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Maury......Jimmy Kimmel Bradford.....Jimmy Fallon Mallory.....Rachel Dratch J.D. .....Seth Myers Brandine.....Amy Poehler 'Maury' theme plays as the words "I Ain't The Mommy!" fly up on the screen. Maury is sitting on a long, cushioned bench next to Bradford, addressing the camera. Maury: Welcome. My guests on today's show have a problem: they're not sure if they are the real parents of their children. My first guest is Bradford. He says that his fiancee, Mallory, is refusing to accept the fact that she is the mother of their son, Benji. A video of Mallory wiggling her skimpy costumed self at the camera is shown. Maury: Bradford, welcome. First of all, may I ask, is Benji short for Benjamin? Bradford: Uh, no, actually. Short for the dog. Yeah, me and Mallory came up with the name after we got loaded in the back of her mom's '88 Seville. Maury: Oh. Uh... well, let's just see what Mallory has to say. (Video) Mallory looks down at the camera while she is on an unidentified New York City street. Mallory: Brad, I am 99.765 percent pos-i-tive I ain't the mother of that kid! (Mallory does a pole-dance on a streetlight and then scratches her butt on it) Mallory: Besides, you wouldn't've been able to make that child--you got a dangly nanner! Video fades out, Maury appears. Maury: Please welcome Mallory to the show. Mallory runs out from backstage, yelling things at the booing audience that have to be bleeped out. Her hands are blurred out as she throws them up. Mallory: Whateva! Whateva! You dun know me! You dun know me! Shooooot. Shooooot. Maury: Mallory... I must say, you seem pretty certain this child's not yours. Mallory: (Quietly) Well, Maury, I-- (shouting) You dun know me! Bradford: You have to excuse her, she has had Tourette's since she drank a Clorox bottle she filled with Bud Light. Mallory: Shooooot. That baby don't look like me! It don't look like me! Maury points to a picture of the baby that is being shown on the monitor behind them. It's a picture of a normal baby but with Rachel's head superimposed in place of the baby's. Mallory: Naw. Naw, it ain't mine. It ain't mine. Maury: Well, you took a maternity test before the show. We'll give you the results in a moment. But first, please meet J.D. J.D. looks into the camera as if he doesn't know what it is. Then he suddenly smiles and nervously waves at it. Maury: J.D., you are in much the same situation as Bradford, am I right? J.D.: Uh, uh, yeah. Yeah. Hey... you're that dude married to that Asian chick aren't ya? Maury: Um. Yes, you're referring to Connie, yes. J.D.: Hey, dude... just between you and me... has she ever parked it with another old dude? Heh...... 'cause that's what Brandine thinks I been doin'. Maury: She thinks you've been sleeping with middle-aged, graying men? J.D.: No! (Chuckles for a moment) No. No. She, uh, she thinks that I've been doin' it with our landlady and that the baby's hers. Maury: Well, here's what your wife, Brandine says. (Video) Brandine is dressed in a T-shirt reading "Love Goddess" that drapes down over her knees. She has one hi-heel on and one Elmo slipper, and is carrying a bottle of Stoli vodka. Brandine: J.D., you know that child ain't mine. You were prolly so busy workin' it with the landlady that your swim team flew over to me and got me swoller than Oprah in heat! Brandine drops her cigarette, and bending down to pick it up, causes the screen to go partially black as a censor's bar goes over the middle of the screen. Brandine: You just won't admit the fact this baby ain't mine. But the test ain't gonna lie, the test ain't gonna lie. Video fades out. Back to Maury. Maury: I don't see why we're doing this, but let's bring out Brandine! Brandine starts making her way down the stairs, but her one hi-heel breaks, causing her to slide down one side, bouncing everything the whole way down. Maury runs over to help her, but Brandine knocks him away, crawling to the bench. Maury: Welcome, Brandine. I-- Brandine: J.D. This child ain't mine. The test won't lie. The test won't lie. The test won't-- Mallory: Sperm stealer! Sperm stealer! Brandine: What?! Mallory: You dun know me! You dun know me! Maury futilely tries to calm the two women down, but somehow succeeds in getting them to sit back down. Maury: Now. I have here in my hands, the maternity test results. A graphic appears on the screen: "The Results ARE IN!" Brandine: Bring it on! Bring it on! Mallory: I ain't the mommy! No way. Maury: Mallory... with 99 percent certainty... you ARE the mother of your child. Mallory: What?! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Bradford: I told you! I told you! (Begins sobbing) You are the only one I dun 'da nasty with. You know that! I told you that before I met you, I was a virgin, and---oh! He suddenly realizes he's on camera, and runs offstage, while Mallory just sulks there. Maury: And Brandine... you... (he reads the paper over again) you are NOT the mother?! What the hell...? J.D. breaks down in tears, as Brandine jumps up, laughing and singing, shaking what her mother gave her, causing another black bar to be put across the screen. As Brandine continues jumping and laughing, she suddenly stops, takes a swig of vodka, throws it behind her, then looks hungrily at Maury. Brandine: Hey, Po-vich! How's about you and me go down to your Asian lady's house at get it ON with her till the break of day, huh? HUH?!?! She starts groping Maury's chest, as the host tries unsuccessfully to wriggle free. Maury: Uh, I'm sure Connie'd love to, but she's doing her show on CNN tonight, then she's staying the night at Wolf Blitzer's. Until next time, America! As the Maury logo appears on screen, Brandine jumps up on Maury and locks her legs around him. (Fade Out) (End) Rate or review this sketch. |
