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The Gay Hitler Show
written by: Justin Kaplowitz


Gay Hitler...Chris Kattan
Dick Cheney...Darrell Hammond
Neil Diamond...Will Ferrell
Bandleader...Jeff Richards


German Announcer: You are watching "Sky TV Gremany", a "News Corporation" station... You know, the Rupert Murdoch Guy. Coming up tonight, Hans Festerbrunch stars in the Cult classic "The House has Gills", followed by the World Series of Chess quarterfinals. But first, it's time for the all-new "Gay Hitler Show"

(CUT TO GAY HITLER SET, A SET WHICH LOOKS SOMEWHAT SIMILAR TO ROSIE O'DONNEL'S SET, ONLY THE BACKDROP IS SET FOR NIGHT.)

(MUSIC: "SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER" FROM "THE PRODUCERS")

German Announcer: Live, from the television center of Dusseldorf, Germany...It's (SUPER)"The Gay Hitler show!" Und now, a man who calls himself "The Happiest Girl in the world", GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY HITLERRRRRR!!!

(GAY HITLER ENTERS WITH A NAZI SALUTE, FOLLOWED BY AN AFEMINATE WAVE.)

Gay Hitler: Danke Shoen, und wilkomen to mein new show. Where we promise to make the guests feel right at home with the issues, and if they don't like the way things are going, that's their problem. Now before we begin, let me introduce you to mein band...Hermann Goering und Ze Excutioners!!!

Goering: Ha, Ha, Ha, Danke Shoen Gay Hitler! I love your shoes, where did you get them?

Gay Hitler: From a store called "Das Boots" (RIMSHOT)

Goering: "Hi-Oh!"

Gay Hitler: Ha, Ha, Ha...(MOOD CHANGE) SILENCE! You dare laugh at your superior?! (NAZI SALUTE, MOOD RETURNS TO NORMAL.) OK then, we have a lot of show to get through tonight, so let us bring out our first guest. He is the Vice President of the United States, und like many politicians, he like to lie, cheat und steal. Sounds like my kind of guy! Ladies und Gentlemen, Herr Dick Cheney!

(MUSIC: "YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO YOUNG")

Gay Hitler: Wilkomen to mein show Herr Cheney.

Dick Cheney: Well Gay Hitler, as long as I'm in the country, I might as well emphasize my feelings towards your country for the terrible flooding you've been experiencing.

Gay Hitler: Ya, I almost feel sorry for the people who perrished so far...But then again, I've never been much of a people person, Ha, ha, ha. (CHENEY HAS A LOOK OF DISGUST ON HIS FACE.) Now then, it says here that you have granted an undisclosed amount of money to help relieve ze flooding.

Dick Cheney: Well, we figured that as long as it was enough to help pay off the various damages that have been made in the country so far...

Gay Hitler: Ugh, stop right there! I'm sorry, but I have to ask you...Did it hurt?

Dick Cheney: Did what Hurt?

Gay Hitler: (IN A COY MANNER) When you fell from Heaven?

Dick Cheney: What the Hell?

Gay Hitler: You know something, I thought I'd be bored from having you here, but I figured that since your name was "Dick", I'd be more comfortable.

Dick Cheney: I'll have you know that I have been married to the same beautiful woman for over 30 years, and I don't ever plan on leaving her now!

Gay Hitler: OHHHHHH, I see where this is going. (MAKES WHIPPING SOUND)

Dick Cheney: What the hell are you talking about?! (HITLER CONTINUES WHIPPING UNTIL CHENEY STORMS OUT) This is just... This is... You are... That's It! I'm leaving! I'm outta here! (CHENEY LEAVES)

Gay Hitler: Oh well, If anything were to happen between us, I'd give him the biggest heart attack of his life.

Goering: Hoo, Hoo! You got that right Hitler!

Gay Hitler: Ha, ha, ha...(MOOD CHANGES, STARTS YELLING IN INAUDIBLE GERMAN, NAZI SALUTE, MOOD CHANGES BACK.) OK, now that the serious stuff is done, it's time for the fun. Here now to sing a little song with me, is mein good friend, Herr Neil Diamond!!!

(NEIL DIAMOND ENTERS, MUSIC: "COMING TO AMERICA")

Neil Diamond: Hey, Gay Hitler. How's everything going?

Gay Hitler: Ah, well you know, it's mein first show, I was a little nervous until you came on. I tell you, that Dick Cheney really live up to his name if you know what I mean.

Neil Diamond: Well, don't worry about it. To me, it's a thrill to be here at the grand opening of the Heiniken Brewery. (HITLER HAS A PUZZLED LOOK) Anyway, as for the song I'm going to sing, I got to admit, I thought I had nothing to sing. but thanks to the snacks you had in your greenroom, I remembered this little gem from 1972, Hit it!

I got a song been on my mind
And the tune can be sung and the words all rhyme
Deedle-ee deet deet deet deet deet deet deet dee dee

Though it don't say much and it won't offend
If you sing it in school then they're liable to send you home
Never knowing what you're showin'
Think you're growin' your own tea

Drop your shrink and stop your drinkin'
Crunchy granola's neat
Sing it out
Alright
Da da da da
Da da da da da
Dee dee dee dum

Take it away, Gay Hitler...

Gay Hitler:
I know a man was outta touch
And he'd hide in a house and he didn't say much
Deedle-ee deet deet deet deet deet deet deet dee doo

And like a man with a tiger outside his gate
Not only couldn't relax but he couldn't relate
Now he can
Family man
Tried my brand

Drop your shrink and stop your drinkin'
Crunchy granola's neat
Sing it out
Alright
Da da da da
Da da da da da
Dee dee dee do
Deedle-ee dum dum

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

OK, that's all ze time we have for today's show, join us tommorow for our guests Ellen DeGeneres und Heterosexual Fashion Designer Calvin Klein. Until next time, Auf Wiederzein!

(FADE OUT)


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