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Husband.....Matt Damon Wife.....Maya Rudolph Man.....Seth Meyers Tourist.....Jeff Richards Woman.....Tina Fey [ open on exterior, hurricane evacuation in New Iberia, Louisiana - a local high school gym - as wind and rain howls in the early morning light ] [ SUPER: "New Iberia, Louisiana: Thursday Morning" ] [ dissolve to interior, Couple sitting on cots, surrounded by hundreds of other local evacuees ] Husband: If there's one thing I can't stand, it's the wait. I look forward to getting back home to inspect the damages. Ah hell, I can't hold out any longer. I need a smoke. [ takes out pack of cigarettes and a lighter ] Wife: Honey, no! Husband: Why the hell not? It's not like there's anything better to do in here, except sit on these flimsy-ass cots. Wife: Don't you see that sign on the wall? It says "No Smoking Allowed In The Gym. Please Go Outside." Husband: Outside?! There's a friggin' monsoon out there! Wife: Honey, it's only an itty-bitty hurricane. Husband: [ double-take, with cigarette dangling in his mouth ] Did you really just say "Itty-bitty"? Wife: Yes. And I meant it, too. There are other people in here, and you have to respect their rights to not be infected with second-hand smoke. Husband: Who here can't take the abuse of my enjoying a cigarette inside, where it's dry and warm? Wife: Well, there's that elderly man laying over by the bleachers with an oxygen machine. If you want to break the rules and kill him with your smothering stick, be my guest. But don't expect me to sit around waiting for you to get out of prison. Husband: Fine! I'll go outside! In the.. [ mocking ] ..itty-bitty hurricane! [ rises from his cot, and makes his way outside ] [ cut to exterior, hurricane evacuation center, where two other men and a woman stand outside in the howling wind and sideways rain, trying to smoke their cigarettes. One of the men casually smokes from a pipe. ] Man: Hey. You here to smoke? Husband: Yeah. Yeah, I am. I can't believe they wouldn't let us smoke inside. Man: I hear that. Stupid old man, with his stupid oxygen tank! Woman: Yeah, they should stick him out here, put him out of his misery. Tourist: [ biting pipe stem ] Now, now, people. Lest we forget, the air is better out here than in there. At least out here it doesn't smell like rotting jockstraps. Husband: [ staring at Tourist ] You don't sound like you're from the South. Tourist: Natch! I'm on vacation from Andover. My timing couldn't have been more off-kilter. My rental vehicle is on the far end of the parking lot, in case any of you are thirsty for some whiskey. Woman: Hey, that sounds nice.. [ puffs cigarette ] ..but one monkey at a time. Husband: [ struggling to light cigarette, but the strong winds keep extinguishing his lighter flame ] Dammit! I'll never light up this way! [ to the others ] You gotta help me! Man: Hey, cool out, man. Just hold your arms behind that drink machine. Jeez, when's the last time you had a hit? Husband: Not since this morning. God, I gotta get a grip on myself. Tourist: [ brandishes pipe confidentally ] And to think they guffawed at me for smoking a pipe. The flame stays in the cup, the same way the big city eastward holds all that flood water. Man: Alright, man, we said we'd stop making fun of you - especially if you've got whiskey in your car. Tourist: Oh, laddie, such a dry sense of humor. Woman: Yeah, that's the only thing dry around here! [ they all laugh ] Man: At least the hurricane's passing early in the morning. Woman: No kidding. I'd hate to be trapped without power in the middle of the night. Tourist: I'll vouch for that. It's unbearably difficult to read a magazine with nothing more than the light coming from one's pipe. Woman: [ taken aback ] Well.. I usually just carry a small pocket flashlight. Tourist: Suit yourself, Miss. To each his own. [ notices Husband fumbling with his lighter ] You there. Still not toked up yet? Husband: [ crumbling ] There's just too much wind and rain! I can't keep a flame going! [ a strong gust of wind blows the cigarette out of his mouth ] Oh, great! Now Lily's taking my cigarettes from me! You'll never get away with this, bitch! [ places another cigarette in his mouth, but it, too, gets blown into the rain ] Dammit!! Woman: Instead of getting yourself this worked up, why don't you just go outside and grab a cup of coffee. It'll relax you just the same. Husband: [ tense ] I.. need.. my.. nicotine..! [ grabs last cigarette out of his carton, sniffs the aroma ] Yuo're going to have to satisfy, baby. [ plces cigarette in his mouth, but the wind grabs it as well ] No-o-o-o-o-o-o!!!! I'm not giving in without a FIGHT!! [ runs out into the storm to retrieve his blown cigarettes ] Woman: [ as the winds suddenly pick up ] Hey, that's a dangerous Category 4 hurricane out there! come back here! Man: Let it go, man! You can bum one off of us! Husband's Voice: I want my cigarettes! [ the wind continues to pick up, as the sound of a tree splintering can be heard ] Man: Get away from that tree!! It's coming down!! [ the sound of the tree snapping, as well as the subsequent sound of a power line snapping in half and blowing fuses can be heard; lights visible in the shelter's interior hallway can be seen going out, as the faraway curdling scream of Husband's voice is heard. ] Woman: Oh, my God! [ turns her head away ] Man: Oh, God.. which do you think got him first - the tree, or the electrical shock? Tourist: I'm not sure, but I suppose it doesn't matter now. [ notices lights come in the interior hallway behind him ] Ah, the back-up generator lights have come on. All is definitely not lost. Woman: I've never seen anything so ghastly in my life.. Man: [ drops his cigarette to the pavement, and crushes it with his foot ] Well, looks like the statistics were right - smoking does kill. Woman: [ drops her cigarette to the pavement, and crushes it with her foot ] Yeah.. [ Man and Woman look at Tourist clenching his pipe ] Tourist: A solid conclusion - but let's not forget how dignified an appearance it creates for the beholder. Besides - he was a fool from the start. [ Man and Woman consider the statement ] Man: Yeah, you're right! Woman: What were we thinking?! [ Man and woman each retrieve a cigarette from their pockets and light back up ] Tourist: [ puffing vigorously ] It's going to be a beautiful day in a few hours. [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch. |
