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Harry Smith.....Jeff Richards James Traficant.....Darrel Hammond Howard Berman.....Chris Parnell Zoë Lofgren.....Tina Fey Gary Condit.....Jimmy Fallon Stoner #1.....Horatio Sanz Stoner #2.....Tracy Morgan Al Pacino.....Chris Kattan (Fade in) (Scene shows “The A & E Biography Logo”) (Scene shows clips of Traficant on Capital Hill) Harry Smith: (voice over) James A. Traficant, Junior, a man who was known for being a shoot from the hip, very opinioned representative from Ohio”. But now, because of his actions, he is no longer a representative of Ohio. Tonight, we biography this legendary jackass! (Fade in to Harry Smith sitting on a stool on the Biography stage) Harry Smith: James Traficant, was a man who probably never thought before speaking. The democratic representative from Ohio probably never realized that his actions would get him expelled from the House of Representatives but he knows that know. James Traficant: (Yelling into camera) look at me for crying out loud! (Turns to his intern off camera) Are you laughing at me? Shut your fat face you little NYU bitch! Harry Smith: A little unknown fact about this expulsion of James Traficant. In its 213-year history, the House has expelled just four members, including three who were charged with treason during the Civil War. (Turns to speak into the other camera) Now, here are just a few comments from some of his good friends and some people who are not really his friends... Howard Berman: I believe that James Traficant is a bad, bad man. He has never done one reasonable thing in his 9 terms. I am really glad to see him go. Zoë Lofgren: He traded his official office and powers repeatedly for money, for labor, for equipment at his farm. I have tasted some of his crops...they taste like crap! (Laughs) Gary Condit: Hello, my name is Gary Condit, from California. Wait, What? (pause) You know what? Get that goddamn camera out of my face! I’ve got nothing to say to you. Harry Smith: Interestingly enough, it was reported that Gary Condit was the only member of the House to vote in favor for Traficant. (Turns to speak to other camera) Many people wonder whose going to take Traficant’s seat in the House. It has been reported that former Cleveland Browns quarterback Bernie Koser and star of his own ABC sitcom Drew Carey are both fighting for the seat. Koser says he is running under the campaign, “I will not get sacked a million times and say nothing about it, again!” Drew Carey says that he is running under the campaign, “CLEVELAND ROCKS!” A lot has been said about Traficant’s appearance. Many have joked that Traficant has used a "Weed Whacker" to cut his hair. However The Rev. Al Sharpton has made several comments to him about what Traficant uses to “puff-out” his rug. Also, Sharpton has given Traficant props on his sense of dress. Of course, Sharpton is referring to Traficant’s 1970’s-style bell-bottom trousers. With a comment on Traficant’s appearance are a couple of college stoners... (Scene change to a recorded clip of a Jarret’s Room-like setting) Stoner #1: Wow, man...that guy looks like he has like this rat thing on his head. Stoner #2: I know man…like the other day I was flippin’ through the channels on the “TIVO” and that dude was on and he was swearing at a bunch of people. I thought like someone was interviewing Johnny Rotten or something. (Both the stoners start laughing for no reason) (Scene switches back to Biography set) Harry Smith: Well, this has been another eventful evening here on Biography. Catch us tomorrow night when we profile actor Al Pacino. Here’s a clip... (Scene switched to Al Pacino standing in the middle of a street) Al Pacino: (Yells into camera) Whooooooo Haaaaaaaaaa!!! (Scene switches to A & E Biography Logo) Harry Smith: (voice over) This has been Biography. Good Night. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch. |
