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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey .....Britney Spears V/O: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey. Tina Fey: Hi, I'm Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: And I'm Jimmy Fallon, and here are tonight's top stories. Jimmy Fallon: President Bush urged Congress and Americans this week to approve a new cabinet, Homeland Security. This would cause a need for more federal funding and hiring of some 1,500 special agents. Bush then went on to ask if they could give him a cabinet for his coloring books. 
Tina Fey: Liza Minnelli has planned for her and her new husband to make a spinoff series from "The Osbournes" based on their own lives. Minnelli also plans on making herself look more like a man.
Jimmy Fallon: Mexican pop diva Gloria Trevi ended a 2-1/2-year stint in Brazilian prisons on Thursday, moving to a convent where she will wait under house arrest for a verdict on extradition to Mexico in a sex abuse case. Apparently, she stole one too many tacos from Taco Bell. Jimmy Fallon: U.S. consumer sentiment fell in July but improved in the second half of the month even as a merciless stock market sell-off dealt a blow to Americans' expectations for the future. Also falling this month? Martin Landau's testicles. Tina Fey: An Egyptian court has jailed a man and his wife for six months for posting pornographic photos and films of themselves on the Internet, security sources say. Apparently, the couple went too far when she bent over and took it up the King Tut. 
Jimmy Fallon: Here we see Lorena Bobbitt on the prowl in Egypt for more penis.
Tina Fey: I think I can, I think I can…
Tina Fey: Michael Jackson was publicly speaking this week over racism in music. At the concluding point in his address, he went on to unveil the new 10 year old and under theme park.
Jimmy Fallon: Here we see Star Jones being brought in for a taping of "The View."
Tina Fey: According to Pakistan officials, tourism there has gone down rapidly at a rate of 75% in each of the past three years. Apparently they've now found the reason why the decline has taken place though; because it's Pakistan. 
Jimmy Fallon: Jeez Tina, who thought the floods in Texas would get this bad?
Tina Fey: You know, me and my husband were looking all over for a great summer vacation spot a few months ago, but were undecided for weeks. However, we finally chose the best spot for us-
Tina Fey: In 1990, 54 percent of American high schoolers had had sex. Ten years later, according to the latest findings of the Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System, 54 percent of high school students are virgins. What a difference 10 years, some rubber and a fake dick makes! Jimmy Fallon: An advisory panel to the US Food and Drug Administration recommended Thursday that pregnant women and women of childbearing age limit their intake of tuna, and to limit their intake of fat. Would it be too much to ask to…cut down on the chocolate?! 
Tina Fey: Hi, I'm a high school drop out who was a failure but then started this big company and am now taking over the universe. Have we met?
Jimmy Fallon: On July 26, 1963, Motown Records released "Mickey's Monkey" by The Miracles. Also, on this date in 1993, Billy Ray Cyrus tried to become a musician. Tina Fey: Usually right about now we bring in a special guest on Update, but due to me taking pregnancy tests all week and Jimmy schmozzing off with that slut with fake boobs, we didn't have time to write one up, so for Weekend Update, I'm Tina Fey. [zoom out to him under the desk with Amy Poehler as Britney Spears] Britney Spears: This is my man right here, ya hear that Justin? Hey, ya'll, I have fake boobs… Tina Fey: Yea, you also don't have a cooter. I'm Tina Fey, goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Rate or review this sketch. |
