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Agent Fritz.....Horatio Sanz Agent Cianfrocco.....Jimmy Kimmel Officer Burns.....Jeff Richards Officer Coles.....Tracy Morgan Hooker.....Maya Rudolph Wanted Criminal.....Jim Downey Pedestrian.....Chris Parnell [ Music intro: "Bad Boys" by Inner Circle ] [ COPS logo appears on screen ] [ As intro music plays, show COPS slamming an old man down onto the hood of a squad car, then one of the COPS intervenes and handcuffs the abusive officer ] Announcer: COPS is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. [ SUPER: Inglewood, California ] [ SUPER: Agents Carlton Fritz and Rocky Cianfrocco, Inglewood P.D.P.D. ] [ Two cops are in a squad car, cruising through the mean-looking streets of Inglewood behind another police car ] Agent Fritz: We're really enjoying this new job. When the Inglewood police officers assaulted that poor teenage boy a few weeks ago, the mayor flipped out and hired us. We're part of the new organization here... the Inglewood Police Department Police Department. We're here to see to it that cops in this city don't break the law in the process of apprehending a suspect. We also make sure the officers aren't doing anything illegal in the line of duty. Agent Cianfrocco: Yup. And that's our job. We only bust cops. If a little old lady gets mugged on her way home and we're right across the street, tough crap. That's the PD's job, not ours. We're in for a busy night, because we're following the squad car of officers Terrell Coles and Dexter Burns. Those two have been involved in many things, plus they were witnesses to the beating incident. [ SUPER: 12:43 AM - Prostitute Trap Attempt ] Agent Cianfrocco: Well, as you can see, the officers are setting up a prostitution trap. Our girl's out there right now. Agent Fritz: And she's gonna try to nail that one weasel in the utility van over there. He has a few outstanding warrants. Looks like Officer Coles is in the car down the street, while Officer Burns is watching from around the corner there. [ show Hooker going up to the wanted criminal in the van ] Hooker: Hey honey. Wanted Criminal: Hey hey! You look gorgeous. How much? Hooker: You want the works? Wanted Criminal: Yeah! Hooker: Got a hundred bucks? Wanted Criminal: You bet. Is anal extra or included? Hooker: [ disgusted ] Uh... extra. Actually, it might take more than a hundred bucks, honey, because that guy down the street just offered me 150 for everything. Wanted Criminal: Which one? Hooker: The one down there wearing the badge. See? He's right by the corner over there. [ Officer Burns waves ] Wanted Criminal: Forget it. [ the van takes off, but the officers don't follow it ] [ The hooker walks over to Officer Burns, who puts some bills down her panties; they embrace and start making out ] [ cut to inside the PDPD car ] Officer Burns: He's busted, let's go! [ Agents Fritz and Cianfrocco and the cameraman get out of the car; the agents separate the two and tackle Officer Burns ] Agent Cianfrocco: Hands behind your back, officer! Officer Burns: What the [ bleep ]?! Agent Fritz: You have the right to remain silent, Burns! Agent Cianfrocco: You're under arrest for soliciting a prostitute that is also a cop... wait, so you're also under arrest for fraternizing with another police officer, and for violating her panty-space with crusty dollar bills. Let's go, you're a disgrace to the department and your community. Agent Fritz: Nice work, Miranda. Hooker: Thanks for bailing me out. Those dollar bills sure scratched me down there. [ Agent Fritz takes Officer Burns to the police car and throws him in there; meanwhile, Agent Cianfrocco walks over to Officer Coles' squad car and taps on the window ] Agent Cianfrocco: Hey, Coles. Can ya roll down your window? [ Coles rolls the window down ] Alright, Coles, here's the deal, we busted Burns because he solicited Miranda, can you believe that... [ clouds of smoke pour out of the window and into the night air; Officer Coles looks out the window with a joint in his hand ] Officer Coles: [ mumbling and high ] Say whaat, jive man? Miranda, she one fine-ass ho, you know wha' I'm saayin... damn Burnsie be gittin' his ho on like a mutha- [ bleep ]. Keep it real, dawg! Agent Cianfrocco: Mr. Coles, step out of the vehicle. Now! [ Officer Coles steps out of the car; a pedestrian walks by and Officer Coles immediately tackles the pedestrian ] Officer Coles: Don't you move, you [ bleep bleep ] ! Yo ass under arrest fo' pissin me off! [ punches the pedestrian once ] Pedestrian: [ crying ] Oh my God, I was just walking home from the AM-PM, I didn't steal anything! Agent Cianfrocco: That's it, Coles, dammit! [ grabs Coles and slams him against the hood of the squad car twice ] He did absolutely nothing, you moron. [ slaps Coles upside the head, then takes out radio ] Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, we need a paramedic on Prairie and 105th, on the double. Agent Fritz: [ approaching the scene ] Weed, huh? [ looks in car ] There's more than weed in here. [ show back of car, which is filled with large bricks of marijuana ] What, were you headed out to Mexico after you clock out, there? Officer Coles: [ still high ] Bein' a mofo on the run, y'know wha' I'm sayin'? [ sings ] Bad as a mutha, all the women luva cuz they just wanna piece of tha undercova brutha... Agent Cianfrocco: We've had enough of you. I'm gonna read you your rights, since you've forgotten them because of your inebriation. You have the right to remain silent... Officer Coles: SILENT! Oh, snap... silencio, bro-bro... Agent Cianfrocco: SHUT UP! Anything you say or do can be used against you in a court of law, especially gangster expletives. So no more capping foos up in their asscracks like straight balling homies, or whatever you say. You have the right to an attorney- Officer Coles: ...and if I ain't got da greens to afford one, y'all lemme git one an' I'll hit you'z back wit' it on the flipside. Agent Fritz: Uh... sure. Do you understand your rights? Officer Coles: [ hesitating ] Uh... ... ... NO! Ha-haa-haaaah! [ laughs obnoxiously ] Agent Fritz: That's because you're high. Get your ass over here, you're going down to the station. [ The agents lead Coles to the PDPD patrol car ] [ cut to Agent Fritz driving ] Agent Fritz: This is the kind of corruption that's hit the Inglewood Police Department. The journalists haven't really found out how bad it's gotten. This goes beyond just senseless beatings of completely random individuals. If a black suspect is caught by a white officer in this department, the suspect should prepare to get his ass whooped on all night long. And vice versa with a black officer and a white suspect. By ridding the force of these crooked cops, we can do our job better and the Department can become less corrupt than it already is right now. [ COPS goes to commercial, cue "Bad Boys" chorus ] Rate or review this sketch. |
