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.....John Cusack .....Maya Rudolph .....Amy Poehler .....Lorne Michaels .....Tina Fey various SNL characters.....Lorne Michaels [ open in John Cusack's dressing room, half the size in height of a normal room; John is sitting on the couch reading from his script, as Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler knock on his door, lower their heads from the ceiling and enter ] Maya Rudolph: Hi, John! Are you ready to do the show? John Cusack: [ places his script on top of bookshelf ] Hey, Maya.. Amy. I'm still not sure why I was asked to be here, but I'm ready. By the way, what's the deal with the low ceilings in my dressing room? Maya Rudolph: Well, lately a lot of our hosts have been Gen-Xers, who don't demand as much presence as a high-profile celebrity. This also allows extra storage for their groupies in the compartment above the dressing room. John Cusack: Oh. I.. I don't really have any groupies.. Amy Poehler: We know. Anyway, good luck in our Record Shop sketch together, John. John Cusack: Thank you, Amy. I thought you were great in that sketch - it must be your energy or your attitude, or the way you carry yourself, or.. Amy Poehler: John, you're not a fag, are you? Because I could do the sketch with Seth Meyers instead. John Cusack: No, I'm not a fag. I did some cheesy movies in the 80's, but that's all behind me now. Maya Rudolph: By the way, John, Lorne made some changes in the script. John Cusack: Oh, Christ. Like what? Maya Rudolph: Well, he completely cut my character from the Record Shop sketch. And because the budget was running low, you won't be lifting a boombox in your arms at the end of the sketch. John Cusack: Are you kidding me? No! That's the whole punchline! What are we supposed to do now, just cut to a commercial without bothering to do the punchline?! What the hell goes on in Lorne's mind?! Let me check the script.. [ John reaches for his script on the bookshelf, but accidentally knocks it behind the wall ] John Cusack: [ trying to retrieve the script ] Oh, great.. girls, you want to help me move this bookshelf away from the wall? Amy Poehler: You can't move it by yourself, John? What are you, a fag? John Cusack: Come on, Amy, we don't have time, we're about to go on the air! [ John, Amy and Maya pull the bookshelf away from the wall, revealing the script laying against a tiny mysterious door in the middle of the wall ] John Cusack: What the..? Maya Rudolph: What is it, John? Amy Poehler: It's a little tiny door! Can't we just pop it open? [ John opens the door, and peers inside the dark, muddy passage on his hands and knees ] John Cusack: Alright, girls, stay close to me. There's only one way to find out what this thing is. [ John, Maya and Amy crawl into the portal, horrified at the softness of the earth within, when the door suddenly slams shut behind them. Their screams are muffled by a strange slurping sound, as the camera angle quickly zooms forward, revealing a mysterious office from a mysterious viewpoint. ] Maya Rudolph: Where are we, John? John Cusack: I don't know, Maya.. this is very strange.. [ camera angle shows a hand reaching for glass of Chardonney, which is raised to the camera's lips. Angle then moves about the room, stopping in front of a mirror, where it is now revealed that John, Maya and Amy are looking at the world from within the mind of Lorne Michaels. ] Lorne Michaels: Lorne, you dashing gent, you look like a million dollars. Every woman in the building wants a piece of you - even little Jimmy Fallon. Amy Poehler V/O: Lorne has a thing for Jimmy Fallon? Lorne Michaels: [ places pinky finger in mouth ] I have a thing for Jimmy Fallon. John Cusack V/O: Holy crap! You made him say what you said! Lorne Michaels: I made him say what I said! Maya Rudolph V/O: Let me try! Put Maya's character back in the Record Shop sketch! Lorne Michaels: Put Maya back in the Record Shop sketch! Tina Fey: [ off-screen ] Lorne? Are you alright? You're talking to yourself again. Lorne Michaels: [ turns head to reveal Tina Fey in his office ] Hello, Tina, please come in. Put Maya back in the Record Shop sketch! Tina Fey: [ confused ] Uh.. sure. We go live in three minutes - where is Maya, anyway? I can't find her or Amy or our host, John Cusack. John Cusack V/O: I love the way Tina says my name. Man, I'd like to do her. Kiss her, Lorne! Kiss her! Touch her left breast with your right hand! You've lusted for her for too long! Come on! I'm not a fag! Lorne Michaels: [ grabs Tina's left breast with his right hand ] Tina, I've lusted for you for too long.. kiss me.. kiss me, Tina.. I'm not a fag.. Tina Fey: [ shocked, a little nervous ] Uh.. okay. [ as Tina moves closer to Lorne, the camera angle quickly zooms backward, cutting to John, Maya and Amy falling to floor outside Lorne's office ] Lorne Michaels: [ rushing outside his office ] John? What the hell is going on?! John Cusack: Lorne, I can explain. You see, we found a portal in my dressing room that.. simulates the experience of.. of being you. Lorne Michaels: Simulates? John Cusack: Sure, after a fashion. Lorne Michaels: Let me try. John Cusack: You? Why, I'm sure it would pale in comparison to the actual experience.. Lorne Michaels: Let me try! John Cusack: [ hesitant ] Alright. This way. [ Lorne follows John to his dressing room, where the portal door is revealed to him ] Lorne Michaels: [ peeks into the slimy hole ] Christ. [ climbs in, the door closes behind him ] John Cusack: What happens when a man - especially one as powerful as Lorne Michaels - climbs through his own portal? Maya Rudolph: I don't know. But this isn't going to get me cut from the Record Shop sketch again, is it? [ inside the portal, Lorne crawls through the soft, muddy earth, unsure of what to expect. Suddenly, the slurping sound takes over, as Lorne is hurtled into the mysterious netherworld of his mind ] [ Lorne pops into the main stage of Studio 8-H, which he can see is surrounded by recurring character's from SNL's entire history. They begin to swarm toward him. ] [ view shows Lorne Michaels dressed in 1975 Weekend Update blazer with tousled hair ] Chevy Chase Lorne Michaels: Good evening. I'm Lorne Michaels, and you're not! [ Lorne turns his head to reveal himself as a Conehead ] Conehead Lorne Michaels: Greetings, Lorne Michaels. I am Lorne Michaels. I invite you to consume mass quantities of Lorne Michaels. Mip! Mip! [ Lorne turns his head to reveal himself as the Lounge Singer ] Lorne Michaels the Lounge Singer: [ singing "Star Wars" variant ] "Ahhhhh.. Lorne Michaels! Nothing but Lorne Michaels! Gimme that Lorne Michaels! Don't let it end! "Ahhhhh.. Lorne Michaels! If they should scorn Lorne Michaels! Please let Lorne Michaels!.. stay-aaaaay!" [ Lorne turns his head to reveal himself as a Male Prostitute ] Lorne Michaels, Male Prostitute: No ifs, ands or buts - you're spending the night with.. Lorne Michaels, Male Prostitute. [ Lorne turns his head to reveal himself as the two Festrunk Brothers ] Yortuk Lorne Michaels: Get off my back, Lorne Michaels, you big sex machine! Georg Lorne Michaels: We are.. two wild and crazy Lorne Michaels'! [ Lorne turns his head to reveal himself as the Jersey Guy ] Jersey Guy Lorne Michaels: I'm Lorne Michaels! hmm-ha-ha-ha!! Are you Lorne Michaels?! Hmm-ha-ha-ha!! [ Lorne turns his head to reveal himself as Buckwheat ] Buckwheat Lorne Michaels: Hey, Borne Dichaels. O-tay! [ Lorne turns his head to reveal himself as Gumby ] Gumby Lorne Michaels: I'm Lorne Michaels, dammit! [ Lorne turns his head to reveal himself as the Church Lady ] Church Lady Lorne Michaels: Hmm.. who do we have here? Hmm.. let's see, let's see.. I don't know.. could it be, oh I don't know.. [ echo ] Lorne MICHAELS?!! [ Lorne turns his head to reveal himself as Stuart Smalley ] Stuart Smalley Lorne Michaels: I'm gonna produce a good show tonight. Because I'm good enough.. I'm smart enough.. and, doggonit.. I'm Lorne Michaels! [ Lorne turns his head to reveal himself as Adam Sandler clutching a guitar ] Adam Sandler Lorne Michaels: [ singing made-up song ] "Love to be Lorne Michaels.. Love to pick his brain. Love to be Lorne Michaels.. But not Conrad Bain." [ Lorne turns his head to reveal himself as the Ladies Man ] Ladies Man Lorne Michaels: [ looks up ] Ooh-h-h.. it's Lorne Michaels! How you feeling tonight, Lorne Michaels? That is alright. I've got my Courvoisier, and my scented candles, and I am ready to make sweet love to you, Lorne Michaels! [ the camera angle quickly zooms backward, cutting to Lorne falling to floor outside his office; John is waiting for him ] John Cusack: So.. how was it? Lorne Michaels: That.. was.. no.. simulation. John Cusack: I know. I'm sorry.. Lorne Michaels: For what? It was my life as it should be, getting the respect I deserve! Not just from Jimmy Fallon or Tracy Morgan, but from everyone who has ever entered this floor. It's a feeling of joy.. of exhiliration.. of knowing that I am now, and will forever be, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch. |
