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Dan Klein...Jeff Richards Driver...Seth Meyers Customer...Chris Parnell (FADE UP ON A GUY WAITING FOR HIS PACKAGE) Customer: ...Man, what the hell is taking that package so long to get here? I thought UPS was the fastest service around... ("DAN KLEIN" INTERJECTS) Dan Klein: (OFFSTAGE) You thought wrong! (STEPS ONTO SCENE) Sure, in comparison, UPS is better than FedEx or even the postal service. But say your in some sort of hurry, and you need a package immediately...That's when you call on us, "Klein Deliveries". (CUT TO KLEIN IN AN OFFICE) Hi, I'm Dan Klein, president of "Klein Deliveries". Now there's no doubt that you want a package "Absolutly, Positively Overnight." But say you need that special package "Absolutly, Positively Right Now", that's when you call on "Klein". As a matter of fact, if you sent a package with us instead of the other guys, you could have it in half the time. How can we do that you might ask? Let me show you... (CUT TO A GARAGE FULL OF DELIVERY TRUCKS) Since we have just started out as a delivery service, we kind of lacked the money to do any signifigant things to our trucks. Basically, what we're saying is that we're faster than anyone else, because we couldn't afford brakes in 95% of our trucks. That's why our motto is that "We just keep rolling along"... (CUT TO A SHOT OF AN OUT OF CONTROL DRIVER) Driver: Dear God! How do you stop this thing?!? AHHHHHHH!!! (TRUCK BREAKS THROUGH A TOLL BOOTH GATE.) (MONTAGE OF THE TRUCK CRASHING AND SKIDDING THROUGH VARIOUS OBSTACLES. MUSIC: THE TUNE OF "OLD MAN RIVER") "Klein Deliveries", that's "Klein Deliveries." We keep on moving, to get your package, to your location. Cause "We Keep Rolling Along!" (RETURN TO SHOT OF CUSTOMER WAITING FOR HIS PACKAGE.) Customer: Hey here comes the "Klein Deliveries" truck! Over Here! Driver: (HEAD POKES OUT OF THE TRUCK) Are You Mr. Jacobs?!? Customer: Yes! Driver: Catch This! (DRIVER CHUCKS PACKAGE AT CUSTOMER, CUSTOMER CATCHES PACKAGE.) Customer: What do I owe you?! Driver: $4.50!!! (CUSTOMER IS HOLDING MONEY IN HIS HAND, THE DRIVER GETS THE MONEY WHILE THE TRUCK IS STILL GOING.) Driver: Thank You! Uh-oh...(REALIZING THAT HE IS ABOUT TO CRASH INTO A BUILDING.) AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (TRUCK CRASHES, DAN KLEIN IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE BUILDING.) Dan Klein: See, no matter where the package goes, our skilled deliverymen always manages to return to HQ... (DRIVER SEEN GETTING OUT OF WRECKED VEHICLE) Driver: (STRAINED VOICE) Don't worry about me, I'm fine! (PASSES OUT) Dan Klein: So remember, if you want to wait for your package, that's one thing. But if you want your package now, stick with "Klein Deliveries". Because... (CUT TO A SHOT OF A TRUCK MOVING AT TOP SPEED DOWN A ROAD, AND OFF A CLIFF. SONG CONCLUDES.) "We just keep roll-ing a-long!" Announcer: (SUPER) "Klein Deliveries", "We just Keep Rolling along." Now accepting Hollywood Stuntmen. (FADE OUT TO "EMPIRE STATE BUILDING" BUMPER.) Rate or review this sketch. |
