|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Colby ... Matt Damon Tina ... Amy Poehler Dad ... Horatio Sanz Mom ... Maya Rudolph [Open with exterior shot of a house, we pan inside to the living room.] Dad: [giving Colby a firm handshake] So, it's great to finally meet you, boy! My Tina has told me so much about you. Colby: Thank you, sir. Tina's a special girl. Mom: So glad you two could come over for dinner. We were really hoping Tina would bring you by sometime. [she smiles] We wanted to know what she had been hiding from us. [Mom and dad laugh. Tina looks embarrassed.] Tina: Mom! I wasn't hiding anything. We just had to make sure it was the right time. Mom: Well, speaking of the right time, I think I hear the oven buzzing. I believe dinner is served. Colby, would you like anything to drink? Colby: [very polite] Oh, no thank you, Mrs. Mustard. I'll have whatever the rest of you are having. [Mom and dad retreat to the kitchen. Colby and Tina stay behind.] Tina: [reassuring him] Okay, you're doing fine. Just keep calling him "sir" and you will be okay. Colby: [shaky] I'm still a little nervous. What if I say something wrong? Tina: Don't worry about it. He's just a big teddy bear. He just comes off a little blunt sometimes because that's the way he is. Trust me, he LIKES you. You would know if he didn't. [She leans over and kisses him] Just be yourself, they will love you. [The four people meet in the dining room. They all sit down at the table, with Colby across from Mr. Mustard] Dad: Can I get you come pot roast, son? Colby: Oh, no thank you sir, I don't really eat red meat. Dad: [chuckling to his wife] Don't eat meat? Look here, we've got ourselves a regular vegetarialite at the table. Colby: Oh no, it's just red meat, sir. I try to eat healthy. Dad: [spooning out pot roast] Well, son, let me tell you something. Back when I was in the military, we used to get two choices for our supper. Potted meat or jack squat. If you didn't like meat, you might as well get the hell out, cause you weren't no soldier. Colby: [smiling slightly] Well it's a good thing I'm not in the military, sir. Dad: [a little more serious now] DAMN good thing. Tina: [changing the subject] Mom, could you pass the corn, please? Dad: What do you do, son? Tina tells us you are a student? Colby: Yes, sir. I'm studying modern dance. I intend to open my own studio some day. I'll be graduating next year and hope to attend the Academy for the Arts afterwards. Tina: He's very, very good. You should see him some time. Dad: [after staring at him for a moment] Dance, huh? Colby: [smiling] Yes, sir. Dad: [chuckling] Diane, that reminds me of a funny story. Remember that time the boys at the base went into town? Remember when we ran into those fancy college boys? Mom: [giggling] Oh, I remember that. Oh, this is a funny story. You kids will like it. Dad: Yeah, you see, we go into town with the intent to drink a little, and maybe get into a brawl with some of them fancy city boys. Mom: [smiling] You really gave them a thrashing, didn't you? Dad: [on a roll now] Yeah, so we see these kids all hanging out in a bar, and one of them looked like he laughed at my buddy, Crash. So Crash walks over and cracks him over the skull with a chair. He just clobbered the guy. The kid goes down like a shot, cause, you know, Crash really let him have it. [Mom giggles] Dad: So the little fancy boy drops like an anchor, and his pal walks over and threatens to call the cops. I tell the guy, how about I bust you in the mouth, ya little patsy. And I pop him one, right in his pretty mouth. POW! [As he yells "POW," Colby visibly jumps in his seat] Dad: [He holds up his right fist] You see that ring, boy? If you look close, you can still see his little fancy college teeth imbedded in it. Colby: [not sure how to respond] Wow, good job. Dad: Yeah you didn't mess with the soldiers, they knew that for DAMN SURE in town. That's a MAN'S profession. I don't mean to say nothing bad about being a dancer, but soldiering, that's the honorable way to make your living. Dancing's like, for a girl. You know? Colby: [not sure what to say] Uh, what branch were you in, sir? The Army? Dad: Damn straight, skippy. United States Army. Rose to the rank of Colonel before I retired. With honors, I might add. Colby: Wow, I had no idea. Congratulations, Colonel... Mustard. [He stops and starts to snicker] Colonel Mustard? [Tina quickly shakes her head at him. She mouths the words "NO!"] Dad: [deadly serious now] Yes. Colonel Mustard. You find that amusing? Colby: [raising his hand to cover his mouth. He is fighting a laugh] No, sir. I just was thinking of a joke I heard earlier today. Nothing funny about your name, sir. Dad: Boy, you put your hand down from your face right now, or I will smack you. You don't mock me in my house. [Colby lowers his hand. He is clearly about to burst.] Dad: Do you have something funny you'd like to share with us, son? Colby: [trying REALLY hard not to laugh] No, sir. Not funny at all... sir... Colonel Mustard, sir. [He snickers again, his face turning purple from restraint.] Dad: Are you looking to get smacked? You don't have a clue, do you, son? [Colby finally cracks up at his use of the word "Clue."] Colby: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sir. It's just a funny name. I'm sure you get this all the time. Dad: Get what? Smart-ass punks disrespecting me at my own table? [He stands up and rolls up his sleeves, ready to fight.] Colby: The board game, Clue. You have the same name as one of the characters. Colonel Mustard. [He wipes tears from his eye as he laughs.] [Dad and mom look at each other. They shake their heads.] Dad: Never heard of it. Is it one of your fancy college games, boy? Colby: [settling down] I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it's just a game. I apologize, I won't laugh again. Dad: [sitting down and glaring at Colby for a while before speaking] What do you two have planned for this weekend? Going dancing somewhere, I imagine? Colby: We're stopping by to visit my mom after this. [The Colonel puts his hand to his eyes and looks really sad all of a sudden.] Colby: Sir? Mom: I'm sorry, Colby. His mother died two days ago. He's still having a hard time dealing with it. Colby: Oh, I apologize, sir. No offense intended. Dad: [wiping his eyes] That woman was a saint. Colby: I'm sure she was, Colonel... [he can't resist].. Mustard. [He starts to snicker again]. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Dad: Okay, that's it! [He takes off his belt and wraps it around his fist.] Colby: Look, I'm sorry! I can't help it. Please just chill out! Just chill, sir, it's cool! [The dad gets a very angry look on his face. He turns beet red.] Mom: I'm sorry, Colby, you didn't know. You shouldn't use the word "chill" around him. His mother froze to death. That's how she died. Colby: [moaning softly] Uhhhhh... I'm so sorry. I didn't know. Please don't hit me, sir. [The dad sits down, just glaring at Colby.] Tina: [changing the subject again] Mom, dad, Colby and I have something to tell you. Colby: Uh, Tina, I'm not sure this is the right time. Tina: Well, we've been dating for six months now at school, and we really love each other, and... well... [she lifts up her hand to show them a ring]... and yesterday he proposed to me. Mom: [very excited] Oh, Tina! Congratulations! [They clutch hands across the table and smile] When is the wedding? Colby: We intended on having it next summer on a cruise ship. Out at sea. Dad: [suddenly very angry] You sick son of a bitch! [He stands up, rushing over, and grabs Colby by the throat.] Mom: Once again, Colby, I'm sorry. You couldn't have known. His mother fell off a cruise ship. That's how she died. She got hypothermia in the water and froze to death. [The dad clutches Colby by the throat and lifts him slightly] Colby: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! How could I know that?? Dad: [holding up a fork] I will stab you in the skull with this fork if you don't apologize. Colby: I apologize to your mother! I apologize a million times! I'm an idiot! A fool! A stupid bastard! [The dad smacks Colby in the face, HARD. Colby falls off his chair onto the floor.] Mom: [leaning over to address Colby on the floor] His mother never married before she had him. So that means he is technically a bastard. Again, I'm sorry. You couldn't have known. [The dad walks over to his chair, and everyone sits down again. He is FUMING. Colby sits down on his own chair, his shirt torn and a welt on his face.] Mom: So... anyone for dessert? Tina: Mmmm, that sounds good. [The dad just continues to glare at Colby, who looks down at the floor] Mom: Apple pie, anyone? Colby: No thanks, ma'am. I think I should be going soon. Dad: You ungrateful little turd! [He stands up and grabs a fork again.] [Colby jumps up out of his chair, ready to run. The Colonel starts chasing him, around and around the table. Colby just avoids his reach as they circle the table.] Mom: [talking over them as they run in a circle] I'm sorry, Colby. His mother grew these apples. It was the last crop she gave us, and she wanted us to make a special pie out of them. Again, I'm sorry. [She starts spooning out the pie. Colby and the Colonel are getting tired now and slow down. Colby still hasn't been caught.] Mom: Now, you boys just sit down. There's lots of pie here. Colby: No thanks, ma'am! [He stops at one end of the table, catching his breath.] I have to get home and... uh... wash my car tonight. [Mom and Tina suck in air, as if shocked. There is dead silence in the room.] Colby: What? Wash my car? Did your mom die washing her car too? Jesus! Mom: His mother was fired from her job at a car wash just before she died. She was so depressed, she took a cruise. That's how she died. Colby: How the HELL would I know that? Dad: Get out of my house, boy. Get out NOW! Colby: This house sucks, I'm leaving. Forget this. [The dad pounds his fist on the table and suddenly walks out of the room, angrily] Mom: Uh, Colby... his mother built this house. She was a carpenter before she worked at the car wash. Again, I'm sorry. Tina: He's probably off getting his gun now. You might want to leave. Mom: Yeah, once the gun comes out, it's not fun anymore. That's what happened to Tina's last boyfriend. [She points to the wall] See that red stain on the vase over there? [Sne sniffs] Poor Keith. Colby: Uh... um... [he looks around] Yeah. [He bolts out of the room. We hear the front door slam.] [The dad returns, a shotgun in one hand.] Dad: [looking around] He leave? Mom: Yeah. Dad: Do you think he bought it? Mom: I think he crapped his pants. [Dad and mom crack up.] Dad: Man, I love doing that to your boyfriends. It never gets old. Tina: You guys crossed the line with this one! Mom: Nah, we had it all planned out. That was fun. Dad: That was genius. "Yeah, his mother froze to death." [They all laugh] Dad: Okay, let's dig into that pie. Tina, call him over for dinner tomorrow. We'll all laugh about this. Maybe I'll invite grandma over too, she will get a kick out of it. Mom: Unless she fell off a cruise ship. [They all laugh as they eat their pie] [end] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
