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Dennis Miller.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tracy Morgan Girl 1.....Rachel Dratch Girl 2.....Amy Poehler Girl 3.....Maya Rudolph .....Tina Fey .....Mr. Tina Fey [Scene begins with Dennis Miller standing in front of a nondescript background.] Dennis Miller: Hello. I'm Dennis Miller. Of course you probably already knew that. Unless you happen to be thicker than the product of molasses and Hershey's chocolate syrup, that's been left sitting in an ice box somewhere in an Antarctic research station in the middle of cold and flu season. Ha, [beep sound effect] you. I'm here to show you how to pick up chicks. That's right, and I'm not talking about alzari les senoritas, I'm talkin' about how to bang yourself a mamasita. [holding up book] All you need is right here. It's called 'Aaaayh, Pick Up Chicks The Dennis Miller Way'. I'm a married man, you're a pathetic loser and this is my gift to you. 50 pickup lines that can't fail. [walks over to bar scene] I've divided it into 3 sections. Amateur, Pro and Alex Trebek. As you get more confident you can work your way up from dumb hos to smart sluts. And here to help me illustrate my point, my good friend Trevor Morgan. [Enter Tracy Morgan] Tracy Morgan: Heh. That's Tracy, man. Dennis Miller: Tracy? Isn't that a girl's name? Tracy Morgan: Hey! Dennis Miller: Hey c'mon I was just kidding around, don't start crying on me. Heh, anyways me and 'Tracy' are here at a local club to prove my point. He'll be using a line from my Amateur section. [Tracy Morgan walks over and sits next to Girl 1 who turns to the side to face him.] Tracy Morgan: Hello. Has anyone ever told you how wonderfully blue your eyes are? I'll bet they're even bluer than Napoleon's balls as he rode away from Moscow dodging gunfire from his own troops. Girl 1: Wow...thanks. My eyes are brown, but I'd love to come back to your place. [Tracy gets up abruptly and walks over and stands next to Dennis Miller. Girl 1 watches with confused look.] Tracy Morgan: Damn, she was stupid. Dennis Miller: She certainly was. Heh heh. Alright now we'll move over here and Tracy will illustrate a line from the Pro section of my book. [Shot widens to reveal Girl 2 sitting down at bar. Tracy Morgan walks over to her and sits down.] Tracy Morgan: Hey baby. What's a foxy girl like you doing in a hole like this? Unless this is a foxhole. Heh heh, but if it is, then you should be outside of it, cause you're da bomb baby! Fire in the hole! Girl 2: My gosh. I sort of understand your reference and am so flattered. Take me now! [Tracy Morgan gets up abruptly again and walks over to Dennis Miller. Girl 2 watches with confused look. Shot narrows to show only Tracy and Dennis.] Tracy Morgan: Worked like a charm. Dennis Miller: Alright don't get cocky. Heh. Here's the big test. Don't mess it up. Tracy will be working from the Alex Trebek section of the book. [Shot widens to reveal Girl 3 sitting down at bar. Tracy Morgan walks over to her and sits down.] Tracy Morgan: Hi there. Damn, your looks are as deadly as an Aztec fiesta night. From the moment I saw you I was your prisoner. When you looked at me I could feel my still beating heart being torn from my ribcage. Now before my heartless corpse tumbles down the temple steps of the feathered serpent, as another bloody casualty of love, how about we get to know each other a little better? Girl 3: Mmm, I find your intellectualism positively stimulating. Is there any way I can stimulate you? Fancy some fellatio? (Tracy Morgan gets up abruptly again and walks over to Dennis Miller. Girl 3 watches with confused look. Shot narrows to show only Tracy and Dennis.) Tracy Morgan: Damn she was intelligent and hot and thanks to this book [holds up book], which I co-produced, I won her over. [turning to Dennis] Too bad I'm allergic to fellatios. Dennis Miller: [double take] But hey you don't have to take our word for it. Here's an unsolicited endorsement from someone you might know. [Cut to Mr. Tina Fey standing in front of some nondescript scenery.] Mr. Tina Fey: Hi, I'm Mr. Tina Fey. Before I got help from Dennis, I was a complete nobody. Chicks did not dig me at all. I asked Dennis for help. What a life saver! The very next night I went out and saw Tina Fey sitting at the bar drinking heavily. I walked up to her and tried one of Dennis' lines. Did it work? Well, I am Mr. Tina Fey. I get to see her naked every night. Of course sometimes she keeps the glasses on! [winks and smiles knowingly] And it's all thanks to Dennis. Isn't that right, Tina. [Enter Tina Fey...but wait she's married!] Tina Fey: Yeah, I guess. Thanks Dennis...but to be honest guys, I didn't know what the heck he was talking about. I just thought he had a nice ass. [Tina leans back to check out Mr. Tina Fey's butt.] [Cut to tight shot of Dennis Miller.] Dennis Miller: Thank you Tina, yiu backstabbing bitch. Not since Brutus met up with his pal Casear to thank him for the cool dagger he got him, have I seen such loyalty. Anyways, buy my damn book. Don't even bother looking for it at the library cause you won't find it there. I'm gonna go around to all the libraries and take it out if I find it. Then I'm gonna tell the library I lost it. I'll pay a fine but it will be the amount of the book. And it's my book. So I come out even but the library is out a book! Which means all you freereaders will have to go out and buy it. Now you ask yourself, does that even make sense? It doesn't matter if it does or not cause I'm Dennis Miller and I am outta here. Buy my book. [shot widens a bit to reveal Tracy Morgan.] Tracy Morgan: [Gives Dennis Miller a patented Martin Short low hug.] You mean our book. [Superimpose picture of Dennis Miller's book and 'In Stores Now' graphic.] Dennis Miller: Yeah okay our book...c'mon Tracy you're ruinning the threads man... [fade out] Rate or review this sketch. |
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