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Food Network V/O...Drew Carey Emeril...Chris Parnell NBC V/O...Don Pardo Producer...Chris Kattan Taste Tester...Amy Poehler (open on Food Network Logo) Food Network V/O: The Food Network feels it is important to address current issues. No matter how retarded you think this idea might be, The Food Network has lined up three special shows about diseases and biological weapons for your viewing pleasure tonight. At 9:00, Marc Summers explores the down sides of ill-prepared chicken on Salmonella Unwrapped. At 10:00, Mark Silverstein and Jill Cordes go to restaurants with repeated health and safety violations on The Best Of Food Poisoning. Coming Up Next: Emeril’s Anthrax Desert Spectacular! Now, live on location from the lobby of the Hart Senate office building in Washington D.C. here’s Emeril! Emeril: Hey! How are ya? Tonight, I will kick up your taste buds and send them to an early grave, how will you survive without your taste buds? You will just have to stick around and see because we will be right back! NBC v/o: The National Broadcasting Company would like to sincerely apologize to the American people for giving Emeril his own sitcom. Since we here at NBC are making an effort to bring you better TV and have already fired the morons who put Emeril’s sitcom on the air in the first place. NBC pledges to air quality programming unlike this show or our entire 1981-1982 prime time lineup. We promise it will never happen again and remember: Stupid TV executives=Bad, Emeril’s Sitcom=Worse. Now back to our regularly scheduled program, already in progress. Emeril: Hey! Welcome back to Emeril’s Anthrax Desert Spectacular, here on The Food Network! Now, let us start on our Rum Cake, shall we? You should know we are going to need two bottles of rum for this recipe, one bottle for the cake and one to get me happy, happy, and happy you know. In addition to rum I will also throw in Russian Vodka, Smirnoff Ice, Jack Daniels, Cherry Kool-Aid, Dimetapp, Triaminic, Tylenol Gel Caps, Robitussin, Winter green flavored Scope mouth wash, and finally a few sprays of Chloraseptic. Next, we take the cake pan and... BAM! Stick the cake crust in the cake pan and... BAM! Put our liquid ‘mix’ into the cake pan. Now add in your anthrax. Now I don’t know where you get your anthrax, I got this anthrax out of the ceiling vent above me, your anthrax might come already seasoned but I prefer to add my own ‘seasonings’ like: sugar, flour, baking soda, crack, and Quikcrete fast setting concrete mixture. After you have done that, sprinkle that on there... BAM! (Emeril continues) BAM! BAM! (Producer frantically tries to get Emeril to move on, Emeril sticks his pointer finger out like a machine gun) Rapid Fire BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! (Audience members nervously laugh at Emeril’s antics) Stick in the BAM! Oven for 20 minutes at 500 degrees. Here’s one we… BAM! Made earlier and BAM! Doesn’t that look Delicious? Now to top BAM! Off your cake, you need some whip cream, so just go and BAM! Right on the top of that. Now let us have an audience member taste this, here you go. (Person takes a bite of cake) Taste Tester: MM-M, this is delicious, I like the... (Starts choking), I think I’m having a heart attack! (Clenches chest) HELP!(Drops to the ground Emeril: Let us see what caused this ‘tragedy’. Ok, blood alcohol level of .5, which is more then six times the legal limit, overdosed on non-prescription medicine and the concrete has already set, clamping her jaws shut, they don’t call it ‘Quick’ for nothing. (laughs maniacally) That is our show for today, and if I am not sued, I’LL SEE YOU TOMOROW EVERYBODY! (Emeril ‘Power bombs’ dead body) BAM! (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch. |
