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Announcer... Darrell Hammond Kirsten Sambol... Amy Poehler Ron Hickey... Chris Parnell Laura Damonte... Maya Rudolph Hit Man... Dean Edwards Man... Jeff Richards Wrong Victim... Horatio Sanz John Alger... Seth Meyers Announcer: This just in .... With Kirsten Sambol and Ron Hickey. Live Reporting by Laura Damonte and Sports and Weather and everything else we couldn't afford to hire people with. This Just in Starts now! (fade to a news room we hear phone ringing and anonymous office stuff.) Ron Hickey: Welcome to This Just In, I'm Ron Hickey. Kirsten Sambol: And I'm Kirsten Sambol. Here is the news that your other local channels won't show you such as Channel 2, 4 and 8. So we here at Channel 6 bring you This Just in. A man was caught shoving stolen jewels in his rectum. Police say "We are just waiting and waiting and waiting and wai--- OH GOD WHAT'S THAT SMELL??? Okay. I take that back we have obtained the jewels." Back to you Ron. Ron Hickey: Thanks Kirsten. A man was hired to rob a home and then shot a man. He did and then shortly after he realized it wasn't the right house or the right man. We go to Laura Damonte with a live report. Laura? (Cut to Outside a home, with police and bystanders everywhere. Obviously pandomonioum.) Laura Damonte: Thanks Ron. Well we have obtained the man who shot the other man in the arm. Yes he is without handcuffs because police say that he didn't know he shot the wrong man. (the camera backs up to reveal the hit man next to her) Laura Damonte: Hello. We arn't going to release your name so we will call you Hitman. Is that okay with you Sam. Hitman: You wern't supposed to say my name. Laura Damonte: Yeah about that. Sorry man. It slipped. You know things like this always happen you say something to the wrong person you talk to the wrong person you kill the wrong person. (fake chuckle) Hitman: Oh yeah about dat. da dude said he said he lived at 29734 And I shot the guy at 29134. See I thought dat da 7 was a 1 or no the 1 was a 7 or something like that. Laura Damonte: Yeah it must be this summer heat. It's extraordinary. You must have been sweating so bad. Being black and all. But whose to talk? So what exactly happened once you arrived. Hitman: Well I walked in and he was masturbating to "Erin Brocovitch" And I was all cool And so When his and went up I shot him in the arm. He turned around right when it went every where and he turned around and that's when I realized I was supposed to shoot a white dude. Not a Mexican. Laura Damonte: That can suck. So what do yo--- (Man walks on screen in pajamas) Man: What the hell is going on? Laura Damonte: Well sir you're inte---- Hitman: Wait a minute you're the white dude. (Chases man off camera) Laura Damonte: Ooo. (Watching. Gun shots fire.) This just in he has killed the right man this time. (Looking off again) Police are now arresting him for this crime (Looking off again. We hear door shuts. a few seconds later we hear them reopen and close again.) It appears that he shot the wrong man again, so police are letting him go. (Looking off again) Oooo. Here comes the first victim. (Wrong victim enters on a stretcher. He has blood and white milky stuff on his face.) Laura Damonte: Sir. Do you have a moment? Wrong Victim: I've just been shot you bitch!!!!!! (the stretcher breaks through and he falls to the ground. ) Serves him right! Back to you in the Studio. (we fade back to studio) Kirsten Sambol: Thanks for that live report. It was .... interesting. We know go to John Alger for Weather sports entertainment music computers hardware business the stock market (We slowly hear her go on and on and on as we fade to John) John Alger: Now to more importmant matters such as sports weather entertai--- Announcer: (interrupting) That was This Just In. Join us tommorow when Laura goes to the track Osama Bin Laden. (We fade to the Ground Zero bumper) Rate or review this sketch. |
