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Ronald McDonald ... Jeff Richards Mary ... Maya Rudolph Bartender ... Sen. John McCain [The scene is set in a bar. A lone woman sits at the bar, facing us. She is drinking a glass of wine and talking to the bartender. She looks bored.] Bartender: Hey, Mary, can I get you a refill on that? Mary: Oh, no thanks, Carl. I'm meeting a date here tonight. Just waiting for him to show up. Bartender: Okay, just give me a holler if you need anything. [The woman hears a strange voice next to her. It says "Hi there." She turns around and sees Ronald McDonald sitting next to her. He holds a bottle of Corona. His trademark yellow jumper has the top two buttons open and he has a golden "M" medallion hanging out.] Ronald McDonald: [suave] Hi there, good looking. What's a lady like you doing here? Mary: [smiling] Oh, wow. A clown. I love clowns. Ronald McDonald: Aw, c'mon, baby. I'm not a clown. I'm just a guy sitting here, looking for someone to talk to. Mary: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I just don't see men in full makeup and a red wig much around here. Not to mention the striped socks and yellow jumpsuit. Ronald McDonald: That's not a jumpsuit, baby. That's my LOVE suit. Women love it. Mary: [humoring him] Ah, I see. Ronald McDonald: It looks even better crumpled up on your floor in the morning, if you know what I mean. Mary: [starting to turning away] Uh, oooookay. Ronald McDonald: I'm Ron, by the way. [He holds out his hand] Nice to meet you. Mary: [still wary of him] Hi, Ron. [She shakes his hand with hesitation] Mary. Ronald McDonald: You looking to meet someone tonight? Mary: Well, I'm actually waiting for a date to show up. I already have plans. Ronald McDonald: Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you just blow off that chump and come party with a real man? I got my car outside, we can go hit the town. I can go all... night... long. [He grins] Yeah, you know what the Ronald is talking about. Mary: Uh, no thank you. Ronald McDonald: Hey, I thought you said you love clowns. What's with the cold shoulder, kitten? [He starts to sidle up to her] Mary: I like clowns in the circus. Not clowns trying to get with me. That's just creepy. [She shudders] Ewwwww. Ronald McDonald: C'mon, aren't you curious to see if we wear white body paint... all... over? [He cocks an eyebrow at her, suggestively.] Yeah, I think you know the answer. And this red hair aint an illusion baby. The carpet matches the curtains, if you dig what I'm saying. Mary: [wincing] Okay, that's just gross. Please go away. Just go. Go hop in your clown car and drive away. Ronald McDonald: I'm a little hurt that you're being so shallow. I'm more than just a clown. I'm actually a restaurateur, baby. Can't you see past the red wig, and see the real man here? I think you'll like what you see. Mary: [perking up] You own a restaurant? Ronald McDonald: I own thousands, baby. [He reaches to casually drape an arm across her shoulders]. Thousands of 'em, with my name on the front. You've probably eaten in my place without even realizing it. Mary: What is it called? "Ron's Cafe?" Ronald McDonald: Well that's not important, muffin. Let's just say, I've been feeding you for years. Just like now. [He smoothly reaches for a maraschino cherry from behind the bar and places it in her mouth. A very slick move. She smiles and eats it.] Mary: You're good. Ronald McDonald: You know it, baby. I could be so good to you. They don't call me McMacDaddy for nothing. Mary: [not charmed anymore] McMacDaddy? What are you, twelve? Ronald McDonald: Aw, why you gotta be a hater? No one likes a hater, baby. Mary: Sorry, Ron. I'm just not interested in being picked up tonight. You're a nice guy, but, c'mon, you're a clown. It's not gonna happen. Ronald McDonald: But I got connections, baby. You want to know me, I'm like a sugar daddy. Like a McFlurry with crushed oreo topping, you want to keep me around ... at... all... times. Mary: Sorry, no. Ronald McDonald: [getting desperate] Hey, c'mon, give me a chance. If you ever have a party, I bet you I could hook you up with a giant ten-gallon jug full of orange flavored soda. Does that turn you on? Orange soda? Mary: Not especially. Ronald McDonald: What about having barbecue sauce licked off your body? I love to do that. Mary: Sounds fun, but not with you. Ronald McDonald: What about ranch dressing? Mary: No. Ronald McDonald: Honey mustard? Mary: Absolutely not. Ronald McDonald: Sweet and sour? Mary: [angry] No! Bartender: [butting in] Listen, McDonald. The lady wants you to leave her alone. And STOP trying to pimp out your dipping sauces. That never works and you know it. Mary: Thanks, Carl. [To Ronald] Look, Ron. You seem like a really great guy. I wish you well with your restaurant, but I'm just not interested. I don't go for clowns. Ronald McDonald: Hey, no big deal. You're not my type, anyway. Mary: Okay, have a nice night, Ron. Ronald McDonald: You sure you don't want to come over anyway? I've got something I'd like you to supersize for me. [He grins.] Mary: [looking at the bartender] Carl? Help please? Bartender: Okay, that's IT. [He walks out from around the bar and grabs Ronald by the arm.] Get out of my bar. Go back to McDonaldland, you pervert. Ronald McDonald: [yelling as he is being dragged out] If you want to hook up, just look for the McChooChoo! I live there, it's across the street! [The bartender struggles to pull him across the room.] Look for the big yellow "M", that means "Manly." [Mary just ignores him as he shouts.] I got a lava lamp and everything inside. Come on over, my shoes are size twenty-eight for a reason! [He gets thrown out the door] Bartender: Don't come back. I'm SICK of throwing you out of here. Beat it! [He slams the door to the bar.] [Ronald picks himself up, dusts off his clothes, and re-adjusts his "M" medallion. He shakes his fist, dramatically, at the closed door. He is very angry.] [end] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
