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Jennifer Patterson...Rachel Dratch Clarissa Dickson Wright...Darrell Hammond (Theme comes on. Shows footage of them driving around the English countryside in their to seated motorcycle. Setting takes place in a kitchen, they have english dialects. "Food Network" emblem is at bottom right hand corner.) (Shows the two ladies behind the counter. Jennifer looks like she's dead and decomposing) Clarissa: Hello and welcome to "Two Fat Ladies"!! I am your host, Clarrisa Dickson Wright, and with me today even though she died several months ago is my co-host and best chum, Jennifer Patterson!! Jennifer: Hello and welcome to the show! Well I tell you, by jove, it's great to be back and grazing this beautiful world again! Clarissa: And it's great to see you again, even though you're decomposing! Ah... Well, Jennifer, tell everyone how you died! Jennifer: Do you really think I should? Clarissa: Oh yes, Pray do! Jennifer: Well, I was taking a rest at my beautiful London flat, having a luxurious cuisine, when the next think I know, I'm choking on a pig nostril!! (They both giggle) Clarissa: Oh! That's such a delightful story!! Now, tell them how you came back from the dead! Jennifer: Well, Clarissa, Once I found out that that damn Naked Chef stole our television spot, I became furious! I then turned over in my grave when I realized the Naked Chef wasn't really naked! But then when I heard what segment you were planning for the next show, I knew I wouldn't miss it for the world!! Clarissa: Yes, yes, yes, well. (she looks the audience) Take a look at this clip Jennifer and I put together, and get out a pen and piece of paper and be prepared to take notes, because we have such a treat for you! Watch! (shows clip. Setting takes place in a grocery store) Jennifer: Here we are in the absolute greatest place in the world...the Supermarket! Clarissa: So many yummies! Jennifer: Yes! It is such a shame that I can't eat anymore! My whole digestive track is rotting even as we speak! Clarissa: Don't bend over! (they giggle) Jennifer: Ha ha ha! You really shouldn't make me giggle! I might accidently spew up gastric juices all over you!! Clarissa: You cheeky monkey! I'm gonna kill you! (giggles) Jennifer: ...Too late! (turns to the camera) Well, we're here to show you all the ingrediants in preparing my favorite dish...Beef Suprise! Clarissa: Yes! So here we go! (as she names the items, she puts them in the grocery cart) You'll need some Haggis, six or seven sticks of Beef Jerky,...and a few weiners, or as you Yanks call them..."hot dogs"! Jennifer: Precisely! And you may want to finish it all up with a few swiggs of Sparkling Apple Juice, so make sure you pick up a bottle! Clarissa: Yes, indeed!! (They start walking up the isle with their grocery carts. A little boy walks up behind Jennifer to get something off a shelf. Jennifer farts) Jennifer: Oopsie! Sorry about that, little tyke! (the boy's eyes roll into the back of his head and he falls down on the floor unconscious) Clarissa: I told you not to do that! You're dead! Now you're really gonna stink up the place! (they both laugh. Setting goes back to the kitchen) Clarissa: Ah! That was so fun! Now, when making your Beef Suprise, put it all in a crock pot like this one, and cook it for about an hour. Then, after you've had your delicious feast and Sparkling Apple Juice, then we strongly recomend you to sit back, relax, and smoke a fag, or as everyone else but us Brits call them, "cigarettes"!! (she puts a cigarette in her mouth) Jennifer: I can't smoke anymore...my lungs are- Clarissa: Yes! We get the picture, Jennifer! Well...oh dear! Jennifer: What is it, Clarissa? Clarissa: We left out an ingrediant!! Jennifer: And what was that? Clarissa: Pig fat! Jennifer: Oh, don't worry your little head, dear! I'll take care of that! (she sticks her hand in her pants and pulls out one of her butt cheeks) Jennifer: Voila! Pig fat! (she puts in the the crock pot) Clarissa: Oh Jennifer!! You're a life saver! Jennifer: I just hope it doesn't make the whole thing taste ruined!! (Clarissa tastes it) Clarissa: Delicious!! Jennifer: And do you know what I love about it?? Clarissa: What? Jennifer: The smell! Clarissa: Oh yes, the smell!! (they smell the air) Well, it appears that we're out of time, yet again! I'm Clarissa Dickson Wright- Jennifer: And I'm Jennifer Patterson! Join us next time when we cook...ME!!!! Good bye!! Clarissa: Toodles!! By Jove, I LOVE THAT SMELL!!! Jennifer: Me too!! (fades to black) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
