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Angela Stevens.....Amy Poehler Mrs. McDaniels.....Ana Gasteyer Carla Peterson.....Rachel Dratch Ronald Lauder.....Drew Carey Unemployed Bum.....Horatio Sanz Security Guard.....Tracy Morgan [ open on Angela Stevens' desk at the downtown Job Placement Office ] Angela Stevens: Alright, Mrs. Daniels, just go to the Head of Administration's office on the third floor of the McKinley Building, tell him you were referred by us, then return there Monday morning to start working. Alright? Mrs. McDaniels: Wonderful! Thank you so much, Miss Stevens. Angela Stevens: Hey, that's what we're here for. If you need a job, we find you a job. Mrs. McDaniels: I am so excited about my new job. Thanks again. [ exits ] Angela Stevens: Goodbye now. [ turning to the desk behind her ] Carla, do I have any more appointments today? Carla Peterson: Yes, as a matter of fact there's a Mr. Ronald Lauder here to see you about finding a job. Angela Stevens: [ sipping from a water bottle ] Oh, boy, when does it end? All these people out of work looking to us to find them some work. Carla Peterson: I'm telling you. I could have sworn places like Taco Bell and Burger King were always hiring. So, why are they turning to us? Angela Stevens: Damn, this country and its compassion for higher dreams from lower individuals. Let's see what this Ronald Lauder fellow wants. [ picks up phone, speaks into intercom ] Mr. Ronald Lauder. Ronald Lauder to Desk 5. Mr. Ronald Lauder. Ronald Lauder: [ approaching ] Good afternoon. I'm Ronald Lauder. [ extends hand ] Angela Stevens: Okay. Sit down, Mr. Lauder. I understand you're looking for a job? Ronald Lauder: [ sitting ] Yes, that's right, ma'am. Angela Stevens: Alright, we'll find you a job, sir. Let me look through my Rolodex here.. [ flips Rolodex ] Let's see.. what previous job experience do you have, Mr. Lauder? Ronald Lauder: Before I was laid off, I was working as an administrative assistant for a law firm. Angela Stevens: So you were working for some big balls, then? Ronald Lauder: Uh.. yes, figuratively speaking. Angela Stevens: Well, I'll tell you right now, Mr. Lauder - we don't have any administrative positions available at this time. We have jobs - maybe not the exact job you're looking for - but we do have jobs for people wanting some kind of work. Ronald Lauder: Well, if you don't have any available jobs that will fulfill my previous work experience, then what else do you have, Mrs. Stevens? Angela Stevens: We've got a little of this, a little of that.. [ flips Rolodex ] Let me ask you something.. you don't have a problem working with midgets, do you? Ronald Lauder: Um.. in what capacity? Angela Stevens: Like, shooting them out of a cannon at the circus, that sort of thing. Ronald Lauder: Well, I happen to think that's a gross misinterpretation of who I am. Angela Stevens: Sure, sure.. everyone wants to find a job in their field of education. That's not always possible, but alright - it's your life. If you don't want to work in a circus, that's fine. But just remember - unemployment benefits don't last forever. Ronald Lauder: I'm aware of that, ma'am, I.. Angela Stevens: Mark my words - when your benefits run out, you'll be begging me for that circus job. But you know what? It won't still be available. Someone else will be shooting those midgets out of the cannon - but you know better. So, let's see what else we have in our database.. [ looks through her computer ] Are you good at sales? Are you in any way persuasive? Ronald Lauder: Well, I.. I'm not very confident in that area, but.. Angela Stevens: No confidence! Oh! Well, we have plenty jobs for unconfident people! I'm sure we can set you up in a gas station somewhere. Ronald Lauder: I'm not interested in working in a gas station. Angela Stevens: Oh, so you're picky, too? Fine! Let's just be a bum, then! We'll stand in the streets and beg for money in a little tin cup - would that suit you better? Ronald Lauder: Okay, I'm sorry. Angela Stevens: Yes, you should be. You may be out of work, but I have plenty of work to do here. Do you know that Arthur Andersen calls me ten times a day? Some people are willing to take whatever work they can get. Ronald Lauder: Alright. What else do you have? Angela Stevens: Hmm.. let me think what work you might be willing to do, based upon your previous work experience.. [ an unemployed bum staggers towards the desk ] Unemployed Bum: You got any jobs today..? Angela Stevens: Excuse me - I've asked you not to break into line here. Everyone will get their turn! Unemployed Bum: I didn't know if they had changed the rules since I'd been here. I've been sick at home.. [ sneezes into his hand ] Angela Stevens: Sir, I'm asking you to go wait in the lobby. [ turning around ] Carla, you want to help me over here? Carla Peterson: [ frowning ] Hey, he's your head case, Angela, not mine. Angela Stevens: Well, thanks a lot. [ Security Guard approaches ] Security Guard: [ grabs unemployed bum ] Let's go, guy. Lobby's this way. Unemployed Bum: The job market's so scarce.. [ coughs ] Security Guard: We want you working somewhere, too, buddy - somewhere far, far away. Come on! [ Security Guard exits with unemployed man ] Angela Stevens: Thanks, Roger! So, where were we, Mr. Lauder? Previous work experience, right? Ronald Lauder: Yes, that's correct. Angela Stevens: Okay, let me ask you this - are you willing to take temporary work as a busboy for an elegant seafood restaurant in town, until I can find you something that leans more towards your field? Ronald Lauder: I don't know, Mrs. Stevens.. Angela Stevens: Look - it's work! And you'll make good tips at this place, I promise you. In the meantime, it's the best I can do. I shouldn't even give you this, but you're a professional businessman in a slump, so I'm willing to help you get back on your feet one step at a time. Now, I have your home number.. as soon as an administrative position opens up, I'll give you a call, and you can quit the restaurant. But for now, $6.15 an hour is the best I can do for you - take it or leave it. Ronald Lauder: You'll call me the minute something better becomes available? Angela Stevens: You have my word. Ronald Lauder: Alright, I'll take it - for now. Angela Stevens: Believe me, you could do so much worse. [ grabbing forms on desk ] Now, take these forms to the Blue Lobster restaurant on Route 101, tell Mr. Jacoby than Angela Stevens from Job Services sent you, and there shouldn't be any problems. If you have any questions, just call me. Ronald Lauder: [ unsure but desperate, takes the forms ] Alright. Thank you, Mrs. Stevens. Please call me if anything better surfaces. [ stands ] Angela Stevens: I certainly will. Goodbye. Ronald Lauder: Goodbye. [ waves and walks off ] Angela Stevens: [ takes swig from water bottle, turns to face Carla ] He won't last a week in that place. Carla Peterson: You'll take your two-week vacation before he returns? Angela Stevens: Just so I can see him and the other idiots sweating when I get back. Carla Peterson: I love hating my job! Angela Stevens: Me, too! [ scene fades to black as Angela and Carla laugh at themselves ] Rate or review this sketch. |
