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Regan.....Amy Poehler Chloe.....Tina Fey Steven.....Matt Damon Beefy.....Chris Kattan Drunk.....Seth Meyers (Note: in case anyone doesn't get the Acadia references, it refers to the French people in the Maritime provinces) [establishing shot: small town, SUPER: "Somewhere in Eastern Canada"] [dissolve to: dilapidated building, with visible sign reading "White Donkey Saloon". The entrance to the bar is visible, and extras enter and exit this door throughout the sketch. Regan and Chloe are standing on the sidewalk about ten feet in front of the building, wearing revealing clothing.] Regan: ...so I says to Steven, "How much do ya expect me to make every night anyways?" I tells ya, Chloe, ol' Steve don't know jus' how bad the economy is here, him being from away an' all. Lousy A-murr-ican pimps...don't they know it's not as good here as it is in Grand Forks? Chloe: [heavy French-Canadian accent] Gran' Forks? What kinda name ees zat? Dem Americans an' dare food ob-ses-shawn... Regan: I knows! What's the deal? It's a sin... Anyhoo, things are gettin' pretty bad 'round here. I've had people pay me half uh what most people pay fer a quickie...an' that's fer the "regular"! Chloe: I get ze coupons for donuts 'alf ze time! 'Course I fake eet a lot more now after ze tenth cou-pon! Regan: Same here...what's yer move? Chloe: Screamin' "Vive L'acadie! Vive L'acadie!" ... les hommes canna tell ze diff-rahns most-uh ze time...et toi? Regan: I dunno if I'd get that excited but if I'm not gettin' paid the full rate, I wanna get it over with as soon as I can. [Drunk man stumbles out of the bar and approaches them] Aw yeah! Here comes a potential customer! Chloe: Wanna fill me wit' Acadian pride? Drunk: [slurred speech] What duzzat mean? Regan: You know... [Chloe and Regan whip out "For Rent" and "No Entering Without Business" signs and place them in front of their crotch areas] Drunk: Look ladies, I don't give 'er flyin' frig about what your sellin'...I jus' spent all ma money on draught an' the video lott'ry machines...[walks away] Chloe: Zut! At leas' he said 'e was broke, though... Regan: Ehh...the guy's so gone he prolly wouldn't know he was stiffin' us in more ways than one. Chloe: An' I don't think 'e could go at it wit-out puking. Regan: You got a point...[notices man walking by. He has a mullet and is missing a lot of his teeth, and wearing a wife-beater]. Hey, there's Beefy! Chloe: [calling] Monsieur! Beefy: Ay, Chloe! Regan! How's she goin'? Regan: Not really 'the very best' right now...haven't been able to turn a trick since las' Friday. An' that was when the nightclub was overcrowded. I tells ya, they should really make other things to do 'round here other than go dancin' ...or at least have some dancin' in other places than Jimmy-Sue's. But what can ya do? Chloe: Of course, Jimmy-Sue's is probably ze only place in town zat does not consider fiddle music as ze only type of music... Beefy: Mmm-hmm. Regan: So, Beefy, you gonna have "the usual"? Beefy: Uh-uh...had sex last month. Chloe: Zut! Regan: An' you don't wanna be seen wit' us 'round election time...bein' mayor must suck! Beefy: 'least it's a job. Better than what most people 'round here can say... Regan: True, true...anyways, good luck! [Beefy leaves] Pisses me off, I tells ya! The only ones that have money are the politicians! Chloe: [looks offscreen, then starts panicking panicking] Steven's here...zut!...merde! Steven: [enters from right, wearing pathetically cheap-looking pimp outfit] Ladies, you know what day it is. Regan: An' I thought I told ya that business is slow! Steven: You've been giving me that excuse for two months! Like I believe your sob-story about people in the town not having the money...I know that the Canadian dollar is only worth about three cents US, but come on! Wouldn't that mean you'd be getting the usual traffic? Chloe: Zis town is fulla prudes, I guess. Regan: It's not our fault mos' people in town are so friggin' old! Not really a lotta young, single, horny men in town, cause they all had to get jobs in the city, don't ya know... Chloe: An' most of ze old people have wives... Steven: So? A lot of married people get some on the side, if you know what I mean. Regan: An' the ones that do pick us up don't pay enough. Steven: Well, what have I told you about charging full price? Regan: Not my fault that people here are always broke! Steven: What kind of town is this anyways? I've seen people living in cardboard boxes that have been able to pay full price! Chloe: Course zey can. Zey do not have rent to pay! Steven: Excuses, excuses. Look, I'll give you one more week...but just because I'm from Grand Forks and not New York doesn't mean I won't slap some ho ass around...eventually. Try enforcing the prices for once! Remember, one week. [exits] Regan: [sarcastically] Well, he sure knows this town! Chloe: What do we give him? Ze coupons? Regan: I dunno...[beeper goes off] Oh damn, it almos' slipped my mind. I gotta get to the mill in a half an hour for ma shift! You goin' to the call center today? Chloe: Non...eet ees my day off. Regan: Awright...anyhoo, I gotta get dressed. Hello, supplement'ry income! [exits] [pull back; fade to black] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
