|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Officer Jack.....Chris Parnell Officer Luis.....Horatio Sanz Fan.....Drew Carey Usher.....Dean Edwards Victim.....Rachel Dratch Criminal.....Tracy Morgan Father.....Will Ferrell Mother.....Amy Poehler [ Music intro: "Bad Boys" by Inner Circle ] [ COPS logo appears on screen ] [ As intro music plays, show COPS running and tackling a naked streaker in the outfield of a major league ballpark ] Announcer: COPS is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. [ SUPER: Oakland, California ] [ SUPER: Oakland Coliseum Security Task Force ] [ Aerial shot of outside of baseball stadium, then cut to the Oakland Coliseum concourse, two cops are walking around with the camera following them] Officer Luis: It's a tough job, really, because you never know when fans can become rowdy or abusive. Especially fans in this ballpark... Oakland's gotten a bad rap for being the homicidal fan capital of the country, thanks to the Raiders. The A's fans are usually pretty good but we do have problems with them on occasion. It might be because of the booze, but there's not much we can do about that. [ SUPER: 2:31 PM - Seat discrepancy call ] [ Officer Luis and Officer Jack are in a golf cart-style vehicle with a flashing light on the top of it, cruising through the concourse ] Officer Luis: Alright, we've got a call from an usher in section 313, apparently there is a heated argument between some fans about seating. This happens a lot, really... somebody comes to the ballpark and finds some other bozo sitting in his or her seats. That's what can turn people sour here. OK, section 313, here it is. Let's see what's up. [ the officers get out of the cart and run out into the seating area, camera follows them shakily; the whole section is filled with empty seats except for one, which one person is sitting in. The fan is arguing loudly with the usher ] Fan: [ bleep bleep bleeeeep ]! What a crock of [ bleeping bleep ]! Usher: Calm down, sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave now. Fan: [ Bleep ] you! I paid four dollars for this [ bleep ] damn seat, you brainless mother [ bleep ]! Officer Jack: Do we have a problem here? Fan: There most certainly is! We gotta whole sea of empty seats here, I have a ticket that's the same value except in the upper deck, and I decided that I'll sit down here since nobody else seems to want to. Officer Luis: [ shaking his head ] Oh yeah? Well what happens when a family comes down here to claim their rightful seats, just to find your fat ass sitting in one of them? Officer Jack: Ha haaa! [ the two officers exchange high-fives ] Fan: [ now in a psychotic fit ] What the [ bleep bleep bleep ] did you just say, you [ bleep bleep ]!!! Officer Luis: I said you're under arrest for swearing at a law enforcement officer... and having a body fat percentage higher than 100%. Move along. [ Officers grab the fan and drag him off ] Fan: [ bleep bleep bleep.].. (bleeps continue until end of sequence) [ as Officers Jack and Luis take away the fan, a victim runs by screaming, followed by a criminal with a knife. The COPS ignore the screaming. [ cut to Officers Jack and Luis in the cart again ] Officer Jack: We feel that we did not use excessive force or discriminated against the extra-blubbery. We were protecting the safety and convenience of fans in that section, even if they hadn't yet arrived or weren't going to arrive. [ SUPER: 3:02 PM - Game recording dispute call ] Officer Luis: Now we have a 10-403 in section 101. Officer Jack: [ into walkie-talkie ] 7-4-9, this is A12, we're on our way. [ cut to a father and his family at the game, father holding a videocamera ] Father: [ narrating ] And now Bobby's reading his program - Hey, Bobby! Pay attention to the game, huh sport? Bobby: [ frowns, then continues reading program ] Father: Well, it looks like Bobby's enjoying it so much that he's not paying attention! [ chuckles ] Anyhoos, there's a full count on Jermaine Dye, and... [ Officers Luis and Jack cut into the scene ] Officer Luis: We'll need to see that camera now, sir. Father: Is there a problem? Officer Luis: That's what we've been told. [ takes camera from Father ] Hmm... lemme rewind this... Officer Jack: You're here to tape the game, huh? Father: Well yes, it's Bobby's first visit to a baseball game so we wanted to capture the moment, you know. Officer Luis: [ viewing contents of videocamera through eyepiece ] Well, what do we have here... [ show camera footage of an older baseball game, taped from stands ] Officer Luis: Seems like you've taped multiple games here... [ show final camera footage of the old game, then the camera cuts to a dark room, zooming in on a piece of paper; the paper has a picture of a bomb, then an arrow pointing to a circle with the words "Oakland Coliseum" inside; the words "do it during Bobby's first game, seventh inning stretch" scrawled out at the bottom; then, the camera cuts to the beginning of the current game ] Officer Luis: Aha!!! Sir, I hate to do this... but I'm going to have to place you under arrest. Father: What?! You've gotta be kidding me! Officer Jack: You're under arrest for taping this game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball. You ought to fry in hell for what you've just done. Officer Luis: Let's go. Father: You're arresting me for that? Instead of the plans to blow up the Coliseum? Officer Luis: We got a report from the network that you were taping the game with intention to re-broadcast it illegally. That's why you're busted. Now quit trying to cover up your malicious plagiarizing lies with some other unlikely crime. [ cut back to two officers in golf cart ] Officer Jack: The hard work of the networks televising this game goes unnoticed by many, but we just protected the rights that the ESPN network have to this game by coming down hard on a criminal who's trying to retransmit these games with illicit intentions. Some people laugh when they hear the disclaimer, but that guy's not going to be laughing any more now that he's on a one way trip to jail. [ COPS logo appears on screen, cue music as show ends ] Rate or review this sketch. |
