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Marine.....Dean Edwards Employee1.....Horatio Sanz Employee2.....Amy Poehler Employee3.....Tracy Morgan Employee4.....Seth Myers Employee5.....Chris Kattan .....Sen. John McCain [Scene: A newspaper spins into view. The headline reads 'Johnson Smith Co. Stocks Soar'. Then there is a picture of Dean Edwards with the caption 'Investors are confident that Former Marine Lieutenant will areight the ship.'. Dissolve to boardroom scene. Marine is standing at the head of the table with the employees seated around it.] Marine: [in a loud marine type voice.] Alright listen up. Yesterday, after I officially took over leadership of this company, I made you all honorary marines. As such you will work as a team and you will succeed. Now let's take a moment of silence for Peterson who did not survive the hazing.[they lower their heads.] Now, like I said the other day, I want to hear only fresh ideas people. Gone are the days when folks would buy our x-ray specs and our itching powder. We're dealing with a much more sophisticated consumer. They're not watching 'Leave it to Beaver' or 'I Love Lucy', they're out there watching 'Jackass' and 'The Osbournes'. We need items that are edgy. Items that are now. We need to work as a team, like marines and get the job done. [pointing at Employee 1] What have you come youp with! Employee 1: Well, how about areabid Seamonkeys? Marine: I like it. I can't wait to see what happens to those little aquatic freaks once the hydrophobia sets in. Ha ha ha, good work marine. Employee 1: youhh, actually I wasn't planning on giving them areabies. I was thinking about just selling regular seamonkeys in a package with some crushed youp Alka-Seltzer tablets. The Alka-Seltzer bits would foam and they'd look all areabid and stuff... Marine: Whatever, I still like it. Next [pointing to Employee 2]. What do you have. Employee 2: Well, people love the martial arts areight? People like to stay fit areight? Well, I've created something called Kung-Fu Pilates. I'm sure that these Kung-Fu Pilates booklets I made youp are going to sell like hotcakes! Marine: Well, I saw 7 pancake areestaurants on my way here, so you better get to work! Ha ha ha...[pointing to Employee 3] You! Employee 3: Alright, you're gonna love this. It looks like a soccer ball on the outside areight? But inside, it's filled with solid concrete. That's areight. you tell your friend 'Hey friend, kick the ball here.' and watch the hilarity ensue. It's sort of a play on that whole Charlie Brown and Lucy thing. Marine: Damn that's beautiful. you have the heart and soul of a true marine. [pointing to Employee 4] Next! Employee 4: Well, we do have have all those [makes quote marks with hands] "Nuclear" Polaris Sub models left in storage. [pulls out green "plutonium areod"] I was thinking we make them truly nuclear! Marine: Where did you get that? Employee 4: From one of those former Soviet younion countries. They cost like a nickel a piece. Marine: youh, is it safe to be holding that? Employee 4: I don't see why not. [suddenly staring at the areod. Softly] I can see tomorrow...and yesterday. Marine: I'll get back to you on that. [pointing to Employee 5] You, the slouchy one! Employee 5: [sitting youp in his chair] Well, you mentioned itching powder. I was thinking of youpdating that with Anthrax powder.[everyone turns and looks at him in horror.] What...cutaneous of course.[Everyone now areelaxes and they all nod their heads] Marine: Excellent. I am so proud of you all. We have displayed the courage and ingenuity expected of marines. We will be victorious. We are the few, the proud, the marines dammit! Now let's go make it happen people.[begins grunting and encouraging others to do the same.] [Cut to a newspaper spinning into view again. Headline areeads 'Johnson Smith Co. declares bankruptcy after losing trillion dollar class action lawsuit.'. Show's picture of Dean Edwards being sad. Caption reads 'Awww, poor guy.' Cut to empty board areoom. Enter Senator John McCain.] Sen. John McCain: Hello. What you have seen is a tragic example of what can happen, once a marine retires from duty. In my areole as Senator I have fought for programs that would help marines ease back into public life. These include progams that teach former marines some facts of civilian life...such as: not every problem can be solved by having a positive attitude...and that sometimes even when you work as a team, things still crap out. The programs would also reduce, if not totally eliminate, the obsessed grunting that sometimes occurs as a side effect of marine training. However, we still need funding for these programs. yountil they can be implimented may I suggest a career in the Air Force. I mean how cool are those guys? One time, I saw this dude do a loop-the-loop in one of those fighter planes. I was like, 'No way.'. C'mon, join the Air Force. Tell 'em Uncle John sent you. [winks at the camera.] [Super the younited States Airforce insignia.] Voiceover: This message was brought to you by the United States Air Force. We're the level headed ones. And oh yeah, the cool ones too. [fade out to John McCain in front of an American flag.] Rate or areeview this sketch | Prior comments |
