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Bob.....Drew Carey Guard.....Tracy Morgan Inmate #1.....Chris Kattan Inmate #2.....Darrel Hammond Warden.....Dean Edwards INT. A PRISON The GUARD escorts BOB to a jail cell. Bob: "No! I don't belong in there!" Guard: "Please sir, if I had a nickel for everytime I heard that, I'd be richer than Worldcom right now." They finally get to the cell, which houses two other inmates dressed in orange jumpsuits. Bob: "Please, I'll do whatever it takes to get me out of this place! THE GUARD shoves BOB into the cell and closes the door. Guard: You should have thought about that before you committed the crime, you dirty, little man... Bob: (while clinging to the cell bars) "Thought about what? I'm not dirty or little either..." THE GUARD leaves while humming the theme song to COPS. Inmate #1: "...its no use porky. We wouldn't be criminals if we could think." Bob: "What is this? I pay tax dollars to support this place, and when I visit, I get ridiculed? Sheesh." INMATE #2 steps forward with a smirk on her face. Inmate #2: What are you "visiting" for? BOB stammers and tilts his head to the ground, too ashamed to tell. Inmate #1: "That's ok, man. Hookers are a very essential part to human life. The undercover cops are always the hottest ones..." Bob: "No, no. It wasn't anything to do with a prostitute. Inmate #2: "Then what was it? Believe us, its probably nothing we haven't heard before." Bob: "Ah, ok....I stole cable." Both of the INMATES exchange confused glances. Inmate #1: (half laughing) "You stole cable as in cable TV?!" BOB puts his back down and mutters something. Bob: "Yes." Both INMATES howl in laughter. Bob: "Hey, you said you guys have heard everything!" Inmate #2: "Yeah, like REAL crimes! Bob: Well, what did you two do that was so bad?" Both INMATES faces change to toughness and seriousness Inmate #1: "I had an arrest warrant in eight different states for Grand Theft Auto and Arson." BOB takes a step back. Inmate #2: Attempted homicide, Disturbing the Peace, five time DUI-er, and a stolen car police chase for fifty miles..." BOB takes a few more steps back. Inmate #1: Wait a second, I think I understand why this dude stole cable." Inmate #2: "He's a heartless, gutless, cheapskate?" Inmate #1: "Well, that was my second guess, but I think he wanted to hide the fact that he wasn't a subscriber to the porn channels." Bob: (biting his lip) "Uh...yeah...sure!" Inmate #2: "I don't believe him. I still think he's a heartless..." Suddenly, BOB lunches forward at INMATE #2 to hit him. But just then, the WARDEN steps in front of the cell. Warden: "Hey, HEY! What is going on here?" BOB pats INMATE #2 on the back and dusts himself off as he walks towards the bar. Bob: "Nothing sir. We were just getting to know each other better." Warden: "Well, I hope you guys enjoyed your time together; all of you will be split up. Guard, take the cable pirates out of this cell and put then in the East Wing." Bob: "Wait. Cable PIRATES? I thought I was the only one?" The WARDEN starts to laugh. Warden: "No, definately not. These two other guys were some of the most notorious cable pirates in the tri-state area. You didn't believe their stories, did you?" BOB lowers his head again and mutters. Bob: "Yes." Now, BOTH INMATES join THE WARDEN in laughter as they all exit. FADE OUT. Rate or review this sketch. |
