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…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey …..Mark Jennings Reese II …..Chris Kattan Carson Daly…..Jimmy Fallon fu Shcnickens…..Tracy Morgan Lorne Michaels…..Jeff Richards Tara Reid…..Amy Poehler …..Tara Reid …..Lorne Michaels V/O: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey. Tina Fey: Hi, I'm Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: And I'm Jimmy Fallon, and here are tonight's top stories. Jimmy Fallon: President Bush signed legislation Tuesday giving U.S. presidents broad authority to negotiate global trade accords, and pledged to use his new powers to boost America's sagging economy. Bush unfortunately went on to show us his sagging economy. [Jimmy winks at a picture of President Bush pointing to his middle area] Tina Fey: In a risky procedure that took 22 hours, surgeons separated 1-year-old Guatemalan twins joined at the head; and one of the babies had to go back into surgery because of internal bleeding. Doctors say the bleeding may have started when they tried to use a jackhammer to separate the twins. Jimmy Fallon: Rock icon Jimi Hendrix has been voted the greatest guitarist of all time in a poll by a leading European guitar magazine Tuesday. Meanwhile, Michael Jackson was voted best pedophile by Rape Weekly. Tina Fey: Hollywood filmmakers shooting the "Bad Boys" sequel are the bad boys of south Florida this week as they tie up the main road between downtown Miami and Miami Beach for a movie scene that has motorists in a road rage. They further got themselves in trouble when they blocked the highway between Cuba and Miami. No, wait... never mind that, Miami's a part of Cuba. Tina Fey: Joshua Ryan Evans, the 3-foot-2 actor who played Timmy the living doll on the NBC soap "Passions," died Tuesday during a medical procedure, the network said. Mini-Me could not be reached for comment. Jimmy Fallon: After the worldwide success of the "Vagina Monologues," British comedian Richard Herring felt it was high time to celebrate the joy of his manhood, and created a spin-off "Talking Cock." The man informed everyone that not to be discriminated he used a false last name online, and that his real last name is "Hatch." Tina Fey: AOL Time Warner Inc. has hired Jon Miller, a top executive from USA Interactive, to lead the company's struggling AOL Internet division, sources familiar with the situation said on Tuesday. In a related story, Don Ohlmeyer has been hired as executive of Asshole's, Inc. Jimmy Fallon: John Madden's debut on "Monday Night Football" drew higher overnight TV ratings than either of Dennis Miller's Hall of Fame NFL exhibition telecasts. However, ratings did dive some after Madden streaked across the field naked. Jimmy Fallon: Warner Books, an HBO corporate cousin, will publish "The Sopranos Family Cookbook: As Compiled by Artie Bucco," a collection of southern Italian-style recipes. Be warned, however, because if you don't cook the sauce long enough, it will shoot you. Jimmy Fallon: This week in History, on August 6, 1973, Stevie Wonder was seriously injured when the car he was riding in collided with a lumber truck in North Carolina. He spent four days in a coma. Also on this date in 1994, OJ Simpson…oh forget it, OJ is guilty. Tina Fey: A stockholder in Martha Stewart's fine living empire has sued the domesticity diva, saying she breached her duties to her investors by becoming involved in the ImClone Systems insider trading scandal. Coincidently, the two women are both heartless bitches just looking for money. Jimmy Fallon: Well, I guess you could say our last Weekend Update kinda stunk majorly. So, we've created a new segment called "Fan Favorites" in which we select a huge fan from the SNL online community, and bring them here to do jokes or a little skit. Tonight we welcome Mark Jennings Reese II. Mark Jennings Reese II: Astronomers say they have determined that a newly discovered, a 1.2-mile wide asteroid will miss the Earth in 2019. Astronomers initially calculated at least seven potential impact dates beginning in 2019. Only one date has yet to be ruled out, Feb. 1, 2060. And now, here with a terrible re-enactment on the impact of the asteroid in 2060, is our own, Chris Kattan. (Kattan walks along the stage in a silver space-like suit, and notices an asteroid is about to hit him) Chris Kattan: Holy Spaceballs! (Kattan pretends an asteroid is about to hit him. Kattan acts like the asteroid has hit and lays on the stage motionless) Mark Jennings Reese II: Chris, that actually wasn't bad! (Kattan rises up and jumps atop the WU news desk) Chris Kattan: (yells out) Acting! Thank you! Mark Jennings Reese II: You're not Jon Lovitz! But, that was terrible, Chris. Jimmy, back to you. Jimmy Fallon: Sprint PCS is the first U.S. wireless telephone company to offer customers nationwide the ability to easily check e-mail and surf the Web with cell phones, giving access to information that once kept them tied to their desks. Also giving easier access to Americans? Martin Landau's testicles. Tina Fey: The West Nile virus has killed a fifth Louisiana resident, and about a dozen other new cases were confirmed, making the outbreak the worst ever for a single state, health officials said Tuesday. Well, there goes Mardi Gras. 
Jimmy Fallon: Jerry apparently didn't know that no one was listening when he said, "Look at the ass on that guy."
Tina Fey: U.S. cities and suburbs made strides fighting infectious diseases like tuberculosis and syphilis over the past decade while underweight births became more common, according to a study released on Tuesday. It also shows that condom use is up, while sloppy sex is up as well. Jimmy Fallon: TV advertisements that aggressively market junk food to children contribute to the growing obesity epidemic and should be regulated, according to group made up of Australian physicians and researchers. Now, German research continues to show my time-tested theory: Germans Love David Hasselhoff. 
Tina Fey: Here we see New York Giant's Jesse Palmer attempt to cover up his pee spot.
Jimmy Fallon: C'mon fellas, don't steal my markers.
Tina Fey: Well, many of you know that our host tonight is Tara Reid. Some of you may also know that Carson Daly's show, "Last Call," is taped right here in Studio 8H. On Wednesday this week, Tara and Carson saw each other for the first time since the breakup, and the Weekend Update Investigative Report Team was there live as it happened. [fade then zoom into "Last Call" set] Carson Daly: Well, I wanna thank our guest tonight, fu Shcnickens for being here. Your sound is so rad and "fat", will you come again 'dawg? fu Shcnickens: [tries to hold his laughter in] Haha, yea right dude. If you were any more whiter, snow would be black. Carson Daly: Yea, I'm down with that. I'm Carson Daly, and I'm trying to be cool. See you tomorrow night. Lorne Michaels: Ok, get this bullshit out of here, we have a show this week we need to rehearse for it, and where the hell is my Frapuchino? Tara Reid: Here you go, Lorne. Denny McNichols asked me to give it to you. Lorne Michaels: Thank you, Tara. Now get ready for the sketch or I'll have Kattan hump you again. Carson Daly: Hey Tara. Tara Reid: Get away from me homeboy. I ain't into you anymore. I want a real man who smokes 20 packs of cigarettes a day like me. Carson Daly: I'm totally into you though. We have a child together. Tara Reid: No we don't, now get away from me you creep. Carson Daly: Man, are you slamming. The Real Tara Reid: Amy, what the hell are you doing?! And Carson, would you get the hell out of here. Carson Daly: Yea, I should. I gotta go to my night job on the West Side where I'm a street vendor. Peace out. The Real Tara Reid: Amy, jeez, get a life. Why don't you and Seth make out some more? Huh?! [the real Lorne walks in but not yet noticing Jeff Richards] The Real Lorne Michaels: Ok, that's enough Tara. She learned her lesson. If she does it again, I'll freeze her along with me until 2060 when I come back to produce the show again. [notices Jeff] Jeff, what the hell are you doing?! [drops his Frapuchino and runs] I swear, if he's not more like Jerry Minor in every way. [fade out on both shaking their heads and Tina and Jimmy shaking their heads in disbelief] Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. Rate or review this sketch. |
