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El-Amir the puppet.....Elmo (cameo) Angry Arab Voice.....Darrell Hammond Kid #1.....Maya Rudolph Kid #2.....Matt Damon Kid #3.....Seth Myers [Opens with a cartoon drawing of a cave, with a cartoon red puppet in the window. The words "el-Amir's World" are written in crayon. It's a perfect spot-on parody of "Elmo's World."] Voiceover: [singing] La LA, la LA. La LA, la LA. El-Amir's World. La LA, la LA. La LA, la LA. EL-AMIR'S WORLD! El-Amir loves Jihad. And Allah tooooo. That's el-Amir's worlllllllld!. [El-Amir comes onto the screen. He looks just like Elmo, except he has a long beard and rags on his head. He is in a cave. A group of Arab children is also present in the cave, standing behind him. They all hold guns and ammo is strapped across their chest, and wear traditional Muslim dress.] El-Amir: [a very high pitched voice, very enthusiastic] Hi, boys and girls! Elmo is in Pakistan today! Welcome to Elmo's World! Elmo loves you! Hee hee hee. Angry Arab Voice Offscreen: No, you are no longer Elmo! Your name is now el-Amir! No more Elmo! Now, do your show. Entertain our children. If you do well, we may release you. El-Amir: [looking nervously off camera at somebody] Uh… um… [a little off his game] Uh… Hi kids! El-Amir loves you! Do you know what el-Amir is thinking about today? [He looks at the kids. They remain stonefaced. No one smiles.] El-Amir: That's right, el-Amir is thinking about how he was kidnapped! How he was taken from New York and ended up here in Pakistan, at gunpoint. How he is being forced to perform this show, against his will! Angry Arab Voice Offscreen: You were not kidnapped. You are… [stopping to confer with another person] You are a diplomatic guest. You have offered to spread to word of Allah to the world. Or you will die. El-Amir: Oh yes, Elmo was confused. Elmo apologizes. Elmo LOVES Pakistan. And today Elmo is thinking about flowers! Elmo LOVES flowers! Angry Arab Voice Offscreen: [furious] El-Amir! EL-AMIR! EL-AMIR!!! I am warning you, puppet, do not defy us! I will shoot you in the head. No more Elmo! Your name is now el-Amir! You are now a holy soldier, working for Allah! [El-Amir looks off camera at someone, gulps, looks back at the camera. We hear an ominous "click" of a gun being cocked.] El-Amir: Uh…. El-Amir LOVES to water flowers. [His eyes keep darting nervously to someone off camera] They are so pretty. Kids, do YOU know how to water a flower? [The three kids stand there, stonefaced. El-Amir walks over to the first child, a little girl in a full burka.] El-Amir: Hi there, little girl. How do YOU water a flower? [She remains silent. She just stares straight ahead.] Kid #2: [monotone voice, as if brainwashed] She is not allowed to speak. As a female, her tongue was removed at birth. El-Amir: [stunned] Oh… um… well… [long pause] Okaaaay. Then how do YOU water a flower, little boy? Kid #2: [monotone] I am Mohammed. I give my life for Allah. Your question is pointless. We do not water flowers. We are not even permitted to gaze at flowers. It is against the will of Allah. Flowers are the tool of the evil western world, sent to destroy our culture. El-Amir: Oh. Uh… [Looks around for someone to talk to. He utters a forced laugh] Hee hee hee. Does anyone here like flowers? Kid #3: [also in monotone, as if brainwashed] My name is also Mohammed. I do not look upon flowers, as their delicate beauty may inspire feelings of beauty and sexual thoughts. Allah will strike me down if I have such feelings, as he will you. I maintain my purity for Allah. El-Amir: [panicking now] It's okay, El-Amir doesn't really like flowers anyway. El-Amir HATES flowers. But El-Amir LOVES Allah. Do you love Allah? Kid #3: [a tad angry] Of course. If we do not love Allah we are destroyed. Kid #2: We love Allah, and we hate Jews. That is also required. El-Amir: [wanting to drop this subject] Okaaaaay. Let's do something else, okay? [Looking around] Hey, let's talk to a baby. [A baby is wheeled out in a rickety high chair. He holds a toy machine gun.] El-Amir: Hi, baby! Baby, what do YOU love to do? [The baby looks at el-Amir and shrieks. The baby is wheeled away as a stagehand covers the baby's eyes.] Kid #3: [monotone] Babies are not permitted to play with puppets. It is against the will of Allah. El-Amir: Um…. [long pause] What's wrong with puppets? Elmo is a puppet. Angry Arab Voice Offscreen: El-Amir! Your name is now el-Amir! Kid #2: Puppets are burned as symbols of western excess. Angry Arab Voice Offscreen: No, no, do not listen to the boy! He lies! Do your show. If you succeed in spreading the will of Allah to our children, we will release you. You have our word. You will not be burned if you submit to Allah and denounce America. El-Amir: [looking at the camera and shuddering] Um…. Sure. [He looks from side to side, for a route to escape] Okayyyy. Uh… let's talk to Mister Noodle. Mister Noodle? Mister Noodle, how do YOU spread the word of Allah? [Elmo opens a window behind him, expecting to see Mr. Noodle. But the window is empty.] El-Amir: Uh… Mr. Noodle? [Looks closer inside the window.] Angry Arab Voice Offscreen: Your friend, Noodle, was caught with propaganda American literature in his cell. He was branded a dissident and stoned. His head currently sits atop the armaments of our fortress. Now, continue your show, puppet. [El-Amir turns and looks at the camera. He softly whispers these words to us: "Help me."] Angry Arab Voice Offscreen: No trickery! Do not speak in code! [A hand reaches from offscreen and hands Elmo a piece of paper] Now, you must read this. El-Amir: [reading off a piece of paper] "I am el-Amir. I am a loyal follower of Allah and submit to the way of the sword. I lay down my life for him. Our cause is just. We will wage Holy War against the evil western influence. El-Amir LOVES Holy War. Elmo LOVES Mecca. And do you know what else el-Amir loves? El-Amir LOVES martyrdom! Hee hee hee" [He reads "hee hee hee" instead of laughing it]. [He pauses and then repeats to himself] Elmo loves martyrdom? [His eyes get real wide] [We hear a sound of a gun being cocked again, off-screen.] El-Amir: Screw that! Elmo's getting out of here! [Elmo turns and flees off camera. We hear sounds of a chase. Lots of bonks and crashes and screams. Elmo flees this way and that, running in and out of the screen. Several Arabs chase him.] Angry Arab Voice Offscreen: Come back here, puppet! Get him! Do not fear death, you must embrace it! [Chaos ensues as Elmo again and again eludes capture. They are still chasing him as the credits start to roll again.] Voiceover: [singing] "El-Amir loves Jihad. And Allah tooooooo! That's El-Amir's Worllllllld!"] [end] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
