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Diane (Fiancee).....Sarah Michelle Gellar Bill (Fiance).....Jeff Richards Butler.....Seth Meyers Jennifer.....Faith Hill Wanda.....Tracy Morgan Charlene.....Amy Poehler Mr. Greaves.....Darrell Hammond [ open on Diane and Bill standing on front doorstep, Bill sweating profusely ] Bill: I don't understand why I have to be here. This is no place for me. I should be out somewhere with the guys.. Diane: Bill, this is our engagement party. My parents are hosting it, it's a very big deal! Bill: I know. I'm excited we're getting married and everything, but no one's going to care that I'm here. Diane: You're my fiance - why wouldn't anyone care that you're here? Bill: Because my role at this party is a very minor one. Just wait, you'll see. [ Butler answers the door ] Butler: Miss Greaves. How good of you to come. My God! Look at the size of that ring! That is just beautiful, congratulations to you! Diane: Thank you, Shamus. [ Diane enters, but the Butler stops Bill ] Butler: And who are you, sir? Bill: I'm Bill Ostrum. I'm the fiance.. the guy who gave Diane the engagement ring you were just admiring. Butler: [ mulls over the information ] If you insist, sir. Please enter. Bill: I'm not lying. I am the fiancee. Butler: Very good, sir. Just come in, and try not to ruin Miss Greaves' party. [ Bill enters the party area to catch up with Diane ] Jennifer's Voice: [ off-screen ] Diane! [ runs into scene, embracing Diane ] Diane: Jennifer! So good to see you! Jennifer: Diane, I am so happy for you! Let me look at that ring on your hand! [ looks ] Oh, my God, whoever gave you that did right by you! That is just terrific! Diane: Well, let me introduce you to my special guy. [ grabs Bill's arm ] This is my fiancee - Bill! Bill: Hi. Jennifer: [ stares blankly ] I once had a cat named Bill. Bill: [ already aware the conversation is going nowhere ] You don't say? Jennifer: [ sarcastic ] I did say. Just now. You heard me. Bill: Right.. Jennifer: Wow, you're not much different from my cat, are you? He wasn't a good listener, either. He got killed in a car accident, back in.. oh.. 1994, I believe - I know I was still in high school at the time. For whatever reason, Bill - my cat - decided the middle of the street was the perfect place to curl up for a nap. I told him a thousand times not to do that, because of the obvious traffic situation.. but, you tell him something, he just looks at you like you're a jackass. Car coming up behind him, Bill just stares into space like a moron. [ imitates her cat staring into space ] I yelled, "Bill, get out of the street, there's a car coming!" He just turned his head to look at me like he couldn't be less interested. [ imitates the look on her cat's face, head tilted to the side with eyes glazing ] And then the car came, and.. [ places drink on table, smacks her hands together ] ..WHAP!! I haven't owned a cat since. I figured, what's the point? Bill: [ speechless ] Well.. that was an.. an interesting story.. Jennifer: Yeah, I kind of leaned into it. [ to Diane ] Good luck, girl. Take good care of that rock, let me know how it's getting along. [ walks away ] Diane: [ to Bill ] That was Jennifer. We practically grew up together. Bill: Wonderful. Diane: Hey, what are you so sour about? Bill: Well, haven't you noticed? No one seems to be aware of my existence. [ Wanda runs into the scene ] Wanda: Girl, I heard you got yourself a ring! Diane: Yes, can you believe it! Bill asked me to marry him! Wanda: I didn't ask you about all that, girl - just show me the damn ring! [ Diane holds out her hand ] Oh, that's right! You got yourself something there! That is right where you want to be! Bill: [ meekly ] Hi.. I'm Bill. Wanda: Did you give Diane this ring? Bill: [ smiling ] Yes. Yes, I did. Wanda: You got good taste. I'll see you around, Diane. [ steps away to mingle ] Bill: I've got good taste? She did not ask anything about me - where I'm from, what I do for a living.. All she cared about was that I gave a fancy engagement ring. Diane: Well, I think she likes you. Bill: No, she likes the ring I gave you. That's what she likes. It didn't have to come from me personally. You could have bought it for yourself, and she'd still be just as thrilled. Diane: Oh, Bill, quit exaggerating. Look, here comes my friend Charlene. I'll show you where you're wrong. [ Charlene enters scene ] Charlene: Diane, look at you! I can't believe you're getting married! Diane: Yes, I'm so excited! Let me introduce you to- Charlene: [ mouth open wide as she stares at Diane's ring ] Oh, my! That is a nice piece of rock! Where'd you get it? Diane: [ wraps both arms around one of Bill's ] Bill gave it to me. [ Bill smiles proudly ] Charlene: No, I don't care who gave it to you. I just want to know what diamond emporium has that particular ring in stock, in case I want to get one of my own. Diane: Oh. Well, it's really more of an engagement ring. Charlene: I know. I'm sure I can find somebody who won't be able to say no. Bill: Wouldn't you rather you fell in love with someone first? Charlene: [ a pause ] Diane, who is this guy, and what is with his attitude. Diane: This is my fiance Bill. Charlene: [ looks Bill up and down ] Well, at least you got yourself a pretty nice ring. [ walks away ] Bill: Great. You're engaged to the Invisible Man. Diane: Oh, don't be silly, Bill! You know how shallow women are. [ eyes light up ] Daddy! [ Daddy comes forward ] Mr. Greaves: Princess! [ they hug ] Hold on, let me take a look at that ring. [ examines it thoroughly, complete with jeweler's magnifyer in eye ] How much did it cost. Diane: Daddy, it's not polite to ask that! Mr. Greaves: [ to Bill ] How much, kid? Bill: Uh.. uh.. $2,000, sir.. Mr. Greaves: Is that all my daughter's worth to you? $2,000? Living on a fixed income, are you? Diane: Daddy, that's not a nice thing to say. Mr. Greaves: He didn't answer my question. I said, are you living on a fixed income? Bill: [ meekly ] No.. sir.. Mr. Greaves: What? I can't hear you. What'd you say? [ grabs Bill in a headlock ] What'd you say! Bill: [ struggling ] No, sir! Let me go, sir! Mr. Greaves: [ lets go ] Calm down, you're making a scene! [ to Diane ] If you change your mind, keep the ring anyway. What the heck, you know? Diane: I'm not going to change my mind, Daddy. Mr. Greaves: [ sighs ] Fine. Suit yourself. [ grabs Diane's hand and holds it up to her face ] But you're still young, you could do better. [ walks away ] Bill: [ fuming ] That's it! I've had enough of this! Diane: Bill, don't make a scene.. Bill: I have to! [ claps his hands angrily to draw attention to himself; the room stops to stare at him ] Alright, listen! I have an announcement to make! My name is Bill Ostrum! You know me! You've seen me! I've been dating Diane for the past four years! You know that! You've seen us together every Christmas and Thanksgiving for the past four years! I have asked Diane to marry me, and none of you have noticed! Well, I have feelings, too! This engagement is not about a ring; it's about two people who love and support one another, and who want to spend the rest of their lives together! And you're going to be seeing me again and again until the day I die! [ everyone continues to stare, speechless; Diane's friends move closer to surround Bill ] Charlene: We're sorry we've been ignoring you, Bill. Wanda: Yeah, we were just so excited Diane's getting married, we wouldn't care if she was marrying the Boston Strangler. Jennifer: You're cute, too, though. She has good taste. Bill: [ gritting his teeth ] I don't want your pity! Jennifer: Oh, good. Wanda: Good. Charlene: No problem. Diane, can we see that ring again? Wanda: Yeah, show us the ring! Jennifer: I can't stop looking at it. Charlene: Have you picked a church yet? Wanda: How about a groom? Bill: [ sighs, exits party area ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
