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.....Jimmy Kimmel OnStar Voice.....Ana Gasteyer Spokesman.....Chris Parnell OnStarXXX.....Maya Rudolph [ show Jimmy Kimmel in his car; he presses a button on his console and a map appears on the LCD screen OnStar Voice: OnStar, how may I help you? Jimmy: Well, I need to know how the location of a good brothel. Preferably one that has a good dominatrix. Any suggestions? OnStar Voice: Well, sir, we can't help you in that department. Do you need directions to a restaurant or something? Jimmy: No, man. I just need to know where the nearest whore house is! Is that too much to ask? OnStar Voice: Yes, actually. We only give out directions to places that are in good taste. Jimmy: Speaking of good taste, you have a sexy voice. How about getting me directions to your office? OnStar Voice: Ohh-kay. Thank you for using OnStar. [ shuts off ] Jimmy: Aw, what a load of crap! All I wanted was for someone to show me the way to Poontang City! [ a spokesman comes up to the window of Jimmy's car ] Spokesman: I can show you the way. Jimmy: Dude! Get the [ bleep ] away from my car, you psycho... Spokesman: No, no, sir. How about this? [ he snaps his fingers ] [ immediately zoom in on car's LCD screen displaying "OnStar", then cue jazzy porno music as logo on LCD changes to "OnStar XXX" ] Spokesman: Now you have OnStar Triple-X. Jimmy: Cool! What do you do? Spokesman: Just press the big red button! [ Jimmy pushes the button and a prostitute magically appears in the passenger seat ] OnStar XXX: Hey, baby. What do you want? Jimmy: How about the works? OnStar XXX: You bet. Spokesman: Have you ever tried to yank it while driving on the freeway, only to have your car spin out of control and crash because your hands were on Mister Pecker and not on Mister Steering Wheel? Now you can drive safely, at the hands of OnStar XXX! [ show Jimmy driving as a prostitute is servicing him below ] Spokesman: OnStar XXX also provides directions to the nearest brothel, if the skank whore provided by OnStar is not adequate. And if you want accessories, we can change your car's horn into four different sensous noises. [ Jimmy honks the horn, and instead of a honk, the car horn emits an erotic moan ] Jimmy: This'll never get old. Spokesman: OnStar XXX. Put some fun in the passenger seat. And your pants too. [ show Kimmel in the car again, alone ] Spokesman: And if you're into men, press the pink button. [ Kimmel makes a curious face, then presses the pink button. Mango magically appears in his passenger seat, grinning like an idiot ] Mango: Hello!!! [ show outside of car [ show product logo, then the sketch ends ] Rate or review this sketch. |
