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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey .....Norm MacDonald V/O: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey. Tina Fey: Hi, I'm Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: And I'm Jimmy Fallon, and here are tonight's top stories. 
Jimmy Fallon: The Bush administration's task force on corporate fraud met for the first time Friday at the Justice Department with Attorney General John Ashcroft in attendance, according to a U.S. official. Interrupting Ashcroft, Bush said, "Woah, wait a second. No one told me not to color outside the lines."
Jimmy Fallon: Investors struggled to find a direction Thursday following a three-day selloff that saw the Dow industrials fall below the 9,000 level and sent the rest of the market to levels not seen since in five years. These stocks are going down faster than John Ritter's career. No, I'm just kidding. He comes to the show each week cause he has nothing better to do. Tina Fey: Los Angeles Lakers' star Shaquille O'Neal has met with executives from the major networks to pitch a one-hour drama that he would executive produce, the trade newspaper Variety reported Tuesday. Shaq said this is all part of his plan to tear CBS in half. 
Jimmy Fallon: "I swear man, I just cupped her breasts like this…"
Tina Fey: Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton have collaborated again by going to court because a photograph was released that showed the two at a very early stage in their life they thought it was inappropriate. More inappropriate? Sharpton said that the puzzle was "an outrage." 
Tina Fey: A dozen House committees have completed work on the new Homeland Security Department President Bush wants, leaving it to a special House panel to put together one bill that reconciles some major differences with the president on the future role of such agencies as the Coast Guard and the INS. Bush then went on to question what "INS" stand for.
Jimmy Fallon: "You got beef? Bring it."
Jimmy Fallon: Tens of thousands of pro-British loyalists marched in parades across Northern Ireland on Friday as police confiscated stashes of crude weapons and warned of possible confrontations later in the evening. In response, the loyalists said, "Oh no, we thought this was a drinking contest!" 
Tina Fey: "Jeez, I wonder if my wife knows I masterbate."
Tina Fey: Singer George Michael believes his life would be in danger if he returned to the United States following an outburst of anger there over his latest single which ridicules the U.S.-led "war on terror," to which the US has responded, "No, you need to fear because of 'Faith'." [comments to Jimmy] Jeez, our audience needs to brush up on their George Michael albums. 
Jimmy Fallon: Malaysia has banned the video of a concert by Australian pop sensation Kylie Minogue, officials said on Friday. Apparently, the video wasn't graphic enough.
Tina Fey: Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill asked a special House committee Thursday not to let resistance to change block creation of the Homeland Defense Department that President Bush wants. O'Neill said, "We need to do this because Rumsfeld is gonna need it the next time he breaks his arm from masterbating." Jimmy Fallon: Indian police said on Friday they had arrested two men in Calcutta accused of selling bottles of cow urine mixed with cow dung and claiming they were cures for AIDS, cancer and tuberculosis. Wow, I couldn't even think for a punchline for that one. Jimmy Fallon: "Puppetry of the Penis," the hit from Off Broadway and the West End, will make its West Coast debut at the Coronet Theater in Los Angeles on Aug. 13. Also making its debut that weekend? Martin Landau's testicles. Tina Fey: Well as we all know, David Hasselhoff checked himself into the Betty Ford clinic this week. Here now with an editorial, and after days of dragging him to NBC, Norm MacDonald everyone! Norm MacDonald: [loud applause] Well, Hey there Tina. How are you this evening? [Tina nods] That's good. Well, I guess some of you may have heard about longtime German Sensation David Hasselhoff checking himself into the Betty Ford Clinic this week. From what I can gather, he was drawn by a worker there who thought it may be a good idea for him to go there. The worker knew a celebrity who previously checked them in there. Oh, by the way, Marion Barry smokes crack. Anyways, apparently the celebrity has had a pretty crappy career; movies and TV pilots sucked, his marriage sucked. Yea, it was Tom Arnold. So now, he gets checked in. Apparently Tom found out about it through one of his friends that works for the government, who in turn, knows the German ambassador, who knows the German president. Now, while not proving, this does nothing to disprove my time - tested theory: GERMANS LOVE DAVID HASSELHOFF. Thanks everyone, and oh yea, Don Ohlmeyer is an asshole! Tina Fey: Norm MacDonald everyone! [standing ovation] Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. [fade out to Norm holding a poster with Frank Stallone pictured on it] Rate or review this sketch. |
