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Officer Allan.....Chris Parnell Officer Gomez.....Horatio Sanz Officer Verchota.....Jeff Richards Director.....Chris Kattan Anna Nicole Smith.....Amy Poehler Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond Pee Wee Herman.....Jimmy Fallon [ Music intro: "Bad Boys" by Inner Circle ] [ COPS logo appears on screen ] [ As intro music plays, show COPS breaking onto the set of MadTV, tackling Mike McDonald, and beating the living bejesus out of him ] Announcer: COPS is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. [ SUPER: Hollywood, California ] [ SUPER: Officers Jim Allen and Franco Gomez, Hollywood Police Department. ] [ Two cops are in a squad car, cruising through a neighborhood filled with mansions and tourists ] Officer Gomez: I really enjoy working for this department... I've been doing it for ten years and have loved every minute of it. Officer Allan: The streets of Hollywood are usually free of crime, but sometimes we have to respond to some prostitution related calls from the Sheen residence. Officer Gomez: That's the great thing about this town. We deal with celebrities all the time. I get to see some of my big-screen heroes in person while I'm cuffing them and reading them their rights. [ SUPER: 12:31 PM - Officer Assistance Call ] Officer Allan: Alright, we've got a few Beverly Hills officers calling for assistance, they are having trouble serving a warrant for the arrest of Anna Nicole Smith. [ chuckles and shakes head ] I knew it was just a matter of time before she got into trouble with the law. Officer Gomez: [ into radio ] Three six niner, on route, over. [ to cameraman ] Yeah many of our arrests are made on the sets of television programs that are a disgrace to the industry. It may just be a coincidence though. [ show squad car pulling up to Anna Nicole Smith's residence; another cop car is already parked there ] Officer Allan: Alright, we're on location. Move! [ both Officers and the camera man get out and run to the entrance. Another officer, Verchota, is at the door ] Officer Verchota: I'm glad to see you two here. We've had trouble locating Anna Nicole. Officer Allan: You're kidding me! You can't find her?! Man, you must be blind. Officer Gomez: Did you check everywhere in the house? Officer Verchota: Pretty much. [ the officers walk in, Officer Verchota confronts the Anna Nicole Show's director ] [ SUPER: Officer Laurent Verchota, Beverly Hills Police Department ] Officer Verchota: Where's she at? Huh? We have a warrant here. Director: I have no idea! She said she was going into her dressing room upstairs. Officer Gomez: Where the hell is that? Director: Upstairs, and please, don't disturb her, she's- Officer Allan: That's all we need, now move it! [ Officer Gomez shoves the director aside as they run upstairs; they converge around a door with a big star on it ] Officer Gomez: [ into radio ] Seven Three Ten. Officer Allan: Go! [ the COPS bust down the door and enter the room. Anna Nicole Smith is in bed with someone ] Officers: Hold it right there! Get out of bed and put your hands up! [ Anna Nicole Smith gets out of bed; she is naked. Her TV show's logo blocking her private parts ] Anna Nicole Smith: [ chuckling hysterically ] Oh my God, come on, you could have at least waited until I was done [ bleeeep ] him! [ falls over laughing ] Officer Verchota: Alright, Anna Nicole, get up. [ grabs her ] Come on, up. [ Anna Nicole doesn't get up. ] Officer Verchota: A hand here, guys? [ The COPS all come over and help Verchota pick up Anna Nicole Smith. They can barely lift her off the ground ] Officer Allan: On your feet, Anna. You're coming with us as soon as you put your clothes on. Anna Nicole Smith: [ still chuckling ] But why-y-y... don't you like my naked body, I mean why the [ bleep ] do I need pants and a shirt... [ trails off, chuckling ] Officer Verchota: You are under arrest for being a prostitute, being too fat to walk, and also for having a body fat percentage that's higher than 100%. And the most serious charge, you are under arrest for putting on the worst show ever aired on television. Let's go. Anna Nicole Smith: [ laughing ] I can't go without my whore thong! Please... aw [ bleep ] come on! [ they leave, except for Officer Allan, who is checking the rest of the room for evidence. He pulls the covers aside and Bill Clinton pops out from the bed, wearing only boxers ] Bill Clinton: Hello there, young man. Officer Allan: Mr. President? [ makes a face ] Oh, God… Bill Clinton: You're damn right it's me. Do whatever the hell you want. Throw me in jail, I don't care, because I take whatever lovin' I can find. [ makes a face, and thumbs-up ] Officer Allan: Get out of here, you perv! [ shoos Clinton out ] Wait a second... [ Officer Allan walks over to the closet; he opens it to find Pee Wee Herman in the closet; he is holding a small container of petroleum jelly ] Pee Wee Herman: Oh no! Hee hee hee... Officer Allan: Oh, God no... first you get arrested for stalking Anna Nicole, and now you're in here watching! You're under arrest, you bloodsucker. [ cuffs him ] Pee Wee Herman: But... but I wasn't really watching them! I was imagining that I was Bill Clinton and Anna Nicole Smith was a little girl instead. Officer Allan: Shut up! Just shut your mouth up and get the hell out of here!!! [ cut back to squad car ] Officer Gomez: Man, that was wild. But we deal with this kind of stuff on a daily basis. In fact, I heard that Martha Stewart's in town soon so all police personnel in LA County will be on high alert. Officer Allan: Ah, the rewards of this job... getting to handcuff and berate the famous. Especially people we don't particularly enjoy watching. [ COPS goes to commercial, show logo ] Rate or review this sketch. |
