, you should've given me a buttload of gift certificates to that place! Dick Cheney: Well, we didn't get you gift certificates to Spencer's, but we did chip in to donate $20,000 to the Environmental Protection Agency in your name. President George W. Bush: Sure - the nation gets clean air; but I don't get my multi-colored lava lamp that I asked for. I left open catalogues all over the White House. Condoleeza Rice: I guess most of us aren't very perceptive of the obvious. I just assumed you had some old frat buddies over, and you were all too drunk to properly put your toys away. President George W. Bush: What did I have to do to get you to notice - place a spotlight over the catalogue? Condoleeza Rice: Hey, don't knock me. What about how I hinted at this surprise party by voice-mailing you and whispering, "The match begins tomorrow." President George W. Bush: Oh. I thought that had something to do with Wimbledon. I'm sorry to hear it's not, because I was really starting to catch the Baseball Fever. Dick Cheney: No, Mr. President. Wimbledon is tennis. President George W. Bush: [ digests information ] Well, look. Why can't we all just be brothers? Laura Bush: Come on, George, you must have suspected we were up to something! What about when I told not to leave the country tonight, because I had something really special planned? President George W. Bush: Well, Laura.. I just thought you wanted sex. Laura Bush: George, have I ever wanted sex with you - aside from when I'm drunk? President George W. Bush: Hey, speaking of which - where's the booze? Dick Cheney: No, Mr. President, no drinking for you. You get out of control enough just being sober. President George W. Bush: Ah, hell, just forget that. How about my presents? You guys did get me some real presents, right? Dick Cheney: No, sir, Mr. President. Just the EPA donation. But there is cake on your desk. Come on, let's light the candles and watch you blow them out. President George W. Bush: I'm down for that. [ Laura bush lights the candles ] Laura Bush: Alright, everyone, let's sing "Happy Birthday" for George. [ the lights are dimmed, as everyone circles the desk to sing to President Bush ] Group: "Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, Mr. Presideeeeeent.." Dick Cheney: That's your solo, sir! President George W. Bush: [ singing ] "Live from New York, it's Saturday Niiiiiiiight." Rate or review this sketch. |
