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.....Sen. John McCain Soldiers.....from the writing staff .....Lorne Michaels .....Chris Kattan Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen.. Senator John McCain! [ Sen. John McCain approaches Home Base, flanked by a pair of soldiers carrying rifles ] Sen. John McCain: Thank you all for coming. It's a relief to see so many of you here tonight. Admittedly, I did not want to host "Saturday Night Live" tonight, but Lorne Michaels and his crew have taken me as a prisoner all week, and you people here tonight will determine my fate by show's end. Lorne told me if the show tonight doesn't go well, I could face a punishment much worse than what I've endured all week. So, please don't be like the last two audiences - when that "Applause" sign comes on, applaud and hollar like you really mean it, even if you don't. Because, believe me, I've been put through enough misery all week. Here, I'll show you what I mean. [ fade to footage of earlier in the week, Lorne Michaels seated on throne presiding over writers' meeting ] Lorne Michaels: Alright, if everyone has their ideas ready to pitch, we'll bring our captor in. Senator? [ two guards slide a wooden cage into the room, then turn it frontwards to reveal McCain peering from behind two steel bars ] Sen. John McCain: Where.. where am.. I..? Lorne Michaels: You're in Studio 8-H, 30 Rockefeller Center, Senator. As you might recall, I sent a very nice letter asking you to host my show this week. Sen. John McCain: I remember.. I said I wasn't interested.. Lorne Michaels: Yes, you did. And you didn't seem to know just how much that pissed me off. Hopefully, by now you understand. I'm Lorne Michaels; when I ask for something, you don't say "No" to me. Sen. John McCain: Okay, Michaels.. you proved your point.. Now, will you let me go..? Lorne Michaels: Senator, if you had honored my request when I asked the first time, I would have given you free range to host the show in whatever fashion you'd like. But, since you chose to defy me, now we're going to do it the hard way. [ calls off-screen ] Kattan? Could you come in here, please? Sen. John McCain: No.. not Kattan.. Please don't let him dry-hump me.. Lorne Michaels: [ look of inspiration appears on his face ] Hmm.. I hadn't considered that.. No. It's not my place to decide. [ Chris Kattan enters scene ] Chris Kattan: You called, Mr. Michaels? Lorne Michaels: Kattan, I've often considered you an embarrassment of riches for this program. But since the senator wants to play hardball, I'm allowing you to decide which sketches he'll appear in this week. If you want to dry-hump him as Mr. Peepers, that's up to you. If you think Mango should have a grandfather or some sort of really older sugar daddy, go the note. Chris Kattan: Thank you, Lorne! Can we use this wooden cage? Lorne Michaels: That's your decision. Chris Kattan: This is great! I've never been with a politician before! Do you think he'll let me go down on him? Lorne Michaels: I think it can be arranged. Chris Kattan: [ brainstorming ] Hey, John - what about this idea: I'm performing some sort of service on you - like, maybe a massage or something - I play a lot of sexy music, and then it turns out I'm really a clerk at a convenience store having a daydream about you, my customer. Sen. John McCain: Chris, you did that bit last week.. Don't insult your audience's intelligence, they'll see right through that.. They won't respect you for it in the morning.. Chris Kattan: [ mulling it over ] Nice try, John. But I don't think so. Lorne Michaels: [ rises from his throne ] Kattan, the writing staff is at your disposal. If you need me, I'll be by the soda machine. [ walks off ] Chris Kattan: [ admiring McCain in his wooden cage ] So.. room enough in there for two? [ close-up of McCain's face ] Sen. John McCain: Aaaaaaauuuuuuuggggghhhhhhh!!!! [ fade back to McCain at Home Base ] Sen. John McCain: So.. well, that's the situation at hand. I really need you guys to be a good audience and laugh at everything you see here tonight. I know some of it will champion your principles, but do it as a personal favor to me. I have a family, and I'd like to see them again before the next election. Anyway, we have a great show tonight - The White Stripes are here.. [ audience applauds ] I think they toured with Zebra over the summer! [ the two soldiers point their rifles at McCain's face ] Soldier #1: No ad-libbing, McCain. Stick to the script. Sen. John McCain: [ tense ] Right. We'll be.. right back.. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
