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Mr. Johnson.....Seth Meyers Mrs. Johnson.....Amy Poehler Loan Oficer McCrary.....Darrell Hammond Metabank Spokesman.....Chris Parnell Mrs. Norman.....Ana Gasteyer [ open on MetaBank Loan Office, a young couple trying to get a loan from Loan Officer Don McCrary ] Mr. Johnson: So, with this loan we'll be able to fulfill our dream of opening our own family restaurant. Mrs. Johnson: It'll possess a warm, family atmosphere that has been absent for too long. Loan Officer McCrary: [ reviewing their credit history ] That sounds great, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, but I'm afraid that giving you this loan would involve too much risk on our part. I'm sorry. [ Mr. and Mrs. Johnson are in shock ] [ cut to MataBank Spokesman ] MetaBank Spokesman: These days, everyone wants to borrow money they don't have, but at MetaBank, we're not willing to give that money to just anyone. You have to assure us that you really need the money, and it's going to take a lot more than a rosy scenerio to turn our hearts over to you. Our Loan Officer, Don McCrary, is one tough bastard. If you want that loan, you're going to have to make him cry. [ cut to teary-eyed Mrs. Norman telling her sob story to Loan Officer McCrary ] Mrs. Norman: And if we don't come up with $2,000, we'll lose our house! Loan Officer McCrary: I'm really sorry, but my answer's no. Mrs. Norman: But you don't understand! The $2,000 isn't just for the house! We also need $500 for my son's operation. Loan Officer McCrary: [ listening ] Mmm-hmm.. Mrs. Norman: [ bursting with tears ] He was hit by a car last week, and the doctors say that if he doesn't receive an immediate blood transfusion, he could die! Loan Officer McCrary: Uh-huh.. Mrs. Norman: [ hysterical ] In fact, he did die! Just this morning! And we don't have enough to cover the cost of the funeral! Loan Officer McCrary: [ eyes twitching ] Your little boy died?! Mrs. Norman: [ pulling innocent picture out of purse ] Just look at him! And now he's.. gone! Loan Officer McCrary: Oh, my God! [ starts weeping ] I wish you had come to see me sooner! Oh, God! Let me write you a check! MetaBank Spokesman: And that's not all. If our Loan Officer develops a case of the sniffles, you don't have to pay us back! Loan Officer McCrary: [ blowing his nose into a hankie, crying profusely ] Oh, my Dear God, why?!! Mrs. Norman: I'll be taking that check now. MetaBank Spokesman: That's MetaBank. Give us the tears, we'll give you the cash. Rate or review this sketch. |
