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Editor.....Sarah Michelle Geller Walter.....Darrell Hammond Stanley.....Chris Parnell Carter.....Seth Meyers Russell.....Jeff Richards Frank.....Horatio Sanz Elizabeth.....Amy Poehler Pete.....Fred Armisen [ open in newsroom, staff gathered around huge table ] Editor: First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for showing up for today's meeting. We've got a lot to cover, and I'm glad you're all here to go over it with me. Russel: It was mandatory. Editor: Yes, I realize that. If I had specified in the memo that attendance was voluntary, how many of you would have shown up? [ only one hand is raised; Walter. ] Editor: Only Walter. And I'd rather not be alone in the office with Walter, therefore attendance was mandatory. [ pause ] Now.. as you know, I'm new around here. I used to be the Assistant Editor for the Baltimore Sun, and, though I'm very proud to be the new Editor for the Charleston Rag, we really need to talk about everyone's articles. As members of a newspaper staff, it is our duty to report on the facts without letting our personal opinions interfere with the work at hand. Walter: Stacy, may I remind you that we are the Editorial Department? We're supposed to give our thoughts on the issues at large. Editor: Yes, you are, Walter. But many of you have been going above and beyond the need for a personal statement on current issues. I quote from your recent article on Jerry Falwell: "When the Rev. Jerry Falwell labeled the prophet Muhammad a 'terrorist,' it was the latest and most inflammatory in a string of anti-Islam comments by conservative evangelical Christians." This was good, but then you followed it with: "Like Falwell has room to talk - everyone knows he's a Baptist fag." Walter: [ bewildered ] What? What's wrong with that? Editor: First of all, "Everyone knows" is a generalization. Everyone does not know; in fact, most people probably don't even think about it. Walter: Prove it! Editor: I don't need to prove it, Walter. Throwing grease on the fire is not as practical as putting it out with water. Walter: [ confused ] What's that supposed to mean? Stanley: [ a bearded man ] Idiot! Editor: Not so fast, Stanley. You went over the line, as well, in your editorial regarding Bush's futile efforts to discover the secret whereabouts of Saddam Hussein or bin Laden. Your column became especially offensive when you wrote: "If President Bush were any dumber, he'd be Polish." Stanley: It was just an opinion! I'm not proclaiming it as a fact! Walter: I'm Polish, you jerk! Stanley: It's not about you! It was just a joke! Walter: [ stands ] Those are fighting words. Stanley: You do not want to mess with me. Walter: [ pulls his glasses off ] Bring it on! Stanley: Alright. [ stands ] Alright, you'll be sorry! [ reaches behind ear, pulls out hearing aid and throws it on the table ] Carter: [ interceding ] Come on, guys, don't fight! Stanley: Back off, moron! Carter: You think I'm a moron, eh? That's it! Now, you have to deal with me! [ reaches at left eye with hand, then drops a glass eye onto the table as he squints at his opponents ] Last man standing wins! Russell: [ stands as well ] I'll take on all three of you chumps! [ pulls dentures out of his mouth, drops them on the table as he mumbles ] Fwoo's eddy ta fie? Editor: [ angry ] Russell!! Okay! Everyone, sit! I am trying to conduct a civilized meeting here! Frank: [ stands ] Let me take care of it, Stace. All I need is a weapon to put these guys in line! [ uses left arm to remove prosthetic right arm from shoulder, which he holds up like a club ] Now, everyone sit - or I'll whack ya's! Carter: [ squinting ferociously ] Come on, Frank! Put that thing away! Or else, you'll be dealing with my wrath! [ swats at his head, knocking toupee to the floor ] Frank: [ stunned ] Dude.. I didn't know you wore a toupee. Carter: Now you know how serious I am. I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it any more! Now, put that arm back on your shoulder.. or it's over! Stanley: [ stands up, walks over to his desk and fidgets with top drawer ] That's it, I'm gonna settle this right now, once and for all! [ pulls electric razor out of desk, and begins to shave the left side of his beard while holding a fist with the other hand ] Editor: Alright!! If you guys will sit down and shut up, I'll let the Polish comment slide! Walter: That's not good enough for me, Stacy! Editor: Walter, in your next column, you can say something negative about Stanley. That'll be between the two of you. But, for now, sit down and shut up! [ waits for Walter to sit ] Okay, moving on now.. Elizabeth.. Elizabeth: [ snotty ] Yes? Editor: You wrote a column regarding a recent study about the decreasing sex drive of older women. You said, "The survey found that 31% of middle-aged and older women lacked interest in sex, 22% were unable to achieve orgasm, 21% did not find sex pleasurable, 20% had trouble lubricating, and 14% experienced pain with sex." You then stated, "Pain with sex, an interesting observation. In my experience, the greatest pain associated with sex lies in the settling of a repeat partner." Elizabeth: Okay, so what's the problem? Editor: Well, it's fine with me if you want to say that so bluntly, but I can't imagine why you'd want to project an image of yourself as a slut. Elizabeth: [ stands slowly ] You.. bitch! You and me - right now! [ she reaches into her blouse, yanks out two silicon implants and throws them on the table; the room stares open-mouthed at her. ] Let's rumble! Stanley: I.. knew.. it! Elizabeth: How could you not know?! You stare at me chest all day! Stanley: I do not! Elizabeth: Oh, please! The ashtray on your desk that you've never used for smoking is filled with enough slobber to wash a small car. Editor: [ waving arms through the air ] I give up! Apparently, this meting was a very bad idea.The editor before me suggested that I not hold regular meetings, but I figured he didn't know what he was talking about. I see now that he did. Write whatever you want; if there are any complaints, we'll let them come from what's left of our readership. Meeting adjourned. [ everyone collects their things and exits the office; Pete makes his way in as everyone makes their exit ] Pete: Sorry, I'm late, Boss. I was researching a news article on the next floor. Editor: I'm sorry, I don't think I've met you yet. Pete: I'm Peter Warwick. I write the editorial humor column. Nice to meet you. [ holds his hand out for a shake ] Editor: Nice to meet you, Pete. I'm the new editor, Stacie Travis. [ goes to shake Pete's hand, pulling fake a hand off and screaming ] Pete: Ha ha! I'm just funnin' with ya'! [ pokes real hand out of jacket sleeve ] Oh. Well, if it wasn't for those other idiots in the office, that would have been a hell of a funny icebreaker, don't you think? Editor: Peter? Pete: Yes, Boss? Editor: Get back to work. [ Pete grabs his fake hand and takes a seat behind one of the desks in the office ] [ fade to black ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
