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Bradley ... John Cusack Kevin ... Horatio Sanz Francis ... Jimmie Fallon Andre ... Dean Edwards Winnie ... Maya Rudolph [Scene opens with a shot of a suburban house. It's a very nice neighborhood, very quiet. A caption reads: "Oaktree, Kansas." We go inside into a bedroom. Four teenagers are sitting inside, just hanging out.] Bradley: [A gangly looking kid in glasses] So do you guys have anything to do this weekend? Kevin: [A sad chubby kid] Nah, my parents are going out of town. That's about it. Francis: [A nerdy kid] Hey, maybe we could have a party here then? [Kevin ponders this idea] Kevin: Maybe. As long as we don't break stuff, it'd be okay. Bradley: Who else do we invite, other than just the four of us? Kevin: The four of us would be pretty fun. Andre: [interrupting] No way, man, we need some GIRLS there. Can't have a party without GIRLS. [They are all silent, thinking this over] Bradley: Does anyone know any girls? Kevin: My sister has some friends. Maybe they could come over. Andre: Dude, your sister is junior high. Aint no way I'm having a party with a bunch of thirteen year olds. [They are all silent, pondering their options] Bradley: This sucks. There's nothing to do around here. Kevin: We could go hang out at the library again. Bradley: The library SUCKS. I'm sorry, but we're in high school. We should have something FUN to do. [Kevin just scowls and shuts his mouth] Francis: Can anyone get a car? Andre: Nah, my parents put the Club on it. Won't tell me where the key is. Bradley: Crap. Andre: Sucks. Francis: I wish we had a mall. Bradley: Dude, I second that. There's nothing to do here. EVER. Andre: What do kids in other towns do? I mean, seriously, does everyone just sit around and talk about how it sucks? Kevin: Some towns have movie theaters. Francis: What do kids do in big cities? Like in California? [The are quiet, thinking this over] Kevin: I think all the kids are in street gangs out there. I saw a movie about it. Bradley: [excitedly] Oh yeah, I saw that too! That was awesome! Francis: [also excited] Hey guys, WE should be a gang! Bradley: Yeah! That would kick ass! We'd be the first gang in Oaktree! Francis: That's right! We'd rule the turf. Nobody would dare set foot here without our permission! [The initial excitement last for a few seconds, but then they are quiet. No one is sure what steps are required.] Bradley: Hey Andre, how do we form a gang? Andre: [surprised] Me? I don't know. Francis: Come on, man, help us out. Do we need to fill out some forms or something? Andre: Oh, I get it. Just cause I'm black, you think I know how gangs work? Bradley: Uh... YEAH. Andre: Man, I don't know. In case you haven't noticed, I'm ALSO from Oaktree, Kansas. I aint never seen a gang in my life. Bradley: [taking charge] Okay, I guess we're on our own here. The first thing we need is a name. Anyone have a good idea? [No one does] Bradley: Okay, how about the "Bombers" or something? Does that work? Kevin: [shaking his head] Nah, too boring. How about... [he pauses] The Oaktree Freedom Warriors. Andre: [wincing] We need something TOUGH. We'd get our asses kicked by the other gangs with that name. Kevin: Uh, there are no other gangs. Bradley: Shut up, he's right. We need a tough name. We gotta make sure we represent. Francis: How about "The Fists?" Bradley: See, that sounds like we are looking for a fight. I'm not sure we want to give out that message. We don't want to fight other gangs if we don't have to. Kevin: Um... there ARE no other gangs, guys. Andre: [ignoring him] How about our initials? We could spell out a word from our names. Bradley: [sounding it out] BAFK... no, hmm... FKAB... BAFK... it doesn't work for me. Kevin: You can take my name out. I don't want my name to be in the gang. Bradley: Okay! There we go. "FAB." Francis. Andre. Bradley. It works, great idea! Andre: [upset] Why does Francis have his name first? Is he our leader? Bradley: No, it just works best that way. It spells out better. Francis: [angry] Yeah, shut up, Andre, you think YOU'RE our leader? Bradley: [pushing them apart with his hands] STOP! Look guys, we can't have all this infighting already. This is the kind of stuff that can tear a gang apart! Andre: Well, what if I want to be leader? Bradley: I don't know. We'll work something out. Maybe we can have a promotion system, or a work incentive program. I don't know, this will come out when we draw up our rules and constitution. Kevin: [scoffing] Gangs don't have a constitution. Bradley: Sure they do. You have to have rules. Kevin: Like what? Francis: Like drugs. We need to get some drugs, and sell them. That's how we make our money. Bradley: Good idea. Andre, where do we get some drugs? Andre: [angry] Look, I TOLD you. I've NEVER been in a gang before. I couldn't even tell you what drugs LOOK like. Bradley: Okay, hmmm... we should probably get some of the hard stuff first, that's where the big money is. Anyone know where we can get some crack? [They are all silent] Bradley: Damnit. That's gonna be a problem. Okay, someone write down "crack." We need to find some. Maybe we can find some over in Iowa. Francis: We need some bitches! Every gang has gang bitches! Bradley: [nodding] Good idea. We need to get some bitches. Anyone know of any good gang bitches around here? [They are all silent] Bradley: Kevin, what about your sister? Is she home? Kevin: [upset] Look, my sister isn't going to be one of our gang bitches! Nuh-uh. No way! Bradley: C'mon, man. At least ask her. [whining] We can't have a gang without bitches! [Kevin stands up and stomps over to the door. He opens it up and calls her over.] Kevin: Hey, Winnie. C'mere. [Kevin's sister pops in the door. She is young and very shy looking] Winnie: Hi Kevin. Hi Bradley. Bradley: Hi Winnie. You want to be in our gang? [Winnie smiles. She obviously has a crush on him] Winnie: Sure! Bradley: Okay, there ya go. Thanks, Winnie. [Kevin closes the door and it is just the four boys again.] Francis: We don't have to add her initial to the gang name, do we? Andre: No, your name still gets to come first, ya little crybaby. Bradley: [ignoring them] Okay, we got our gang name, our members, our first gang bitch, and we're gonna get some crack. Now what? Francis: We need some guns. For when we need to do a drive-by shooting. Kevin: [incredulous] Who are we gonna shoot? Who are we fighting? Bradley: We may not have enemies now, but the time will come when we will need to kill. It's just the nature of hardcore urban street warfare. Kevin: We're not urban! We're not hardcore! Francis: [ignoring him] My dad has a hunting musket. Kevin: [laughing out loud] Yeah that will look great, drive by with a big old musket sticking out the car. What are we, pirates? Andre: It don't matter. We don't have a car, anyway. I don't know if drive-bys will work for us. Bradley: [accepting this] Okay, we won't be a drive-by gang. If we need to kill, we will just have to do with the old fashioned way. Francis: Should I get the musket anyway? Bradley: Yeah, sure. We need to stockpile weapons, just in case someone tries to jack us up. [They are all quiet. The big issues have been decided.] Francis: Well, I guess that's that. Oaktree is now our turf. We need to start tagging, let people know. Anyone got some spray paint? [They are silent] Kevin: Nope. Bradley: Damn, I don't even know if anywhere sells it. Francis: They don't sell it at Earl's Feed Basin? Kevin: Nope. Andre: Crap. [A moment of silence to ponder this] Francis: Um... I could get my dad's painting kit. It's just a regular brush, but we could paint our names on walls and stuff. Bradley: That sucks. I'm not tagging with a paintbrush. Who do I look like, fricking Huck Finn? Andre: Yeah, screw that. If we don't have spray paint, I don't want to be in the gang. Bradley: Awww, cripes. Francis: Besides, we'd have to buy paint. My dad saves the red stuff for the barn. Can't use it. Bradley: And we don't have any money until we sell some drugs! Andre: Awwww, crap. [pause] Well, guess that's it. Francis: [shaking his head, sadly] The death of a gang. Bradley: Yeah man, we had something special there. It's too bad, we would have ruled this town. Francis: Well, it's probably best, I didn't want to go to jail. Or die young. We could have been in a shootout or something. Bradley: Yeah, that would have sucked. [They are all silent, just sitting around again] Bradley: So, anyone think of something to do? Kevin: We could go hang out at the library again. Bradley: Yeah, cool, let's go. [They all leave the room] [end] Rate or review this sketch. |
