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Curious Customer.....Seth Meyers Owner.....Horatio Sanz Rosie.....Dean Edwards Willie.....Tracy Morgan Johnson.....Jimmy Kimmel Nervous Customer.....Chris Parnell Oral Sex Customer.....Jeff Richards [ open on exterior, Masturbatorium, sign on window reads: "Masturbation, Open 24 Hours A Day" ] [ dissolve to interior, as Curious Customer enters and approaches counter ] Owner: Yes, can I help you? Curious Customer: Uh.. maybe. I walk by this place every day, but I've always been too shy to come in. Owner: Wellll.. [ chuckling ] If you've walked the walk, then it's time to talk the talk! Curious Customer: So, how does this work? Is there a back room with magazines? It is do-it-yourself, isn't it? Owner: No way, dude! You sit back and relax, and our guy will make all your fantasies come true. Curious Customer: Oh, wow, there's a guy? This sounds great! Owner: [ calling out ] Rosie! Come give this guy a hand! [ Rosie approaches counter, reaches behind to grab a jar of petroleum jelly before facing Curious Customer ] Rosie: Just to let you know - I'll be expecting a tip when I'm finished. Curious Customer: [ suddenly timid ] This isn't going to hurt, is it? Rosie: Oh, that'll cost extra! Curious Customer: Look - can I just do this for myself? I know the routine! I just figured you guys had better magazines, that's all. Rosie: Come on, slug - time to pay the piper. [ pulls Curious Customer to back room ] Curious Customer: [ apprehensive ] Someone please notify my next-of-kin.. Owner: Don't worry. We should be seeing them in about fifteen minutes. [ Willie enters ] Willie: Hey, Turk, what's happenin'! Owner: Willie, my man! You back again so soon? Willie: Hey, man, until I find a nice girl to settle down with, I don't want to catch no jack from a ho! Owner: You're in good hands with us. Willie: Well, just make sure those hands are clean, 'cause I know you guys be touching a lot of worms all day. Owner: Hey, no flies on you, Willie. Willie: Alright, then. Owner: Let me get my best hired hand out here. [ buzzes intercom ] Johnson, you're needed up front! [ Johnson enters from back room ] Johnson: Yeah, Boss? Owner: I want you to take Willie to the game room for a little Backstroke Roulette. Johnson: It's been a long day, Willie? Willie: It's about to get longer! You know what I mean! Johnson: Okay, well why don't we toss the boss, and go to Room 5. Willie: I'm right behind you! [ cut to Game Room, as Johnson enters with Willie. Johnson turns to sink to wash his hands, as Willie drops his pants out of camera view ] Johnson: Well, I see you're ready. Willie: Come on, man! Spank that black-faced monkey! Johnson: Alright, calm down. Don't pop a vein. [ looks down ] You've got quite a big dong there. I think you'd make a good candidate for our Member of the Month Award. Wilie: Hey, that sounds good to me - just don't show my face. Johnson: Don't worry - we'll only show your head. [ cut back to front counter, as Nervous Customer enters ] Nervous Customer: Hi. Owner: Can I help you? Nervous Customer: Yes.. uh.. Well, first, let me tell you why I'm here, so you don't think I'm some kind of a weirdo. I mean, I feel a little silly having to rely on someone else to do this for me, but.. well, maybe I'm just not pacing myself correctly. Owner: It's okay, we're help to help. Nervous Customer: I want to last longer! You've gotta believe me! Owner: Alright, man. Don't have a stroke. We're gonna fix you up. Nervous Customer: Oh, thank you.. Now, before I sign anything, this isn't going to show up as "Masturbate" on my credit card report, is it? Owner: We list it as "Handyman Services". Nervous Customer: That's fine. Just as long as it doesn't mention any of the tools being used. Owner: We're kind of short-handed right now. You don't mind going head-to-head with another customer, do you? Nervous Customer: Well.. Owner: Come on, we're all brothers here. Nervous Customer: Alright. I just don't want my wife to find out about this, it's embarrassing. Owner: Trust me - women don't want to come anywhere near this place. They'd rather stay at home to squeeze their peaches. Follow me. [ leads the way to Room 5 ] [ cut to Room 5, tight shot on Johnson and Willie, as the door opens from behind ] Owner: Johnson, I need you to work two jerks at once. Johnson: Why can't one of the other guys handle it? Owner: We're short-handed. That new Chinese guy called in sick. Johnson: Who, Wang? What is with that guy? He calls in sick every other day! Owner: He's got that problem with his blood sugar - some days Wang is up, some days Wang is down. Johnson: Well, what about Jack? Owner: Off. Jury duty. Johnson: [ shakes head ] Alright. Masturbating two guys at once violates my code of ethics, but if that's the stamina required of me - alright. [ Owner exits room and closes door ] [ Nervous Customer stands next to Willie and drops his pants off-camera. Nervous Customer and Willie have their backs to the camera, as Johnson faces camera. Johnson stretches out his hands to each customer, and begins to stroke at an even pace. ] Willie: [ begins to snicker, receiving a dirty stare from Johnson ] Man, I don't mean to laugh. But watching you going at it with the both of us at once is like watching a farmer milk a cow! Johnson: Well, let me know when you're ready to go, and I'll pour you a glass of sweet goodness. Willie: Aw, man, that's nasty! Can I shake your hand? Johnson: If you don't mind where it's been. Willie: Hey, man, you not touching anywhere I haven't already touched! [ Nervous Customer has been moaning relentlessly throughout the conversation, and can finally hold it in no longer ] Nervous Customer: [ makes orgasm sound, as Johnson flinches ] Johnson: Hey, man! You're supposed to give a three-second warning before you do that! Nervous Customer: [ weeping ] I don't know what's wrong with me! I can't hold my semen! Willie: Man, you just got to think about baseball! But forget about hitting a home run - you just want to bunt the ball and go for a short walk! One base at a time, instead of sliding into Home Plate all at once! Nervous Customer: [ to Johnson ] Please don't tell my wife about this! Willie: Man, I think I've had enough, too. I can't think about vaginas, having seen this dude shoot his wad too early. [ cut to Front Counter, as Oral Sex Customer enters ] Oral Sex Customer: I've heard a lot of good things about this place, but, see, I can masturbate at home. My hand doesn't get too tired, and I've still got most of my natural hair. What I was wondering is, can one of your guys give me some oral satisfaction? Owner: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave! We don't run that kind of place! Oral Sex Customer: Just a few puffs! Owner: Get out! [ Delivery Boy enters, carrying a large box ] Delivery Boy: Special Delivery from Adam & Eve. [ places package on counter ] Owner: [ eyes grow wide ] Is that what I think it is?! [ tears package open and pulls out numerous mechanical vaginas and cock rings ] Ohhhh, yes. This is going to revolutionize my business forever! [ Rosie and Curious Customer re-enter ] Curious Customer: Thank you, it was great! I'll be back tomorrow! Rosie: [ waving as Curious Customer exits ] Can't wait to see you! Owner: Oh.. maybe not. Rosie: What's that, Turk? Owner: Hold on, let me get Johnson out here first. [ Johnson enters with Willie and Nervous Customer in tow ] Johnson: Hey, Boss, can you schedule Willie for a two o'clock tomorrow afternoon? We've got some unfinished business to take care of. Owner: There's not going to be any tomorrow for you and Rosie. I just received my shipment of mechanical vaginas and cock rings - this is going to cut out the middle man around here. I'm letting you two go. Rosie: No! Johnson: Hey, come on, Boss! Have you checked the Want Ads lately? There's not a lot of opportunities for professional masturbators! I went to community college to train for this field! Owner: [ rummages through box ] Here.. have a free cock ring. Now, get out of here! Both of you! Rosie: Let's go, man. Johnson: Yeah, yeah.. I'm coming. [ Oral Sex Customer approaches Johnson ] Oral Sex Customer: Hey, listen.. I'm really desperate for oral sex. I'll give you $10 if you blow me. Johnson: [ thinking ] Ah, what the hell. A job's a job. [ zoom out to fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
