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...Jimmy Kimmel Drill Sargent...Jay Leno Other soldiers...Extras Jimmy Kimmel: (ENTERS IN MILITARY FATIGUES) Great to be here! Thank's a lot! you know, a lot of people have been asking me things like "What's it like to be chosen to do a network show?" or "Are you up to the challenge?" And up until this month, the answer to that question was...No! See, Cable and Network TV are as different as the Republicans and Democrats, Hollywood and Burbank, "Hustler" and "Playboy". They are both very different and one side gets more attention than the other. That's why I had to prepare myself for Network TV, so I could feel comfortable about this show, let alone my new show...Coming this January on ABC after the "Super Bowl", by the way... (APPLAUSE) Yeah I know, what would a TV appearance be without a shameless plug to go with it? Anyway, this explains why I'm wearing these clothes. To prepare for the kind of onslaught that I would come to expect from Network TV, I had myself personally "institutionalized" at a special facility, that can help me better understand my new position. It's a little place outside of Bristol, Conneticut, and it's called "Camp YakYak", and I made a little video of my training experience there, and I figure that you might want to take a look... (CUT TO VIDEO OF JIMMY ENTERING THE CAMP VIA GUARDED GATE) (OFF STAGE) Now here I am about to enter the camp, this is just a little precaution that they have here, they check out everybody... Guard: Sorry pal, you've been on Cable TV, you have to enter through the "Other" entrance... (CUT TO A SHOT OF A SEWER PIPE W/ THE WORDS "ENTER" ON TOP.) Jimmy Kimmel: (OFF STAGE) As you can see, entering the facility was a little bit of a challenge. But, anything for a job. (CUT TO A SHOT OF PEOPLE IN MILITARY STYLE RANKS, A MAN IS YELLING AT THE "TROOP") OK, now the Drill Sargent is addressing me along with any Daytime, Cable or Early Morning Talk show hopefulls with words of encouragement.... Sarge: OK, Listen up you little wannabe media maggots! You wanna have your moment in the sun with 15 minute wonders?!?!? Troop: Sir, Yes Sir!!! Sarge: Then you must ask yourself, are you ready for talking with the utmost scum of the earth?!? Troop: Sir, Yes Sir! Sarge: I can't Hear you! Troop: SIR, YES SIR!!! (SARGE YELLING INDISTINCTLY) Jimmy Kimmel: (OFF STAGE) Sarge made us go through a number of standard techniques that any talk show host must posess. One of which included the "Lineup Test"... Sarge: Repeat after me, Soldiers! "We Have a Great show for you tonight"!... Troop: We Have a great show for you tonight!... Sarge: Dr. Joyce Brothers is here!... Troop: Dr. Joyce Brothers is here! Sarge: I can't hear you!!! Troop: DR. JOYCE BROTHERS IS HERE, SIR!!! Jimmy Kimmel: (OFF STAGE) We then had to endure the "Handshake Test"... Sarge: When your guest comes out on stage, you must make him or her feel welcome. You are going to shake this Novelty Hand the appropriate way, by casually approaching it, followed by three shakes maximum, And only three shakes Maximum. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!? Troop: SIR, YES SIR!!! (CUT TO A SERIES OF PEOPLE SHAKING THE HAND THE "RIGHT WAY") Sarge: Private Kimmel, you're up! (JIMMY SLAPS THE HAND WITH "FIVES", "FISTS", AND OTHER UNCONVENTIONAL WAYS. WHISTLE BLOWS.) Sarge: ...So, you think this whole facility is just a playground, huh private? Drop down and give me 5 introductions of the "house band". Jimmy Kimmel: "Ladies and Gentlemen, over there is my good friend Max Weinberg and the 'Max Weinberg 7'". "Ladies and...(OFF STAGE) Even the most unconventional training camps have their punishments... Anyway, this was just part of the training. After which, came a two part final exam. Part one was a monolouge joke that you had to deliver all by yourself, without the aide of Writers. This was to prove how talented you really were, when you went one on one with the audience... Sarge: Private Kimmel! (JIMMY APPROACHES THE STAGE) Sarge: About Face! (JIMMY FACES AUDIENCE) Sarge: Forward, March! (JIMMY PROCEDES TO DO HIS JOKE) Jimmy Kimmel: All right, here's a little bit of news about Our "Wonderful" President... It turns out that this week, President Bush "Accidently" spent over $1 Billion dollars to help aid the war in Afghanistan...(AUDIENCE OOOH'S) And by accidently, It turns out that the mistake he made was spending the money On $1 Billion Dollars worth of "G.I. JOE'S." (LAUGHTER) (JUDGES GIVE VARIOUS SCORES. A 5.6, A 6.7, AND A 7.4) Sarge: OK, Kimmel! You Just Barely Passed that part of the exam, but you still have to get through the most agonizing part of this test... The "Goodnight"! (CUT TO SHOT OF JIMMY AT A DESK) Private, you must thank not only your guests for being here, or the people for watching, but you must also come up with a quick and witty gesture to say goodbye with. If you can do that, you're ready for the real world, soldier! Show us what you got! Jimmy Kimmel: (OFF STAGE) This Was it, the moment that determined if I was going to be a network shoo-in, or just another pathetic cable guy...(AT CAMP) All right, I'd like to thank my guests Mike Myers...(CUT TO CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF MYERS.) "Austin Powers in Goldmember" opens on July 26th, so don't miss that. Also, thanks once again to Dr. Joyce Brothers! (CUT TO CUTOUT OF BROTHERS) You're advice is always helpful to us. And of course thank you at home for watching the show, you make it better for me to come here each day and do this job, so thank you and we'll see you tommorow, (DOES A LITTLE HAND SALUTE AND A WAVE.) good night everybody! (STANDING OVATION IN THE JUDGES SECTION) Sarge: Well, well, well Kimmel...I had you all wrong! You're going to make a five star talk show host...Just do me a favor, try to go easy on that Jay Leno guy. He's good, almost too good. (CUT BACK TO "HOME BASE") Jimmy Kimmel: It might have been a rough experience, but every day of it was worth it. OK, Stick Around! "Rev. Horton Heat" is here! And We'll be right back! Rate or review this sketch. |
