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Phil Donahue...Darrell Hammond Pat Buchanan...Jimmy Kimmel Martha Stewart...Ana Gasteyer (CUE VARIOUS GRAPHICS OF MSNBC AND PHIL DONAHUE. CUE NEWS-ISH MUSIC) Announcer: The most outspoken man in talk, has come back to television. But more importantly, to "America's News Channel": MSNBC! Phil Donahue has a new show on this network at 8/7 Central, and is going to give Bill O'Reilly a run for his money... (CUT TO SHOT OF "DONAHUE" SITTING AT DESK.) Phil Donahue: Hi, I'm Phil Donahue, and I'm back in the saddle of this horse...called...the media. I'll be here every night to tackle whatever issue is headed...my...way. (CUT TO AN INTERVIEW WITH PAT BUCHANAN) Phil Donahue: Pat, my dear good man, you agree with some of the opposition, that the "Pledge of Allegiance" is un...con...stitutional. Pat Buchanan: Yes I do, I'm a firm believer in the separation of church and state. And this includes our own pledge. Phil Donahue: But picture this if...you...will. We live in a society whether if you're a good man, or a bad man, you still love America. Then, you see these imported cars come in from all the corners of the globe. And all of a sudden, you see a new chocolate flavored soda that come all the way from Zimbabwe, and I mean come on! (BUCHANAN HAS A PUZZLED LOOK ON HIS FACE) Pat Buchanan: Wait, what the hell did you just say? (CUT BACK TO PROMO) Announcer: The man who revolutionized the concept of the Talk Show, is back! And Just like before, he promises that it will be no holds barred... (CUT TO INTERVIEW WITH MARTHA STEWART) Phil Donahue: Now, Martha...You have been charged with a number...of serious...crimes. Martha Stewart: Well, that's what the press has been saying about me. Frankly, I don't belive in the press, I think they are hideous monsters like the ones I make every Halloween out of twigs, leaves and Pumpkin shells. Phil Donahue: But why don't you tell that to the people who fondly believe in your easily crafted web of lies...and...deceit. Martha Stewart: I don't know what you're talking about! Phil Donahue: Let's face it, we all can't hide behind...the curtain...forever. We all enjoy our little bits of free spending power whenever we get it, but sooner or later it get's to your head. And all of a sudden, you "like to buy the world a Coke" among other things, and I mean Hello! Martha Stewart: (BREAKS DOWN CRYING) ALL RIGHT, I DID IT! I was tipped off about "Imclone"! I mean, isn't money and greed a "good thing" anymore? (SOBS) Phil Donahue: And?... Martha Stewart: ...I was born under the name David Harris, OK! (BLUBBERING) (CUT BACK TO PROMO) Announcer: Phil Donahue, putting people on the spot like he used to... (CUT TO BACK TO INTERVIEW WITH PAT BUCHANAN) Phil Donahue: Now, Pat... Do you plan to run for President again, and if so, which party will... you...stick with. Pat Buchanan: Well, I'm sure it's a sucker's bet to do so again, but if I were to run for President, I would revert back to the Republican party. Phil Donahue: Oh, I see it all...now. "The Little Engine that Could" "Thinks he can" find a way to get into the highest seat in our land. When all of a sudden, he discovers that "Pop-Tarts" can be used as a floatation device if they're pieced together properly, and I.... Pat Buchanan: (INTERJECTS) Oh Phil, would you Shut Up! God, I'd rather be helping out the homeless than to listen to you! Ugh, God! (CUT BACK TO PROMO) Announcer: So be sure to catch the all new "Donahue". Weeknights at 8/7 Central on "America's News Channel": MSNBC. We may be in 3rd place in Cable News, but we can still swallow whatever pride we have left in us. (FADE OUT) Rate or review this sketch. |
