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Tommy Grand.....Jeff Richards Jessica Strom.....Tara Reid Detective Gomez.....Darrell Hammond Tony Broussard.....Seth Meyers Linda Grand.....Amy Poehler [ open on "Cheaters" title card ] Voiceover: Cheaters presents to you inspirational chronicles of humankind. The heroic men and women of these stories overcome the challenges of relationships and restore health and happiness to their lives by taking charge, and holding accountable the unfaithful. [ dissolve to host Tommy Grand in pre-taped outdoor scene ] Tommy Grand: I'm Tommy Grand, welcome to another episode of "Cheaters". Tonight, we help a young woman uncover the truth about her crumbling relationship, before it's too late. [ fade to "Cheaters" file card, Jessica Strom pictured on front of the folder with stats to her left ] Voiceover: Meet Jessica Strom, a 23-year-old receptionist who thinks her fiance might be putting their relationship on hold. [ upward zoom to Jessica ] Jessica Strom: Um.. I met Tony during my Senior year in high school, while he was still, you know, a 20-year-old pulled-back as a Freshman. While I was in college, he dropped out of high school.. then he went to night class for a couple of years and got his G.E.D. He'd never worked a day in his life since the time I met him.. then, about three months ago, he finally found work as a night janitor at a bowling alley. Since that time, he's been coming home late in the afternoon. He claims to be crashing at the apartment of a co-worker who lives around the corner from the bowling alley.. but I can't help but feel that he's cleaning up with another woman.. and I'm so grateful that "Cheaters" is here to help me find out the truth. You guys are the greatest.. I mean that. [ dissolve to "Cheaters" logo ] Voiceover: Do you suspect infidelity in your relationship? If so, "Cheaters" licensed investigators are ready to help. Exercise your right to be informed. [ dissolve to Tommy Grand and Jessica standing around the corner from a restaurant, Tommy clutching a camcorder in his right hand ] Tommy Grand: I'm sorry to have to call you here like this.. but I had my "Cheaters" detectives run a surveillance on your fiance all week.. and I don't think you're going to like what I have to show you. Jessica Strom: So, he's been playing? Tommy Grand: I'm afraid so. [ holding up camcorder ] If you'll look at this footage, you can plainly see that he's holding hands with another woman. I thought you might find that a little strange.. Jessica Strom: [ shaking head ] He always says he's too pooped from pushing the broom all night to have the energy to even hold my hand! Tommy Grand: I'm sorry.. And then, two nights later, our detectives caught him in a motel room with the same woman. The curtains are drawn, but they left the lights on.. so you can tell by the shadows that they are definitely doing the horizontal line drive. Jessica Strom: [ confused ] Is that a.. is that a sports term? Tommy Grand: Yes. Don't mind my descriptions, I'm just trying to take your mind off your anger and humiliation. This guy's on the phone telling you how much he loves you, only to end up on video holding tight to a strange woman like she's a drippy fudgesicle. Jessica Strom: [ hand over eyes, holding back tears ] I just can't believe he would do this.. Tommy Grand: Well, I mean, the video speaks for itself. [ points to camcorder ] If you look there, he's going at her like a pig to a trough - and he's got the stains on his face to prove it. And, if you forward the tape just a little, you can see her riding on him like a mechanical bull at a honkytonk.. she's on the back of a Harley doing 70 miles-an-hour, and holding on for dear life. I don't know how else I could describe it to you, Jessica.. Jessica Strom: [ silent ] Who is she? Tommy Grand: Well, now, that's what bothers me about the whole affair - our detectives were unable to learn the identity of Tony's female companion. She's been wearing some sort of Lone Ranger mask, and no one's been able to I.D. her. Jessica Strom: Oh, him with that mask! He wants me to wear a mask and pretend to be a naughty bank robber during sex. I told him I don't play that! Tommy Grand: So he's just going behind your back to find a fantasy sex partner? That is sick. Really sick. Jessica Strom: Yeah. Tommy Grand: Now, I want to tell you.. they're having dinner at the restaurant right around the corner. Do you want to confront them? Jessica Strom: [ ready ] Oh, hell yeah! Tommy Grand: Alright, we'll get our crew around and we'll let Tony know it's time to face the music. [ cell phone rings, he answers it ] Yeah, Gomez - whaddaya got? [ cut to Detective Gomez standing outside the restaurant, revealed for the first time to actually be Gomez from "The Addams Family", complete with pencil-thin moustache and pinstripe suit, enhanced now with infra-red spy equipment ] Gomez: [ talking into cell phone ] Tommy, they're standing in line to pay their bill. They should be coming outside the restaurant in less than thirty seconds. You gonna send the team in for a swarm? [ cut back to Tommy Grand and Jessica ] Tommy Grand: We're on our way. Thanks, Gomez. [ returns cell phone to overcoat pocket ] Alright, Jessica. They're about to step outside. Are you nervous? Jessica Strom: Yes, I am. But I, you know, I have to do this. Tommy Grand: Alright, let's go. [ Tommy, Jessica, and 20-man camera and boom-mike crew run toward the restaurant ] Tommy Grand: Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!! [ Tony and Mystery Companion step outside the restaurant, bewildered by the stampede; Mystery Woman covers her face and turns her head, silent the entire time. ] Jessica Strom: What are you doing with this slut?! Tony Broussard: Hey, what the fu** is this?! Jessica Strom: You're busted! Tony Broussard: What the fu** is this?! Tommy Grand: My name is Tommy Grand, with the television show "Cheaters". What's going on, dude? You wanna explain to your fiancee why you're in a motel room taking scuba-diving lessons in bed? Tony Broussard: [ still reeling from the shock ] Hey, what the fu** is this?! Jessica Strom: You're busted! Tony Broussard: Don't you fu**in' trust me? I'm just having dinner with a client! Jessica Strom: You're a fu**in' janitor, you stupid, high school graduate wannabe! Tony Broussard: [ pointing to the camera crew ] What the fu** is all this?! You're spying on me?! Tommy Grand: I had to show her surveillance footage of you slamming the Titanic into her glacier! Do you think that's right? Tony Broussard: Hey, man, this is jackass! You name's not even Tommy Grand - it's Tommy Habeeb! Tommy Grand: Hey, we're not here to discuss my name - we're here to discuss the issue of your infidelity. If you don't like getting caught with your pants down, then you never should have unbuckled your belt in the first place. Jessica Strom: Yeah! Now, who is this little bitch! I wanna see who this is! [ Jessica pulls the Mystery Woman's mask off ] Tommy Grand: [ gasps ] Linda! Linda Grand: I'm sorry, Tommy.. Jessica Strom: You know this bitch? Tommy Grand: This, uh.. bitch.. is my wife, Linda. What the fu** is this? Linda Grand: You're never home for me, Tommy! You're always out with your buddies, spying on people! Tommy Grand: These are trained and licensed detectives! Linda Grand: You're not a detective! Tommy Grand: I am the host! I have to mediate the disputes, and edit the videotape for the syndicated broadcasts. I miss you while I'm away, but I don't go looking for satisfaction on the side. I whack it once in the shower, and I don't have to think about it for the rest of the day! Tony Broussard: Look, I like being with both girls, okay? I mean, fu**! We could have a foursome right now, I don't care! Linda Grand: I've done it with three - I haven't done it with four. Tommy? Tommy Grand: Jessica, this is your situation. You make the call. Jessica Strom: [ quickly ] A foursome could be fun. I just don't want to have to wear a mask. Gomez: [ squeezing into the frame ] Hey, do you mind if I join in as a fifth wheel? I'd like to get a piece of this myself! Linda Grand: Even better! Tommy Grand: Where's the motel, Tony? I know you have it booked for tonight, we have it on tape. Tony Broussard: [ pointing ] Two blocks that way, everybody. Tommy Grand: Alright, alright.. [ to camera ] I'm Tommy Grand, and we'll see you next time on "Swingers" - I mean.. "Cheaters". [ to the group ] Last one to the motel's a rotten egg! [ everyone, including the excited camera and mike crew, run down the street ] [ dissolve to "Cheaters" title card, fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
