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Scott Risdale.....Darrell Hammond Mohammar Al-Sharif.....Matt Damon Scott Risdale: Welcome back to "Life Today", where we interview the people who are turning life around us into news worth talking about. I'm your host, Scott Risdale. A year has come and gone since the World Trade Center attacks, and our guest today is someone for whom the attacks hit hard. Please welcome pilot Mohammar Al-Sharif - am I pronouncing that correct? Mohammar Al-Sharif: Yes, you've hit the nose right on the head. Scott Risdale: Okay, great. Uh.. you're Arabic, aren't you? Mohammar Al-Sharif: Yes. No, I was not responsible for September 11th. Scott Risdale: [ chuckles nervously ] I wasn't accusing you, Mohammar! We at "Life Today" like to think of ourselves as an unbiased panel- forgive me for asking, I shouldn't have overstepped my boundaries. Mohammar Al-Sharif: It's okay, I will forgive you - this time! Scott Risdale: Okay, so, now.. you're a pilot, correct? Mohammar Al-Sharif: Well, you might have been slightly mislead, Scott. Scott Risdale: Oh? Mohammar Al-Sharif: I fly planes, yes. But my primary occupation for the past couple years was as a suicide bomber. Scott Risdale: Past couple years? Now, wait a minute.. you're employed as a suicide bomber? This is a function you handled regularly? Mohammar Al-Sharif: I did. Most Arabs do not. By proxy, it's usually a one-time gig. Get plane in air, spot target, you die. [ ashamed ] But I'm not good at it. I cause mass destruction, but I walk away from the wreckage with barely a scratch. I'm an embarrassment to my family. Scott Risdale: Mohammer, you may be an embarrassment to your family, but I'm afraid you're also a fugitive in our country. What's the big idea of telling me you weren't responsible for September 11th? Mohammar Al-Sharif: I didn't lie to you, Scott. I was not in attendance for those specific attacks. I was actually on the beach, taking a personal day. Scott Risdale: Oh? I didn't realize suicide bombers had a benefits program. Mohammar Al-Sharif: They don't. But we don't get paid, either; where do you think we're going to spend the money - the gift shop in Hell? Given my track record for failure in my field, my superiors were perfectly willing to give me the day off. Scott Risdale: But you don't fear being used as a scapegoat for those attacks? Mohammar Al-Sharif: Why should I? I'm innocent! [ places pinky finger in mouth ] [ Mohammer and Scott both laugh uproariously at the suggestion ] Scott Risdale: That's not bad at all. Now, you also roomed with Ramzi Binalshibh and Mohamed Atta, right? Mohammar Al-Sharif: Amateurs, both of them. But.. they could knock down a building and have it collapse on top of them. I was not as lucky. Scott Risdale: Well, luck notwithstanding, you strike me as an intelligent, albeit dangerous young man. Have you considered other job possibilities? Mohammar Al-Sharif: Well, although my first love in life was Accounting, I always felt I was destined to become a lawyer. Scott Risdale: Did you take the Bar Exam? Mohammar Al-Sharif: Oh, I passed with flying colors, all right. But I was under tremendous pressure from my local government. All of our best suicide bombers never live to talk about it, and the task remains in high demand for centuries to come. Scott Risdale: Would the families of the suicide bombers needs legal support to avoid being sued by opposing countries? Mohammar Al-Sharif: There is no true legal system in effect in my home country; my dream was always to open a law office in London. Scott Risdale: So, until you're able to fully pursue this dream, you wil continue your work as a suicide bomber? Mohammar Al-Sharif: Actually, I'm about to be promoted to a desk job. It's the first time any kind of promotion has taken place in the suicide bombing field, so I'm very excited about it. Scott Risdale: What responsibilities have you been ladened with so far? Mohammar Al-Sharif: I'm not allowed to disclose any specific information.. but we'll be attacking France in the Spring. Scott Risdale: The entire country, or is there a specific target in mind? Mohammar Al-Sharif: As I said, I am not allowed to disclose any specific information. Scott Risdale: [ presumptious ] The Eiffel Tower. Mohammar Al-Sharif: [ shakes head ] You are tough, my friend. You realize, of course, that now I'll have to have you killed? Scott Risdale: Okay, but as long as you promise not to do it yourself. [ ducks ] Hey, where am I! Mohammar Al-Sharif: [ laughs ] Scott, you are such a kidder! Now, you srop that! Scott Risdale: [ re-adjusts in his seat ] I'm just having a little fun with ya'! I like to bring the house down myself, once in a while! Mohammar Al-Sharif: [ laughing ] That is so rich! Raise the roof! Scott Risdale: Mohammar, you're all right. You've got a sense of humor, and I find that damn refreshing! Mohammar Al-Sharif: Hey, I'm a walking suicide bomber - if I can't have a sense of humor, who can? Scott Risdale: Keep the faith, my friend. One day, you'll complete your mission. [ thinking ] Hey. Have you ever considered leading an attack on the Atlantic Ocean? Take a nosedive into the sea, and you'll show that bastard water who's boss! Mohammar Al-Sharif: I will organize my men in the morning! Scott Risdale: [ smiling slyly ] Hot dog! Mohammar, I can't thank you enough for being here this evening. Mohammar Al-Sharif: Thank you for having me, Scott, it has been my pleasure to be here! Scott Risdale: [ turns to the camera ] Join us tomorrow on "Life Today", when I'll interview former Hurricane Isadore. Until then, make the most out of life, while we make it.. "Life Today". Good night! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
