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Dr. Xavier... Seth Myers Igor... Rachel Dratch Reporter 1... Sarah Michelle Gellar Reporter 2... Jeff Richards Mr. Fluffwuff... Fred Armisen Tom Brokaw... Chris Parnell (Fade In: A scientist with a devil beard and a visible scar across his right eye stands in front of a podium, addressing many reporters from several news stations.) Dr. Xavier: Yes, peoples... peoples! Calm down. All your questions will be answered in a moment. And... oh yes, I left refreshments in the back just in case you all get hungry. Hello, my name is Dr. Xavier. Now I invited you reporters to my lair to discuss the field of mad science. Namely the bad rap it has gotten thanks to a select few “bad boys”, scientists who use their genius to do such evil deeds as take over the world, murder busloads of children, invent death rays, and create super-strong armies of monkeys armed with dynamite. I think we’re all familiar with the Great Monkey Wars that spanned the last decade. (There are audible murmurs in the crowd) Now before you start blaming all mad scientists like myself, I’ll let you know I lost a cousin to a retarded chimpanzee. It still hurts... (motions to his eye as if he is to shed a tear). This kind of negative image has really hurt the legitimate fields of zombification and genetic mutantology. You see, not all mad scientists are evil. For example, I love my friend Igor here. ( A hunchback slowly walks over to the podium, however he is shackled to the wall.) Dr. Xavier: I found it in the circus sideshow, it was the bearded lady. But I took it in, shaved its beard and made it grow a hump. Would an evil man take in an ignorant vagabond and groom it to be the man it is today? Igor: (in a husky voice) My name is Igor. I wear a diaper because sometimes I poop myself. Dr. Xavier: Yes of course. As you can see it is not my slave and here completely on its own accord. (Reporter raises his hand) Question, sir? Reporter 1: If Igor isn’t your slave then how come he’s shackled to the wall? Dr. Xavier: Yes... that’s not a shackle... that’s something else entirely that I can’t make up on the spot. Any other questions before we move on? Reporter 2: John D. Wiliger, FOX NEWS! Where did you get that evil-looking scar across your eye? Dr. Xavier: Why people think this scar is so “evil“ I will never know, I only got it while skinning a puppy alive. Who would of thought the little bastard would cut me before it died in horrible agony? (At this point he gets into an uncontrollable fit of evil cackling. It lasts for several seconds) Anyway, back to my point. Mad science is just science with a lot more fun. I mean, I think we would have all liked high school chemistry more if it involved making genetically-engineered killer rabbits, am I right? By the way, I have done that, and they kill with efficiency. (More awkward evil laughter). Which brings me to zombification, the most misunderstood of all the mad sciences. Whenever this is brought up those pencil-pushing nerds in “regular” science scoff at me, they say I’m a quack, or I’m playing God, or I’m a flaming homosexual. Well I’ll show them, I’ll show them all! I’ll win a Nobel Prize in zombification, because when there is no more room in Hell, the DEAD SHALL WALK THE EARTH! MY ZOMBIE ARMY WILL CRUSH YOU!...err I mean let me show you all zombification in action. Are there any volunteers? (Dr. Xavier pulls out a revolver. All the reporters are dead silent.) Dr. Xavier: No? Alright, I have a fresh one for all you to see. Igor bring out the zombie! Igor: But master, it bit me last time and... Dr. Xavier: Obey me, or I will lock you back in the dungeon! Igor: Yes, master. (Igor goes offstage. There is an audible scuffle offstage. Igor returns onstage with the zombie yet it is wearing a suit with a bowtie. It is reminiscent of the zombies from the George A. Romero "Night Of the Living Dead" movies.) Dr. Xavier: As you can see the zombie is completely harmless. In fact, he is quite gentle. (To zombie) Here, have a hot pocket. (The zombie eats the snack, while the scientist gingerly pets him. There are loud murmurs in the crowd.) Reporter 1: Dr. Mad Scientist, what are the benefits of zombification? Dr. Xavier: Well for one thing it’ll revolutionize necrophilia. Trust me Igor here knows first hand. Igor: (Embarrassed) It gets lonely down here. Dr. Xavier: Yes, and since I breed them to be harmless, they can be domesticated as house pets. I named this one Mr. Fluffwuff. Reporter 1: Yes, but aren’t most zombies flesh-eating monsters, consumed with eating human brains? Dr. Xavier: No...no of course not. That’s a myth I tell you. Mr. Fluffwuff: (as if excited) Brains!... Brains...Brains...Brains! (spits out hot pocket) Brains! (There are gasps in the crowd) Dr. Xavier: No! He doesn’t mean human brains! Mr. Fluffwuff: Human Brains! Human brains! I will eat human brains! (All the reporters flee in terror. Mr. Fluffwuff slowly follows them. Only Igor and the Scientist are left) Dr. Xavier: Mr. Fluffwuff! No! Come back! I have more hot pockets! Igor: Tough luck master. Maybe next time you’ll trick them. Dr. Xavier: You fool don’t you understand now I’ll never get the government grants I need to finish my research on zombification. Those fools, don’t they understand zombification is the new wave in science? God help me I will win that Nobel Prize! (Cut to: Tom Brokaw in the newsroom) Tom Brokaw: Well that scientist did eventually win the Nobel Prize in zombification, after taking over the world with his zombie army and inventing the prize himself. Today he ranks along such great men as Mahatmi Gandhi and Jesus Christ. All hail the great zombie overlord, Xavier. I’m Tom Brokaw, for NBC Nightly News saying... for the love of God if you’re watching this -revolt!- if we band together we take on these zombie bastards! Come on... (As he is saying this, various zombies come onscreen and devour Tom Brokaw alive. The screen turns to snow.) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
