|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Environmentalist.....Maya Rudolph Date.....Matt Damon [ open on interior, environmentalist's apartment; various "Save The Wildlife" posters adorn the walls behind the main furniture set in foreground ] [ Environmentalist enters with Date in tow ] Environmentalist: I had a really great time tonight! Date: Yeah.. me, too.. Environmentalist: Oh hey, I'm sorry you had to eat vegetarian with me. But I can't enjoy myself on a date if I'm with someone who's eating cooked animal carcasses. Date: Well, that eloquent description pretty much sums up why I joined you on the tofu platter. Ah, what's the difference.. I get to eat plenty of meat at home. Environmentalist: I'd prefer it if you didn't eat any meat at all, but we'll save that for another time. Anyway, would you like some coffee? Date: Uh, sure.. as long as it's not ground from baby squirrels. Environmentalist: [ laughs ] No, silly! But I do pick my own grounds, from fresh Arabic leaves I grow on my back patio. Date: [ confused ] Why would you do that? They sell canisters of that stuff at the grocery store. Environmentalist: I never buy anything at the grocery store. Everything's mass produced in foreign countries by children for pennies an hour, half the produce is either damaged, expired or swarming with flies, and there's always idiot shoppers who either open packages or move things from one aisle to another so you couldn't find them even with a Geiger Counter. Date: You, uh.. you grow all your own groceries on your back patio? What about milk? I mean, surely you don't squeeze your milk from a cow on the back patio. Environmentalist: I don't drink milk. I believe the production of dairy products is an abuse of the bovine species. Also, I don't eat eggs; it appalls me that farmers would steal eggs from chickens, dispense the fetuses into a frying pan and serve the embryo sunny-side up. Absolutely disgusting. Date: Oh, you're absolutely right. And Hot Wings - who needs them. Environmentalist: [ sighs ] Okay, now you're mocking me, and I really don't appreciate that. Date: No, I wasn't mocking you at all! I have, uh.. sensitive taste buds.. and I can't eat spicy foods. Environmentalist: Oh. Well, I apologize, then. Mother Nature and Planet Earth are extremely important issues in my life, and it's really necessary that I find someone who shares these global concerns with me. Date: I totally understand. The average guy like me can see your point-of-view, and would also agree that it's necessary for you to find someone who shares your feelings on the subject. Environmentalist: Oh, I just hope you don't think I'm too kooky for being this concerned about the environment. Date: No, not at all. As long as you don't have a problem with my penchance for kinky sex. Environmentalist: [ extended pause ] Yeah.. Anyway.. I'm really concerned about the plight of the spotted owl, a species who's this close to extinction. Date: You don't say. Environmentalist: I certainly do. Did you know that I spearheaded over twenty national protests in regard to the declining population of the spotted owl in northwest forest territories. Date: Look, why don't we put the spotted owl aside for a minute, and have us some kinky sex? Environmentalist: [ outraged ] How can you possibly suggest that kinky sex has a higher priority than the plight of the spotted owl?! The two are in in no way relevant to one naother! Date: Yeah? Well, I'm more concerned about the plight of the unmasked beaver! Environmentalist: [ stunned, extended pause ] I think you'd better leave. I think you'd better leave. Date: What did I say? Environmentalist: I think you'd better leave. Date: How about a raincheck? Environmentalist: [ gives dirty glare ] Don't make me have to sic my pet spotted owl on you! Date: [ trying not to laugh ] Wha-at?! Environmentalist: [ opens door to kitchen cabinet, revealing a plush spotted owl ] Get him, Woody! He's tearing down your forest so he can build computers and look at porn! Get him! Date: [ throws up hands in surrender ] Alright, I'm leaving! [ heads for door ] Geez, you're a nut! [ opens door, looks back ] I, uh.. I don't suppose you're free Tuesday night? Environmentalist: Woody! [ begins to imitate owl hoots ] Hoot! Hoot! Squawk! Squawk! Date: Okay, owls do not squawk, alright? Anyway.. [ extends arm, points ] Good seeing ya! [ closes door behind him, leaving Enviromentalist alone with her stuffed owl ] Environmentalist: [ grabs stuffed owl, holds it up like a child ] You don't think I was too hard on him, do you, Woody? Any kind of man's hard enough to find, without having to be picky about it, you know? Ah, maybe it's for the best. [ pause ] Listen.. I know you're seeing another stuffed animal, but.. do you have a cousin or something? Somebody who truly understands what my life's all about? You're a predator, aren't you? Keep your eyes open for me, alright? God, I could sure go for a burger right now.. [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
