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Walter...Jimmy Kimmel Ellie... Amy Poehler The Scene - A park in New York City. Day. Two set props: park bench, wire link trash basket. Walter enters. He's very conservative. He's carrying a black briefcase in one hand, brown paper bag in other. He approaches bench carefully, checking out the environment. He places briefcase and bag on bench, withdraws napkin from pocket, unfolds it and spreads it neatly on bench seat. He seats himself in center of napkin, takes up paper bag, removes contents - large plastic container of coffee, a tightly wrapped sandwich. He crumples bag, tosses it to ground, removes lid from container of coffee, blows over top of liquid, carefully takes tiny sip. Ellie enters. She's attractive, well built, smartly attired. She approaches bench in jaunty manner. Walter, ignoring Ellie's presence, lifts coffee to his lips cautiously, prepares to take another sip of the steaming brew. Ellie spots the discarded bag. Ellie: Ah HA! Caught you!!!!! Walter: What!? Huh!? (He starts, spilling coffee to his pants. He leaps to his feet. smacking his legs, attempting to pull hot, wet material away from his skin.) Ellie: (oblivious to Walter's plight, bending down, picking up paper bag.) Litter, litter! Every litter bit hurts! Don't be a litter bug! (placing bag in trash basket) Litter - the ruination of our natural environment. And you don't look like the type either. (looking about) Nice day. They said rain too. You never know in New York. (notes Walter gingerly pulling pants from legs) You alright? You Okay? Walter: Yes, yes wonderful...fine, nothing. I can have skin grafts. Ellie: My Uncle Max had the same problem. Walter: (blotting pants with napkin) What? Ellie: He just couldn't hold his water. Walter: Now see here, Miss, Miss - Ellie: Ms. But you don't look old enough for leaky kidneys. Ah, booze, huh? Too bad. After awhile it'll get to you - everything goes. Walter: I don't drink. (blots) Ellie: It's no sin, ya know. Walter: Now see here, Miss - Ellie: Ms. Walter: Miss, Ms., Madam, Mrs. - whatever. It's coffee! Hot, scalding coffee! Ellie: Oh well, coffee's just as bad. Maybe even worse. It's murder on the bladder. It goes through you - whish! Just like that. Walter: This isn't a whish - this is a spill! Ellie: Don't be modest. I worked in a hospital once. I've seen everything. Go ahead and whish if you want. Walter: (holds coffee container aloft.) Coffee dammit! Okay!? Ellie: A stimulant - attacks the nervous system. None of it's any good for you. I'm organic myself. Walter: Miss or Miss. organic? Ellie: I watch everything. Sugars, starches. No desserts ever - empty calories. And no meat. Steroids, you know. Nothing sprayed. Whole grains. Strictly vegetarian. Are you vegetarian? No - you look meat, a meat look for sure. Walter: Any special cut? (wiping down pants) Ellie: My grandfather was meat. Meat meat meat. Cuttlets, pork chops, sausage - all of it. He looked great 'til he was eighty. Then, he went to hell, jut like that. Cholesterol. Like I said, it catches up. (Walter seats himself on bench and attempts to ignore Ellie's barrage) Are you into yogurt? You should be, you know it fights those enzimes. I'll bet right now that enzimes are eating away at the lining of your stomach. (She makes fingers like chewing teeth) Walter: The only thing eating away at the lining of my stoamch is hunger. (takes up sandwich) Now - if you don't mind. Ellie: That's bad. (She plops down beside Walter) Mind if I join you? You should never let your stomach get completely empty. You should eat lightly and often. Walter: (Ignoring, unwrapping sandwich) Lightly and often. Ellie: I'm a member of the Sierra Club. Walter: (chewing) That's nice. Ellie: That's the reason I'm so heavy into litter. Walter: Too bad you're not heavy into light conversation. Ellie: Do you always dress like that? Walter: No...sometimes I don't have coffee stains. Ellie: But why all blue? It's so basic. Walter: (putting down sandwich) I've always been basic blue. I was a basic blue baby. I drive a basic blue SUV. I have a basic blue wife. Everything I touch turns to basic blue. Now, if you don't mind for Chrise sake, I'd like to finish my pastrami before it turns purple! Ellie: Are you into group sex? (We fade out as Walter stares at her in disbelief.) Rate or review this sketch. |
