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Dr.Keegan...Christopher Walken Mr. Brookes...Seth Meyers (opens up in doctor's office. The Patient sits on the Hospital bed with the doctor sitting on the stool beside the bed) Dr. Keegan: Well well well, Mr. Brookes, looks like you don't have testicular cancer, after all!! Mr. Brookes: yes, Dr. Keegan, for the last freaking time, I don't have testicular cancer! You really don't have to check me again, it is official, so will you please move away from my crotch area? (The doctor stands up) Dr. Keegan: I only wanted to make sure. It's for your benefit! Mr. Brookes: I can understand that sir, but it doesn't take two hours to determine if someone has penis cancer. I'm tired of being "Man-Handled", so I would like to go home now, please! Dr. Keegan: I'm just doing my job! I want to make sure that I examine each patient thoroughly, and if that's a crime, you best lock me up. Mr. Brookes: Well I'm sorry, but I've had enough of this whole experience, and it was bad enough when you started singing "Charma Chameleon" and dancing around like a fruit, but the people at the front desk should warn the patients that the doctor is gay. Dr. Keegan: Holy Moly!! Gad-blastit!!! I have already been through this with you! I am not a gay doctor!!! Sure, I listen gay 80's pop music and dress up like Marilyn Monroe, but that doesn't make me gay, dagshnabbit!!! Mr. Brookes: Oh yea? How do you explain your little "accident" when you where poking at my goober? Dr. Keegan: What?!!!???! Mr. Brookes: You know what I'm talking about! If you were straight, that wouldn't have happened! Dr. Keegan: Uh...I was....uh....oh junt. Mr. Brookes: HA! I caught you!!! Dr. Keegan: No! It was just that...the shape and size of your...uh...package...reminded me of...uh...MY WIFE!! Yea! That's it! my wife!! Mr. Brookes: How is that possible? Dr. Keegan: ...It was shaped like her head!! Mr. Brookes: This is a bunch of crap!! You are a gay, gay doctor, and you're not married! Where's your wedding band? Dr. Keegan: I lost it!! Mr. Brookes: No! Why can't you just be a man and admit it! Dr. Keegan: Awww! Kids these days- (the patient mocks Dr. Keegan) Mr. Brookes: "You try to be nice to them and they think you're gay, how insulting!" Same old story, blah,blah,blah! You've said that like four times already! Dr. Keegan: But Really! I can prove it! (he digs in his pockets and pulls out a note) Here's a note that my wife gave me earlier today! Here, read it for yourself. (he hands the patient the note, the patient reads it out loud) Mr. Brookes: Okay. (he reads) "Dear Sweetlips, don't forget to pick up some strawberries and whip cream for that delicious angel food cake that I am preparing for your beloved birthday. P.S., get plenty of it, wink, wink. Love your Sugerbun, Ralph." RALPH???!! Dr. Keegan: See there! Mr. Brookes: Your wife's name is Ralph?! Dr. Keegan: ...Well...yea! ...She's...from Germany!! But that's not the point! I'm not gay, I just proved it! You lose! Mr. Brookes: Wow...um..I am so sorry, Dr. Keegan. (he looks stunned as he gives the doctor his note back) I'm so sorry. I can't beleive I was wrong! Dr. Keegan: Ha ha! In your face!!! Mr. Brookes: I guess I got the wrong impression. I feel so stupid! I truly am sorry, man. Dr. Keegan: It's quite alright, really. You're not the first person to assume that! Mr. Brookes: I'm not? Dr. Keegan: Heck no! But...all is well. Mr. Brookes: Wow! Well...thanks for the checkup! (he begins to leave) And...I appreciate how much you care for your patients. You're a great doctor. Dr. Keegan: Thanks! (patient opens the door) But first...just to show you that there are no hard feelings... Mr. Brookes: Yea, what's up? Dr. Keegan: ...I would like to tell you a joke I just heard. Mr. Brookes: Okay. Dr. Keegan: Well, there are these two penguins walking in the desert, one big and one little, and the little penguin said to the big penguin "Man, I'm thirsty". So the Big penguin says to the little one "What do I look like? A pickle?" HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! (they both laugh) Isn't that funny?! Mr. Brookes: Ha ha ha!!! That was a cute joke!! Well I guess I'll be going- Dr. Keegan- Wait Mr. Brookes, I've got another one for you...and this one...is even better than the first! Mr. Brookes: Really? Cool! Go ahead, shoot! Dr. Keegan: Okay! Well...turn around. Mr. Brookes: ....Okay. (he turns around) Dr. Keegan: Okay, great! Now...bend over! Mr. Brookes- What? Dr. Keegan: Go on! It's gonna be great!! Mr. Brookes: Well...alright. (he bends over, the doctor walks up right behind him) Dr. Keegan: Great! Now...spell the word 'Run'!! Mr. Brookes: Uh..okay. R...U...N. Dr. Keegan: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA AHHA HAHA!!!!!!! THAT WAS GREAT!!! (the patient realises what it meant and stands upright quickly) Mr. Brookes: You ARE gay!!!! Dr. Keegan: Are you kiddin'??! I'm gayer than Liberce at a "Wham!" concert!! Mr. Brookes: I'm outta' here!!! (he runs out of the room, the doctor follows) Dr. Keegan: Come back anytime!! I'll Introduce you to Ralph!!! (he walks back to his desk, turns the cd player on. "Charma Chameleon" plays. He sits it his chair) I love my job! (fades to black) Rate or review this sketch. |
